The Glory of Love

I wanted to talk about a close friend of mines current family situation and the roller coaster ride he has been on for the past few months. Unfortunately for the outsiders looking in, it has been going on for years! I truly hope to gain as much feedback and commentary from this post as I truly want to help this friend as best I can.

In order to respect his and his family's privacy I will try to be vague where I can, and I have changed several of the elements but the story is intact.

My friend is a very attractive guy who has definitely had success with women, and when he met his common law partner, she was definitely a knock out. Unfortunately we would all hear about her behaviour and her family stories and we were all very concerned. She is several years younger than he is and she tried to toy with him a lot. She would often flirt with other guys, and be inappropriate with other men. She is very insecure and she fed off of the attention she could garner for her looks.

My friend fell hard, really hard. They had a very volatile relationship and before long she became pregnant and they decided to give it a go. She had nothing and neither did her family (at least that's what she led everyone including my friend to believe for many months) and so my friend took care of everything. I remember when he first moved in with her, to her apartment by school, she would complain to my buddy how she had no money and she couldn't even afford her school books. He paid for her books, her food, half her rent at least, and much more. He even would help her younger brothers and sister who had nothing. He'd buy them clothes, take them out to eat, and he'd help them however he could. After they had been together for at least 6 months my friend found out that she was not so honest about her family. It turned out her father, who had left when she was 13, was apparently worth upwards of 20 Million dollars. My friend as opposed to being mad that she had lied about so much actually just wanted to help her. He told her that he could help them all get their money. Within a few months my friend and his father had arranged a few lawyers to meet with, and I believe it was the 3rd lawyer that was the winner. Shortly after they retained the lawyer, my buddies girl and her 3 siblings all started getting monthly support. I'm not going to say she was fully taking advantage of him, but she definitely had it very good and she treated him like he was always expendable and easily replaceable. I don't know about you, but if I was in a relationship where my partner constantly made me feel like I was expendable or easily replaceable, I know I couldn't live like that, that must be a very worthless feeling. She'd show him text messages & Facebook messages from other guys just to drive him nuts and to show him how easy it would be for her to replace him.

Regardless my friend did the best he could, but he was losing himself. His friends were tired of being told he couldn't come out, knowing the reason was his woman's insecurity. How ironic that a gorgeous woman who would flirt with others, is constantly worried of her man cheating on her? Would that be self-projecting I guess? His family were tired of seeing him ready to finally wake the hell up, only to go back to her because he refused to leave his son and family. My buddy is old fashioned in that regard, he believes a family is the most sacred thing on this earth and you never turn your back on family.

It was a tough situation for me because I got all the stories, everything, and let me just say that one day I will write a book about his life with that woman, it was that unbelievable. He would come and tell me things that you would never think any person could take in a relationship. The way she would mess with him was truly crazy. The worst part about it was her craziness was actually starting to make my buddy doubt his own sanity. It was almost like textbook victim syndrome, where you start to feel sorry for and even attached to your abuser or captor. He would tell me how its ok that she had done whatever it was she had done that day because he had done something to deserve it. Another awesome part of it was my buddy started to smoke marijuana daily in order to cope/deal with his life, and I know its not an excuse, but he would literally go to his psychiatrist and they would discuss how smoking weed was the only way he could remain sane in his family and he was not prepared to leave. He tried quitting and going on a pill, but the pill rendered him useless, and when he'd quit his partner seemed to always deteriorate and they'd fight like crazy. Then he'd come tell me, how she would tell him that she hated his smoking, yet she bought him pipes and other paraphernalia, and she'd often ask him to go smoke weed? Obviously she used it against him too by telling him she would tell people he was a drug addict and he'd lose his child, even though she condoned it. In other words it was a crazy relationship.

They did however make the most incredible kid I have ever met, and that is as honest as I can be. I have never been around a child that is as clever and polite, and just straight up amazingly behaved as this kid is. My friend also happens to be one of the best fathers I have ever witnessed, and his love for his child is like nothing I've seen before. For years now his partner had been collecting money, and my buddy saw none of it. Even after he paid for everything for 3 years, went thousands of dollars into debt, bought a house for his family, bought a car for his girl, and did everything he could. I remember last year when he had to sell their house in order to pay off some of the debt they had incurred and to support his business, she had lots of money saved up and she did nothing to help him. While she decided to go back to University instead of working in her field after getting a certificate from College, he stepped up and said he would be the stay at home parent while she did that. She had more than enough money coming in from her family support every month, and this way my buddy could work on his business which had always been his dream. He actually thought he had it all figured out, with the exception of the being happy part.

Within 6 months of them living this new arrangement my buddy would come and tell me how his partner was calling him a loser, and telling him he should get a job because she doesn't want to support him. I honestly asked him if she was bi polar or something, because to me she is nuts. I asked him if this was not exactly what they had agreed to do 5 months ago? I asked him if he was not essentially the stay at home parent, and that still she didn't pay for him. Outside of rent and utilities, my buddy still paid for plenty with zero income! He paid for his car, gas, cell phone, groceries, life insurance for both of them, and so much more. He was going broke while she was getting rich and apparently supporting him.

Than the bomb dropped. Not 2 weeks after her family's financial support became finalized in courts, her mother received a multi million dollar cheque, all the kids got lump sum pay-outs (for the 3rd time), and all the kids got large monthly support, she told him they were done. I kid you not we all even talked about it after she decided to take him back a couple weeks later. We commented how it seemed like someone in her corner told her that if she didn't take him back and they went to court ever, it would look really bad how soon after the settlement she tried to leave him. It was like that story you hear about a husband or wife winning the lottery and then trying to not share it with their partner, that is exactly what this was like.

They didn't last much longer though, I think it was maybe 3 weeks and he found out she had been telling other guys that she was single and that she had been for quite some time. On top of that he found out she met with a banker behind his back and she had got pre-approved for a mortgage. She had saved enough money to put a down payment on a home by herself. My buddy even helped her find the house, he dealt with the Realtors, and he did the inspection for her. Than she came to him and told him he was not allowed to move into the new house she had bought and that the two of them were done. He could still see his son half the week, but other than that she essentially tossed him out on his ass. She even took whatever of his belongings from the house she wanted, and whatever my buddy couldn't store at his fathers house, she tossed in the garbage. If he didn't have his father around I don't know where he would go or what he would do. When he has tried to talk to her and tell her that she can't just leave him with nothing and no where to live, she tells him to get a job! He has refused to seek legal help thus far because he can't really afford it, and he is scared to have the ordeal take a negative toll on his child. I, his entire family, and all his friends have told him that if the rolls were reversed and he tried to treat a woman who was a stay at home parent, the same way she has treated him, that he would be burned at the steak for Caveman of the year or something!

He is very afraid for his son's welfare as her family and her are clearly not stable. It has been almost 3 months since they split and he has heard nothing from anyone on her side of the family. She apparently already has a new man that she loves, and she is already introducing this new guy on the regular to their child. It is honestly like my friend was removed and another guy just filled the slot. It's truly despicable the things she has said and done to him and all in an attempt to hurt him more. He cries to me all the time, he doesn't know what to do and he doesn't want to lose his son. But as he explains it to me, this was not even close to his plan. He now lives far from all he has ever known, his friends, his family, his neighbourhood, as he moved close to his partners family. He desperately wants to and has to start over again but how does he do that without moving away from his child? He has to get a job, find a place, and as I said before, start over. How does he do that while living in farm country watching someone else live his family dream, with his family?

This is why I have shared this story with all of you. I am truly hoping that many people can comment and provide feedback so that I can show it to my friend in hopes that it will have a positive affect on his mindset. I can't believe how broken he truly is right now. The best way I can explain it is he's lost all his mojo. Imagine your best looking, most charming and witty friend, and they think they are nothing and have nothing. Please help!!!

Learn to "Let it slide"

When I was living in Los Angeles during my late teens and early twenties I had a real close friend named Eric. Eric was one of those people that just made everything easier. With the exception of our love of sports and rap music we were literally from 2 completely different worlds. Whenever any of my friends came to visit from back home they often marvelled at how two oddballs like us ever became friends.

Eric was an extremely at-risk youth and he was a year or two younger than me. His father was out of the picture, his mother lived in Sacramento, and Eric lived between my house, his girlfriends house, his uncles' place, and really anywhere he could. He was extremely talented as an athlete and he and I regularly got beat up or threatened while running court together on the local street basketball scene. Unfortunately Eric had a problem with drugs and a major problem with drinking. Eric was a binge drinker, he didn't do it everyday, but when he did he would have a drink in his hand until he passed out. 

I always looked at Eric as someone I needed to protect, somebody that needed my help. I got him off of crystal meth, he got a job, he was healthy again, but I was always very worried with Eric because he was always one step away from falling. When I introduced him to his girlfriend they became a very cute couple but he depended on her probably a bit too much. Obviously Eric and I being so close he knew the majority of my life story, and we had shared many intimate details with each other. Despite all of Eric's issues and struggles I almost never saw him without a smile. I assumed it was because he was comfortably numb or it was just a facade, but how could he keep up an act with me? On more than one occasion he had come to me when shit had hit the fan and he'd say, "Just let it slide man". I ignored him the first few times and finally I got tired of it and I asked him what his deal was with that crap.

I remember what he told me like it was yesterday.

            "My dad left when I was 8, my mom was an alcoholic and she left me in Los Angeles around the age of 13. From there I bounced around from shelter, to foster care, the streets and everywhere in-between. I've seen everything there is to see with the exception of death, and with some of the drugs I've been on that may not even be true. I have known as much pain as I could have ever imagined and I'm only 21. Let it slide is my way of reminding myself that as long as I'm still breathing and I'm not in trouble with the law, what on earth have I got to worry about."

He then went on to explain how I hold on to way too much hurt and anger and its eventually going to kill me or ruin everything I love. I can honestly say that Eric was not the brightest individual, but he sure made a while lot of sense right there, and he pegged me pretty accurately. He was dead right and in the ten plus years since I've last seen or spoken with Eric, I have ruined many relationships and cost myself plenty in the process. It took me a long time to work it back into my mantra, but it's helped me immensely, especially as of late. 

I think the more we can all learn to "Let it slide", the more we may find that things a little bit easier to deal with. If it's one thing I've learned from people who have it as bad as anyone you could imagine or who have overcome some of the craziest events I have ever heard, it's that they have brighter outlooks on life than people who have  rarely experienced tragedy or struggles in life. The people who have hurt the most and who have been rejected by society, and sometimes their own families, still have a smile, and they still want to enjoy life the best they can. 

So I implore all of you out there who may have it pretty darn good, and I'd like you to try taking a few more deep breaths a day, and try to let things slide a little. What have we got to lose?

Perception

I decided to focus today's blog on the topic of perception because I believe it's of major importance, yet we don't really hear many people talking about it.

Over the last year I have worked with and met so many amazing young people who would all fall under the category of At-Risk Youth. Outside of my experience with those youth, I have my own lifetime of experiences growing up At-Risk and the experiences I gained being surrounded by many other At-Risk individuals in my young and adult life.

One specific area where we have had success with reaching some of these individuals is by trying to alter their own perception, while simultaneously attempting to get them to understand the perception of others. I know that we may all understand what perception is, but I also believe that the vast majority of us take it for granted and don't give it the necessary attention it deserves. If our perception is our own personal view of things, than essentially your perception equates to your world. That also means everyone else also has their own perception, therefore they have their own personal views of the world as well. Not to sound redundant, but I know some of this might seem like common knowledge to you. My point is that while we might be aware of all these facts we don't seem to take them into account when it comes to dealing with others.

If I'm trying to get someone to relate to me, or have compassion for me, my perception might lead me to believe that all I have to do is accurately describe the events and that should be enough to get me what I desire. The reality of this is that if the person can't relate to my story, how can they relate to me? The better way for me to approach this situation, and this is also one of the points we focus on with the individuals we work with, would be for me to describe the emotions I felt at the time of those events. If I could accurately describe my feelings that would be a lot easier for someone else to attach themselves to, as opposed to just giving them a story to relate to.

Understanding that any individual we are communicating with is operating under their own perception and not ours, is a very big step towards having better relationships. It can also lead to less tension and easier resolution of disagreements or arguments. Having the ability to take a moment and try to understand more about why someone said what they did, or why they acted how they acted, will obviously go a long way towards defusing a potentially negative situation. Think about it like this; If I say to someone "Hey, what are you doing?" There are many ways that question can actually be interpreted based on the individual and their perception. Instead of someone reacting to the way they perceived that question, wouldn't you agree it would be best to get some clarification first? If we could learn to take the time to think, "I wonder what they meant by that", maybe that would give us more opportunity to avoid jumping the gun, which tends to lead to the majority of arguments or altercations.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you are trying to interpret emotions from words, try asking questions instead. Try something like, "What did you mean when you asked me what I was doing, did you notice the tone you used?" "Was there any meaning behind the look I thought I saw in your eyes or am I just reading into things too much?" Simple things like this take the pressure out of the situation and it allows us to accurately understand the meaning behind the words and we don't have to deal with interpretations or assumptions. Never forget that age old saying, "To assume is to make an ass out of u and me"! Anytime we try to guess at what another is trying to say, we are doing just that.

Try a little clarity next time, try to take a few moments to understand what the other person is trying to say before you react to something that was never the case. Understanding how powerful perception can be is an amazing tool in becoming a successful adult, I think it's something we could all benefit from being a bit more aware of.

As always your comments are welcomed and encouraged. 

Set Schedules

So I'm not entirely sure if the rest of you are at all like me, but I am really good at telling myself what I need to do, and when I should do it, but actually getting it done, well that's another story. As I continue to grow as an individual many things take on new meaning and new purpose. In an effort to combat my scatter brain and procrastination issues I have decided to impart a "set schedule", which will hopefully offset these problems.

Even this blog which I had such high hopes for and I had an idea of how often I would post, has not panned out as I would have liked. Fortunately though I know who's to blame, me! I am now attempting to add Blog posts to my set schedule, and so from this day forth, barring any unforeseen emergency's, I will post a new Blog every Sunday! I have added writing, working out, and even simple things such as when I'm going to eat my meals, to my new schedule and I think it's something everyone should try.

If we can wake up every morning and walk to the bathroom where our schedule is staring us directly in the face, how much easier do you think it would be to stick to? Once we start to become accustom to our new routines you will be amazed with how automatic it becomes. Even if you only begin with a few items, if there are things that you know you want to do on the regular but you can't seem to incorporate them into your daily routine, try adding them to your set schedule, and if you miss these appointments there must be consequences. If we can't hold ourselves accountable, who else will?

As I am trying to get a slew of things done today I am keeping this post short and sweet, but I'd definitely like to hear about anyone's successes with imparting strict scheduling into their lives, so please comment and share.

Enjoy your Sunday everyone, and maybe today go find someone to hug and smile at!

Short story on bullying

This is a short story about bullying that I have just finished. I wanted to post it here first to get your comments and feedback. Please let me know what you think!

Tasha Learns a Lesson

Tasha is a playful 2 year old German Sheppard who loves to run and play. Tasha spends most of her time helping out at home because she lives with only her mother and baby brother. Besides the fact that Tasha doesn’t have much, she does her best to carry on as if nothing were wrong, and as if she was the same as everyone else.

One day as Tasha is rolling around on the grass by her favorite park a group of Rottweiler’s begins to approach.

            “Hi, my name is Tasha!” She excitedly jumps to her feet and exclaims.

            “What kind of a name is Tasha?” The leader of the pack snarls in response.

The other dogs in the group let out a mocking laugh in support of their leaders rude comment. Tasha thinks nothing of it and invites the dogs to join her in a game of chase.

            “This here is Sierra and Zeus, and my name is Jackson, sorry to be the one who has to tell you this, but we aren’t interested in playing with you, so get lost!”

Jackson flips Tasha a snarl to let her know he’s serious.

            “Awe come on, lets go have some fun!” Tasha eagerly responded paying little attention to Jackson’s warning.

Without hesitation Tasha playfully lunges towards Sierra to get the games underway. Before she can even adjust Jackson and Zeus tackle her and pin her on her back.

            “Hey, what’s the big idea, I thought we were going to play?” Tasha innocently yelps.

            “Clearly you didn’t get my point.” Jackson barks. “We are not interested in playing with you. Look at you you’re a weirdo. What’s with the long bushy tail, it looks like you have a fifth leg.”

Sierra and Zeus begin howling in laughter and they join in the teasing.

            “Tasha has a fifth leg, Tasha has a fifth leg!” Sierra and Zeus prance around singing.

Immediately Tasha’s mood had changed and she began to doubt herself. Why would the other dogs not want to run and play with me, she thought to herself? What could possibly be wrong with my tail, she wondered? Quickly Tasha noticed that Sierra, Zeus, and Jackson did not have long bushy tails, they instead had small little nubs for tails.

            “Wait a minute!” Tasha whimpered. “Just because you don’t have long tails, and I do, that means we can’t play or be friends?”

            “Not only is it that, but you have pointy ears, black and beige coloring, a long narrow mouth, and you sound kind of funny when you bark!” Sierra quickly chimed in.

All three of the dogs started rolling around in laughter as they took turns mocking and insulting Tasha.

            “You guys are really mean, why don’t you give it a rest!” Tasha tried to save face.

            “Hey Zeus, it looks like we have to take things to the next level.” Jackson called out.

As Tasha slowly backed away she failed to notice Sierra standing behind her.

            “Leaving so soon?” She cackled.

Just then Zeus and Jackson pounce on Tasha and Sierra runs around barking in approval. After getting roughed up for a little while Tasha manages to kick Zeus off and she darts away in the direction of home whining all the way.

            “I thought we were playing chase!?” Jackson teased.

            “Yeah, don’t forget to come back real soon!” Zeus joined in.

A trail of dust was all that remained because Tasha hightailed it out of there faster than ever before. She was well past Mario’s Hot Dog cart before she even looked to see if the dogs were following. When Tasha realized she was alone, her head drooped, her ears flopped down to the side, her tail was tucked between her legs and she slowly limped the rest of the way home.

Tasha could not get over what had just happened and she re-played the events over and over in her mind. Why would the other dogs be so mean? What did I do to make them not like me? She wondered. Tasha figured she would wait for her mom to arrive home and once she explained what happened, her mother would know just what to do.

Finally Tasha’s mother arrived home after a long day of work.

            “Mom, mom, you’ll never believe what happened to me today!” Tasha anxiously blurted out.

            “No, probably not, but I can tell you what I do believe. Why have you not started dinner, and where is your brother?” Tasha’s mother responded sternly.

            “But Mom….” Tasha tried to finish but her mother stopped her mid-sentence.

            “No buts young lady, go get your brother and lets get dinner started, we can talk later”

            “Yes mother.” Tasha muttered as she sulked out of the room.

Tasha feels very alone and she can’t understand why her mother doesn’t seem to care. Dejected she heads upstairs to get her brother ready for dinner.

After dinner Tasha tries again to talk to her mom about what happened earlier.

            “Not now Tasha, I still have so much to prepare before tomorrow!” Her mother brushes her off.

Tasha heads back to her room and she sits and stares out the window.

Just before bed Tasha’s mother comes to have their long overdue chat. Tasha explains every little detail of what happened to her at the park and she is getting quite emotional in the process. Tasha’s mother smiles and tries to make light of the situation, she explains that it’s all part of growing up.

            “It’s nothing to get so worked up about.” Tasha’s mother tells her.

            “Just remember what I always taught you. Be true to yourself, remember who you are and never let anyone change that!” She continued.

Tasha doesn’t fully understand her mother’s wise words of wisdom, and if anything she is more confused now than she was before. Tasha decides she has had enough for one day and its time for bed.

The next morning Tasha refuses to leave home, she sits and sulks all day long. She is too afraid of running into Jackson and his pals again. The whole day Tasha sits and thinks about all the terrible things that could happen to her if she went outside. Tasha is beginning to let fear control her.

Later that evening when Tasha’s mom returns home she quickly notices that Tasha has not left the house all day.

            “What’s wrong Tasha, why haven’t you gone out today, what about the milk I asked you to get for dinner?” Her mother asks her with a serious look.

            “I didn’t want to run into those mean dogs again.” Tasha replies.

Tasha’s mother comes over and nuzzles up next to her. She asked Tasha if she planned on never leaving the house again. Confused Tasha quickly said no and she asked her mom not to be so silly.

            “Why would that be a silly question?” Tasha’s mother asked.

            “If you’re afraid of seeing those dogs today, aren’t you going to be afraid of them tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that?”

Tasha was beginning to understand what her mother was trying to tell her.

            “Oh I get it, I can’t let fear control me!” Tasha exclaimed.

            “Exactly. You must find a way to meet this problem head on and deal with it or else the problem will never go away. I know you’ll do the right thing.” Her mother encouraged her.

Tasha thanked her mother excitedly and she told her that tomorrow she would return to the park.

            “Not so fast young lady, you can try right now, we still need that milk!” Tasha’s mother quickly added.

            “Aw Mom.” Tasha sighed.

            “No buts just go!” Tasha’s mom added while walking away.

All of a sudden Tasha was not as excited to go out as she was a few moments ago. But Tasha quickly remembered the words her mother told her.

            “I can do this, it’s time to face my fears, I will not let fear control me!” Tasha gave herself a quick pep talk.

With that Tasha went bounding out the door to grab some milk. As she made her way through the neighborhood Tasha hears a loud argument coming from a nearby window. She pushes a box over to the window with her nose and she stands on the box with her front paws so she can just barely peek inside. There was Jackson with his ears pinned back, literally shaking with fear. Jackson’s father was yelling and barking at him and he was pushing him very aggressively. All Tasha could clearly make out was;

            “You’re useless, you’ll never amount to anything, I wish I never had you!”

She could not believe her ears. Instantly her feelings for Jackson had changed and instead of being afraid and thinking he was a bad dog, she now felt very sorry for Jackson and she wanted to help.

Just then Jackson’s father let out the scariest and loudest growl Tasha had ever heard and it knocked her right off her feet. Moments later Jackson came bolting out of the house crying.

Tasha slowly approached.

            “Are you okay?” She sheepishly asked Jackson.

            “Nobody should ever be treated that way.” She added.

As she went to comfort Jackson he instantly shrugged her off.

            “Unless you want some more problems I suggest you mind your own business!” Jackson warned.

            “But it’s okay, I’m here for you, you don’t have to be afraid.” Tasha tried to console him.

Jackson lashed out at Tasha and he told her she doesn’t have a clue. With that Jackson turned and ran off.

Tasha quickly grabbed the milk and she continued on her way home. She couldn’t believe what she had witnessed and she couldn’t understand how a parent could be so mean to his own child.

When she returned home she told her mother about everything she saw. Tasha’s mother tried comforting her by explaining that just because she learns certain lessons at home and she is raised a specific way, that doesn’t mean Jackson is taught the same things or is raised the same way.

            “We must learn to accept people for who they are and sometimes it takes a little extra effort to understand why people act the way they do.” Tasha’s mother told her.

            “Thanks mom, I think!?” Tasha said scratching her head.

Tasha went off to bed preparing for her big day tomorrow, she was going to face her fears.

The next morning Tasha was up bright and early anxious to get her day underway. She said good-bye to her mother and brother as she went bouncing out the front door. As she makes her way towards Mario’s Hot Dog Cart she stops quickly to sit pretty and beg. Mario notices her and tosses a hot dog Tasha’s way. Tasha gives Mario a lick and a shake and she continues on her way. As she makes her way towards the park she notices that 3 other dogs are bullying Jackson. He looked terrified and Tasha didn’t know what to do. There was part of her that thought Jackson was getting what he deserved, but the other part of her wanted to help him because she knew nobody deserved this.

Thinking quickly Tasha picked up a large stick in her mouth, snarled her teeth, put all the fur on her back up in attack mode, and she ran towards the dogs barking and growling as loud as she could.

            “You dogs better get out of here and fast!” Tasha yelled while shaking her stick.

Before the other dogs could even think Tasha was quickly approaching so they did the only thing they could. They ran as fast as they could in the other direction.

            “And don’t let me catch you back here again!” Tasha added to keep them thinking.

With that Tasha headed over to see if Jackson was ok.

            “What, why, I don’t understand? Why would you help me?” Jackson asked confused.

            “I saw a dog who needed help, so I decided to help, it’s as simple as that!” Tasha explained.

Tasha told Jackson how her mother taught her to be understanding of everyone, even him, and she added that she didn’t believe Jackson was a bad dog she believed he made some mistakes and nobody had corrected them.

            “I still can’t believe you helped me, nobody has ever done that for me, thank you!” Jackson expressed his gratitude.

The “Thank you” Tasha received made her feel better than anything had ever made her feel. Tasha realized that when you help someone else it is the most powerful and positive act one can achieve. She was no longer afraid of Jackson because she understood why Jackson behaved like he did and it wasn’t his fault entirely.

Tasha helped Jackson home and she headed straight for hers. When she arrived she told her mom what happened. Tasha’s mother was so proud of her she let Tasha choose what they would have for dinner.

            “I knew you could do it, I’m so proud of you! You faced your fears and not only that, but you put aside your own feelings in order to help someone else!” Tasha’s mom gave her a huge hug while saying.

The next day Tasha met up with Jackson at the park. The two of them became the best of friends. With Jackson by her side, and the help of Zeus and Sierra, the group of friends patrolled the park searching to help any others that were in need.

Bill 13 & 14

After completing our first ever anti-bullying program with the Youth Justice Services of Ontario and the West Scarborough Neighbourhood Community Centre I was compelled to share my experiences. I also wanted to share my thoughts and opinions on Bills 13 & 14 and explain how the experience I had with the 12 kids I worked with, firmly cemented my opposition to them.

I'd like to start by thanking Davis, Alex, and Cynthia, from West Scarborough Neighbourhood Community Centre, for having the faith to allow me to come in and work with these kids. It is still completely unfathomable to me that these 12 kids I worked with (who were mainly all 13-15 years of age) were going to be formerly charged with criminal offences if it wasn't for this program. 

Before we get any further into the details of the program and its participants, I wanted to give you all a brief overview of Bills 13 & 14.

For those of you who are unaware Bill 13, the Safe Schools Act, and a Government Bill, was introduced by the Minister of Education, Laurel Broten, on behalf the of the Liberal Ontario government. 

Bill 14, the Anti-Bullying Act, was introduced as a Private Member’s Bill by Progressive Conservative MPP Elizabeth Witmer. Both bills were introduced on the same day, November 30, 2011, as each party attempted to legislatively address the issue in their own way.

The bills were never intended to complement each other. They were presented as alternative proposals. There is significant overlap between the bills, as each: addresses the same root issue; advances its own definition of bullying and cyber-bullying; proposes amendments for bullying reporting mechanisms; and, proposes an annual bullying awareness week.

However, Bill 13 goes much further by proposing additional and controversial amendments to the Education Act, such as potentially restricting access of religious congregations that rent school facilities for church services, requiring boards to implement equity and inclusive education policies and mandatory gay-straight alliance clubs.

Regardless of the definitions, both Bills set out to make bullying a crime, and both Bills dangerously tread on a violation of our Constitutional rights.

My initial stance on these proposed Bills is that they are absolutely ridiculous. How any citizen, parent, or future parent, could "sign on" to this initiative absolutely boggles the mind. I can somewhat understand how the parents of a victim of severe bullying would want retribution, or a scapegoat, but do we really want to start persecuting children who are not in control of their actions? If there is one thing I learned from this past weeks anti-bullying program its that all the kids had a very different side of the story, and when they described their lives outside of school I was amazed that some of them even made it to school period. If we can all accept that yesterdays bully can become today's victim, and vice versa, than we are in a position to make some positive change. When I was being interviewed on "The Scott Thompson Show" the other day he asked me specifically what my thoughts were on the criminalizing of bullying. I'll tell you the same thing I told him, "If anyone were to spend 10 minutes with these so-called bullies I am working with this week, they would never want a child charged with a crime, they would only want to help!"

In addition to that I pointed out how my other major struggle with the anti-bullying legislatures is the fact that we already have charges in our criminal code that address all the issues surrounding bullying. Would you not agree that assault, harassment, trespassing, and uttering a threat, all fall under the category of bullying? Are we forgetting that the main reason a child can not be charged as an adult is because of the fact that children are not aware of their actions? Children should be given the opportunity to make mistakes, several of them, and then its on all of us to ensure that they learn from their mistakes. The kids I spoke to this week had zero idea about the implications of their actions, and they had even less idea of the long term damage and effect it could have on them, the victim, and their lives. Kids want the chance to prove they can do better, but if they are afraid or have constantly been ignored, they are almost like a shy baby animal, they just want to run, hide, and display their toughness to intimidate you.

On top of the points I made about the existence of several charges that already address the issue at bullying, here are a few more that are less than 5 years old.

Bill 212, the Progressive Discipline and School Safety Act, received Royal Assent on June 4, 2007. It amended the Education Act to include bullying as a ground for which student suspension must be considered. Mandatory suspensions and expulsion would only be required in certain circumstances, for example, if a student gave alcohol to a minor or committed sexual assault. When responding to negative behaviour, principals would be required to consider “mitigating or other factors” such as if a student can understand the consequences of the behaviour, as well as the age and history of the student.

Bill 157, the Keeping our Kids Safe at School Act, received Royal Assent on June 5, 2009. It requires school staff to report incidents of bullying to the principal and intervene when a student is “behaving in a way that is likely to have a negative impact on the school climate.” Incidents of bullying must also be reported to the parents of the victim(s) as well as the parents of the bully, with some exceptions and with the principal’s discretion.

Policy/Program Memorandum No. 144 on Bullying Prevention and Intervention was issued on October 4, 2007 and requires Ontario school boards to “develop and implement policies on bullying prevention and intervention, and are required to have their policies in place by February 1, 2008.” Boards with existing policies were required to review them to ensure they were consistent with the memorandum. The policy also included a definition of “bullying”.

After reading all that do you really believe there is a need for an anti-bullying legislature, or maybe we are just coming up with another "band-aid" solution to our problems?

Getting back to the group of kids I worked with this past week, when I had one on one time with each participant I found it extremely challenging to remain composed and to not get overly emotional. How could anyone want to charge a 13 year old boy, who is being raised by his mother and 2 uncles, that has drug use all around him, they abuse him physically and verbally, and he believes that's how every ones home life is!?

If I've said it once I'll say it again, these kids need attention, love, respect, and support. If a child is struggling we must find out what is at the cause and then we must come up with a plan that can help this individual. Only after every option has been exercised should we even consider doing something so detrimental and with such finality, as to charge them and basically ruin their chances at a solid future.

I implore all of you to find out more about these legislatures and to do everything in your power to educate others and to have them tabled.

For more information on the programs we run and develop for all schools, community centres, and anywhere that children gather, please visit www.joshuastern.ca and don't hesitate to contact us at joshua@joshuastern.ca.