Tuesday, December 25, 2012

A Lonely Christmas

This being the first Christmas since my separation almost a year ago I decided to write about the effect being apart from my son had on me these past two days. While being apart from my son anytime is a challenge, I share custody with his mother, I never expected Christmas would be much different. I have my son essentially half of every week, as I made a point of moving as close to him as possible so that I wouldn't have to be an every other weekend father. I honestly don't think I could have handled that because being a father is something I always dreamed of.

Growing up Jewish, even though I always loved Christmas, it's not a new experience for me to be alone during this time of year. Although for the past 15 years I always had friends that I would typically celebrate with. Of course 5 of those 15 years I spent Christmas with my son and in-laws, so that had pretty much become routine. This Christmas I was alone as most of my friends live at least an hour away and I guess being newly single I'm not on the top of most peoples invite list. To make matters even more difficult, I was very quickly replaced by another man mere days after I moved out of my former family house. For those who know me or those who have read about me, dealing with adversity is nothing new, but I must say this has been one of the toughest years of my life and this Christmas pretty much capped it off. To say I'm anxious for 2013 would be a huge understatement.

Christmas eve wasn't too bad, with the exception of the morning when I had to watch my son leave for what I knew would be his first Christmas without his father, because I hung out with a friend. Regardless of trying to enjoy myself last night, I couldn't stop thinking about my son and his anticipation of Christmas morning. I was also quite uncomfortable with the thought of my son celebrating Christmas with my old family and this new guy, but I guess that's part of life. Today though was a different story. When the morning phone calls and messages I placed to all my Christmas celebrating friends were over, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what my past 5 years had been like on Christmas morning. It took all the resilience I have to not go crazy thinking about my son waking up to another man and his mom, running downstairs for Christmas breakfast and then heading off to his mom's family for the day of presents, food and celebration. I felt like I was in a time warp and everyone had moved forward and here I was stuck thinking about the past. I still can't fathom how none of my former in-laws have even bothered to reach out to me and especially during the holiday season to not get a card, a text, an email or even a Facebook message, but again, I guess that's the way it goes.

What I really don't understand is how all of them, who spent Christmas with me last year, would not even bat an eye at the fact that this year there is a new man there in my place. Yet we wonder why today's youth are struggling so much. I can only imagine what my son is thinking. I know that he's aware because when we are together he tells me how he wishes I could be there with him and his mom on Christmas and he often talks about how much he wishes we could go back to our old house where he, his mother and I, were all together. It kills me to think about how difficult it must be for him, but then I wonder if it's just me who is having such a hard time with it. I miss my family, I miss my son and even though relationships are tough, I was definitely in it for the long haul and being separated was never part of my plan. When I see my ex, it almost feels as if time stands still for me and it doesn't feel much different from when we were together. On her end, I kind of feel like that song "Somebody that I used to know" is how she looks at me. It's like I have been erased and it totally stings.

I'm sure many of you reading this may think I'm stuck and I have to move on, but I assure you I have moved on. Not that it makes any of this easier, but what other choice do I have. I love my ex for better and for worse, and I say love, not loved, because I am a firm believer that you can't turn love off. To me, if you ever loved someone, and I mean truly loved them, you will never stop loving them.

All I know is that Christmas day 2012 was a lonely one and it brought a lot of feelings and emotions to the surface. I figured the best way to deal with them, seeing that nothing else was working today, was to share some of those feelings and at the very least get them out! For anyone else out there who knows what I'm talking about, please hang in there. It will get easier and feeling this way is completely normal and understandable no matter what anyone tells you. Do not let others opinions get in the way of how you process things and how you deal. Trust your instincts and my thought is even though times can be tough, you will be fine. I for instance know for a fact that next Christmas will be much easier than this one and that is something to look forward to.

I hope all of you had a great holiday season and I'm wishing you a very Happy New Year.

Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Connecticut Shootings

It's been a while since my last written blog, as I've moved more to video blogs on our YouTube channel at the Joshua Stern Project, but I've decided with the recent shooting in Connecticut to go back to the good old-fashioned written blog. 

As is everyone I would hope, I am extremely saddened and emotionally disturbed that yet again we've had a terrible and tragic shooting. This time involving elementary school students, 20 of which are dead and we are all left to wonder what this world is coming to. As usual the first thing everybody starts talking about is gun control. Now while I think this is definitely a good start, we also need to look closer at this whole situation. 

First off, guns are not the only weapon that an individual intent on causing harm can utilize. For example, the same day as the shootings in Connecticut a knife wielding maniac went to an elementary school in China and stabbed 20 children. Thankfully none of the children died, but it is still something we should all be aware of. Let's also not forget how easy that same individual, with the same intent, could make an explosive of some sort with all the recipes easily available on the Internet. 

Secondly, if we are going to talk about gun control, especially in the US, why don't we start with the banning of semi-automatic weapons and maybe start looking at the same sort of gun laws that we have in Canada. While you can still own a "long-gun", typically used for hunting and sport, it is very difficult for a citizen to obtain a handgun. Now I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that right off the bat it will be very difficult to have a mass shooting when you constantly have to reload a hunting rifle. It's definitely NOT the solution, but it is a great start. 

In all honesty though, why do we think or believe, that controlling guns or having registration of more guns is going to end the violence? These guns will still be able to be purchased, only illegally. Majority of the time these tragic shootings are not done by the legal gun owners and even in the Connecticut shooting last week, technically the guns were stolen from the shooters mother. We can also talk about how she possibly didn't have them locked up properly and was she the only one with a key. 

We absolutely have to look at the bigger picture here. What is causing these highly disturbed people to act out with such violence and such a lack of concern for human life. We need to find out more about the person responsible for the shootings, not just that they were loners, highly intelligent, emotionally disturbed and possibly on some form of prescription drug. The United States has more people and children on prescription drugs than anywhere else in the world. Maybe that is something we need to look into further. Some of these prescribed drugs are as strong as heroin and if an individual misses just 1 dose it can have serious implications. With this shooting in particular there is one glaring piece of this puzzle that we need to know more about. We need to look into the fact that this individual shot his mother several times before going out on his rampage at the school. This right away tells me that there was another major issue going on here for him to take such vengeance on his mother. This is a question we should all be asking. There is more to this story than just a random act of violence. I guarantee there was a reason, however crazy it is, that this young man did what he did.

As opposed to blaming the guns, let's blame the system that is clearly failing so many people. Let's talk about what makes one individual commit the act while another individual facing as many problems or more, would never go to this extreme. When we talk about the parents who are burying children, I wonder if all they think about is guns or if they think about the person responsible for what has happened. I also wonder how helpful it is to have this flood of media attention and Presidential speeches, do we really believe this offers up any amount of resolution for these families? Maybe when the movie comes out that will also help them? Maybe instead they should take all the money generated from this media blitz and stories that are sure to follow and shut that school down forever. Memorialize that school and build a new one in its place. 

I could go on and on with this topic, but these are just a few of my main thoughts. If you enjoyed this post please leave a comment and visit us at our website, www.JoshuaStern.ca where I work with at-risk youth on the regular.

I thank you all for your time.