It Could All Be So Simple

I'm totally at a loss! I'm extremely frustrated, I'm overwhelmed and I honestly don't know what to think any more. I've been working with at risk youth now for over two years and I've got to say, the things that I've witnessed in such a short period of time, are more than I think the average person could handle. Our kids are fighting a losing battle and what saddens me the most is that the parents seem to be the number one problem in the majority of the cases we work. I am honestly truly confused as to what we can do when it comes to rescuing a severely at risk youth from their family home or from their parents.

I can't tell you how troubling it is to see the extremely negative reaction that we receive from the very people that hire us to go and help their children, assess their children and rescue their children. Then when we are prepared to discuss our findings, and God forbid those findings tell us that there is a major disconnect between children and parents, all of a sudden those same parents completely lose their ability to recognize that the only reason we are here is to help your child. There is no other reason whatsoever. Yet time and time again I'm faced with parents who just cannot accept or wrap their head around the fact that their actions are what's causing their children to suffer as much as they are.

There is no easy solution, it's a very, very difficult situation and I truly believe the saying "between a rock and a hard place" was made for these cases. Most recently I worked with a severely at-risk 16 year old boy and according to his family, they told me that within the last few weeks they'd notice some significant changes they were worried about. They mentioned drug use and they were convinced that something was mentally & emotionally wrong with their son. When we were brought into the case we began our research and our background work. After meeting with several individuals what became evident was that this was not a problem that started, or  even escalated a few weeks ago. It was something that has been going on for  multiple years and I don't know how it's not being noticed.

I don't know how individuals such as Amanda Todd or Rehtaeh Parsons walk through life dealing with these Demons and nobody has a clue as to what's going on. I find it utterly unimaginable. In an attempt to keep this post somewhat short I'm going to highlight a point from my latest book, "At risk youth, it takes one to know one" and it sounds so utterly simple, yet it's still not happening enough! If your child came to you and asked you to teach them how to play basketball or how to change the oil in your car and you had never done it before or were not proficient at it, would you even think twice about getting some outside help for your child whether it was a basketball coach or a mechanic friend? Is there any doubt that we would do our best to find someone that was more well versed in the subject matter that your child was interested in? So why when it comes to their emotional health, their understanding of anger and all sorts of useful tools such as resilience are we not as quick to go out and find somebody that might be better suited?

We must be willing to teach our children how to be successful and how to have a healthy mind, body and spirit. If we are not capable of helping our children deal with anger and frustration and emotional distress, we had better find someone to help us! I hate to say it, but we should be more interested with our children gaining those types of skills, as opposed to learning how to skate backwards or lift the puck off the ice when attempting a slap shot.

Maybe when the time comes that as parents we can put aside our own ego's and pride and not be affected by what anyone else thinks of our parenting skills we will see change. I cannot stress this next point enough,  IT'S NOT A NEGATIVE NOTCH ON YOUR PARENTING BELT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU NEED HELP!! If the number one lesson that we should be willing to teach our children is that it's okay to ask for help, how would they learn that lesson any better than if we followed our own advice? Our children need to know it is okay and in fact essential, that they ask for help. If we can teach our children that it's okay to feel weak at times, it's okay to say we are hurting at times and it's okay to make mistakes, we will give them the greatest gift they could receive. If we do not have the wherewithal as parents to understand what are child is going through and we need to find them a basketball coach to teach them a jump shot or we need to find our mechanic friend to teach our children how to change the oil, and lastly we must be willing to enlist the help of a behavioral & emotional  specialist if we are unable to do the job. Who else will fight for our youth if not us?

Here We Go Again Another Tragic Ending!

I decided to hold my post on the Rehtaeh Parsons suicide for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I wanted to respect radio host and my friend Roy Green, who was having me on his show to discuss this tragic event. Secondly I wanted to do a little more research so I could truly speak to this very sensitive and heart wrenching story.

Before I even delve into Rehtaeh's story, I wanted to be very clear that one of the major reasons I'm writing this post is because I can't believe how many others have suffered the same fate and how many of them we are no longer speaking of. Maybe if we stop treating these cases like a "Movie of the week" special, they will actually resonate with society the way they should and we can make the necessary changes.

For those of you who are unaware of Rehtaeh and her case, she was a 17 year old girl from Nova Scotia, Canada. In a nutshell she was at a party and she was severely intoxicated, at which point 4 boys apparently decided this would be the perfect opportunity to pounce. Here is a quote from the article titled "Rehtaeh Parsons: A family's tragedy and a town's shame" by Wendy Gillis of The Toronto Star, referring to when Rehtaeh's mother found out about the evening she was raped:

"A photograph showing one of the teens having sex with her daughter — him giving a thumbs-up, Parsons throwing up out a window — had been captured. It didn’t take long before it buzzed into the phones of classmates, who BlackBerry-messaged it to others, who texted it to others."

I just want to stop there for a moment. How in the world was nobody else aware of these photos and how did no-one else step up and put an end to this? There wasn't one teenager that thought this was inappropriate or devastating enough to tell an adult? That to me is one of the most alarming facts of this whole story. Are today's youth so numb to these situations that they don't even know when something is grossly inappropriate? I myself have an almost 6 year old son and if he was a teenager and he came across photos like that and didn't alert me or another adult, I'd probably lose my mind. It's almost like our society is becoming a real life version of the book "Lord of the Flies". That's the book where kids deserted on an Island are forced to act like adults and if we can remember, that didn't work out to well. Kids are supposed to act like kids and adults are the ones who should act like adults and raise/protect our youth. The attack occurred in late 2011, which means this was going on for almost a year and a half. How in the world could nobody intervene during that time and make things better? I don't even want to get into how it's possible that nobody was charged in this case until anonymous online postings basically forced the RCMP to re-open it.  I have so many more questions and concerns, but I don't want to lose sight of why I'm writing this post.

I want to talk about a few other recent cases that should not go unnoticed. Hopefully we all remember Amanda Todd, if not just Google or YouTube her and you'll find a plethora of information. She was the young girl who took her own life after constant harassment for showing her breasts to a young boy online. You can also look at two of my own past posts about the Amanda Todd story. It saddens me that nobody talks about Amanda anymore, she was just the flavor of the month I guess.

Next up we have the Steubenville, Ohio rape case, where two 17 year old boys sexually assaulted a 16 year old girl who was drunk to the point of blacking out. Several photos and videos were taken of the assault and night in question, and then the images were passed around via the Internet and cell phones. Thankfully the 2 boys in question were charged and convicted and thankfully the girl is still alive, although struggling. I guess we will have to wait a few months to see how that one plays out.

Than we have Audrie Pott. Audrie was a 15 year old girl who was sexually battered at a party. Are we beginning to see a theme here?? Just like the others Audrie was intoxicated and barely conscious when a group of 3 boys thought this would be the perfect time to make their moves. Pictures of the night were spread via text message and Audrie hung herself as it was all too much for her. My favorite part of this story is how the defense lawyer for the accused boys, who were arrested only 6 months after the assault, stated that he doesn't see a link between the sharing of these images and the suicide of Audrie!

Maybe it's idiots like that guy, who are raising children of their own, that are responsible for youth that act like this. I honestly can't believe a professional adult came up with that line. That's like me saying I don't see the connection in getting punched in the face, even though I called the guy an asshole and told him his mother is a slut right before I got hit. Does anyone else see the lunacy in this or is it just me?

I honestly don't even know what to say about all the teenage boys who are committing these heinous acts. I'm seriously at a loss. Who is raising these kids is my first question. How does a 16 year old boy think that it's a good idea to not only take advantage of a seriously intoxicated girl, but to also take photos and videos of it to share with friends? These boys sound like animals and opportunists to me. Where has the innocence of being young gone. I won't even write what I truly think should be done to these boys because then somehow it will be me who is in the wrong. If I was a parent to one of these individuals, I can't even imagine what I'd be feeling. Maybe the problem is that I'm not their parent. Maybe they have the kind of parent that says these girls probably deserved it, or they were begging for it, or my personal favorite, kids are just being kids.

I could write about this subject for days, but the fact is teenagers are killing themselves at alarming rates. In Alberta, Canada, in one year the number of pediatric suicides jumped from 14 kids in 2011 to 33 kids in 2012. This year so far there have been more than 5 teenage suicides. What do we think is the cause? Is it something in the water? Are kids just being born differently? Or maybe we are just failing our children as parents and adults? In my humble opinion its definitely the latter. I work with many youth who are at-risk and not at-risk and the number one thing that seems to connect all the cases I have been privy to, is a major lack of parenting. We must have an early detection system in place that allows us to properly asses all youth from as early an age as possible. Through schools or other community initiatives we have to find a way to get at these youth in order to establish what is missing and how we can get these children the support and guidance they truly need. Without this I'm afraid we are fighting a losing battle because as long as the family structure continues to deteriorate and money gets tighter, the kids are the ones who suffer. Who is raising our children if not for us?

As always at The Josh Project, The Corner and Hope House Youth Charity we are dedicated to helping all children grow to become successful adults. Please join us in this extremely important and necessary task however you can. We need you, but more importantly the kids need you. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and please do everything you can to pass this message along. Your comments, questions and concerns are always welcome!

Hope House Youth Charity and The Corner Toronto

I am very excited to share with you all our merging with Hope House Youth Charity and our new home at The Corner Toronto. We will finally have a full-time place for us to house all our programs and to open our doors and our hearts to as many local youth as possible! I wanted to also let you have a sneak peak at our media release!

The Josh Project is pleased to announce our new partnership with The Corner, formerly known as The Tikva House, in Toronto, Ontario. We have finally secured our first facility to run our multitude of youth empowerment programing and it is located in the Bathurst & Lawrence area of Toronto.

The director of The Corner, Yonah Budd and the director of The Josh Project, Joshua Stern, couldn’t be a better fit for each other and local youth. We like to call them the Batman & Robin of the Youth Empowerment sector. Yonah has over 30 years experience in rescuing youth from all types of at-risk and addiction scenarios and Joshua is the living, breathing example of how one can successfully turn their life around. Together they form the real life “Dynamic Duo”. The Old and the New have joined forces to assist as many youth as possible.

At “The Corner”, which is located at 3173A Bathurst Street in Toronto, Joshua’s vision of “Marion’s Place” will finally be coming to fruition thanks to the belief of Yonah.  This Drop-In centre will be available at all hours to give youth a safe, clean, positive and healthy environment to spend time at, as opposed to the streets or other unsupervised places. We will offer easy access to community and social services while providing free meals and a positive learning environment for youth in need.

Unfortunately the numbers are quite staggering when it comes to youth-at-risk and far too many young people are struggling. Whether it’s family issues, feeling isolated, addiction or lack of adult support there is definitely no shortage in the need department. We must realize that the typical school or work scenario does not apply to many of these youth that are struggling. For these individuals it is more about survival.

We take an approach of encouragement, guidance, consistency and discipline in order to help these youth during these extremely difficult times. Teens that find they struggle typically feel alienated, like their lives have no meaning or purpose and that they are unable to make positive choices and change. We are here to provide these youth with the ability to trust themselves and the ability to make good decisions. There are not many options for a lot of these youth and shelters or group homes don’t offer the support and growth needed to be successful.

At The Corner, The Josh Project is committed to creating a safe, peer-focused, learning and fun environment for our youth. We will offer a full range of support programs, addiction counseling and referral services for young adults. From understanding our emotions and addiction assessment to tutoring services, resume writing and job finding programs we will do everything in our power to support these individuals on their journey from youth to adult. We empower youth through relationships, mentors, peer support and life coaching.

The Corner and The Josh Project offers a safe space for youth to engage in positive programming to better their lives and the communities they live in. Our facility will be a great place for youth who are struggling, recovering or at-risk. We are here for you.

Thank you all for your ongoing love and support. Without it and you, we wouldn't be where we are today! Special mention to Yonah Budd, thank you for reaching out!

Something That Shouldn't Be Missed

I recently had this sent to me and in an attempt to get it as much attention as possible I decided to post it in my blog.

I know it's been almost a month since my last post, but I'm happy to say its for good reason. On top of "Straight Up Saturdays", which was the feature of my last post, I have secured two more regular Programs, one taking place at Marshall McLuhan Catholic School and the other at Terrace Residents. Needless to say between my regular routine, working on my 3rd book and being dad to a fabulous 5 &1/2 year old, it has been difficult to find the time.

I plan on at least one post per month and hopefully as time goes on I will be able to do it more frequently. I would like to regularly update you all on the progress and success of our programs, so I believe this will definitely be the platform.

Have a moment to take a read and I think it's definitely something we should share with as many people as possible. With the exception of maybe the "Robbie" scenario, I think all of these are very accurate and quite frightening.

Let me know what you think and as always I appreciate all the support. Let's keep fighting the good fight.

SCHOOL  1950s-1980s vs. 2012 Scenario : Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school. 1950s-80s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. 2012 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes. Scenario : Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1950s-80s - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability. Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1950s-80s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.  Scenario : Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1950s-80s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a solicitor. 2012 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons. Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out. Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night,puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.  1950s-80s - Wasps die. 2012- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again. Scenario : Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him. 1950s-80s - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing games. No damage done. 2012 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay. This should be sent to every e-mail address you know to remind us how stupid we have become!

Straight Up Saturdays

I want to start by apologizing for my somewhat lengthy absence from posting a new blog. I assure you I have been quite busy preparing programs, working with youth, being a single father to a boisterous 5 year old and completing writing projects, but I guess that's life! I will do my best to post more frequently in the near future, but somethings take priority and that is just the way things go at times.

For the main reason of this new post, I wanted to take a moment and share with you all a little information about a new workshop The Josh Project and The Joyeride are about to initiate. 

Joye Dunkley, from TheJoyeride.com, and I have come up with this great Youth empowerment program called "Straight Up Saturdays. The program will be held at Fallstaff Community Centre at 50 Fallstaf Avenue in Toronto,  in the Jane and Wilson area. 

The purpose of this initiative is to provide the essential tools that all youth need in order to grow to successful adults, while avoiding the pitfalls many of them face today. We chose an area where there is greater need as many youth who reside in this community face several situations of growing up at-risk. We hope to build confidence, instil resilience and help the youth with coping skills/mechanisms. On top of teaching the youth how to properly deal with emotions, anger management and the truth behind acts of violence, we will also be focusing on healthy eating and fitness habits. By engaging the youth in many different activities and real-life skills, our goal is to give these individuals the opportunities to be successful.

We are asking that anyone who would be willing to be involved or volunteer to please reach out and let us know what you are willing and capable of contributing. It's a great way to give back to our communities and helping our youth is truly a passion. Even if you have some suggestions as to how we can make this a great experience, your feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Hope you all enjoyed the Family Day long weekend and as always I ask you to think about some families that may not have had a great weekend for many reasons.

It's on us to improve the lives of everyone!

A Lonely Christmas

This being the first Christmas since my separation almost a year ago I decided to write about the effect being apart from my son had on me these past two days. While being apart from my son anytime is a challenge, I share custody with his mother, I never expected Christmas would be much different. I have my son essentially half of every week, as I made a point of moving as close to him as possible so that I wouldn't have to be an every other weekend father. I honestly don't think I could have handled that because being a father is something I always dreamed of.

Growing up Jewish, even though I always loved Christmas, it's not a new experience for me to be alone during this time of year. Although for the past 15 years I always had friends that I would typically celebrate with. Of course 5 of those 15 years I spent Christmas with my son and in-laws, so that had pretty much become routine. This Christmas I was alone as most of my friends live at least an hour away and I guess being newly single I'm not on the top of most peoples invite list. To make matters even more difficult, I was very quickly replaced by another man mere days after I moved out of my former family house. For those who know me or those who have read about me, dealing with adversity is nothing new, but I must say this has been one of the toughest years of my life and this Christmas pretty much capped it off. To say I'm anxious for 2013 would be a huge understatement.

Christmas eve wasn't too bad, with the exception of the morning when I had to watch my son leave for what I knew would be his first Christmas without his father, because I hung out with a friend. Regardless of trying to enjoy myself last night, I couldn't stop thinking about my son and his anticipation of Christmas morning. I was also quite uncomfortable with the thought of my son celebrating Christmas with my old family and this new guy, but I guess that's part of life. Today though was a different story. When the morning phone calls and messages I placed to all my Christmas celebrating friends were over, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what my past 5 years had been like on Christmas morning. It took all the resilience I have to not go crazy thinking about my son waking up to another man and his mom, running downstairs for Christmas breakfast and then heading off to his mom's family for the day of presents, food and celebration. I felt like I was in a time warp and everyone had moved forward and here I was stuck thinking about the past. I still can't fathom how none of my former in-laws have even bothered to reach out to me and especially during the holiday season to not get a card, a text, an email or even a Facebook message, but again, I guess that's the way it goes.

What I really don't understand is how all of them, who spent Christmas with me last year, would not even bat an eye at the fact that this year there is a new man there in my place. Yet we wonder why today's youth are struggling so much. I can only imagine what my son is thinking. I know that he's aware because when we are together he tells me how he wishes I could be there with him and his mom on Christmas and he often talks about how much he wishes we could go back to our old house where he, his mother and I, were all together. It kills me to think about how difficult it must be for him, but then I wonder if it's just me who is having such a hard time with it. I miss my family, I miss my son and even though relationships are tough, I was definitely in it for the long haul and being separated was never part of my plan. When I see my ex, it almost feels as if time stands still for me and it doesn't feel much different from when we were together. On her end, I kind of feel like that song "Somebody that I used to know" is how she looks at me. It's like I have been erased and it totally stings.

I'm sure many of you reading this may think I'm stuck and I have to move on, but I assure you I have moved on. Not that it makes any of this easier, but what other choice do I have. I love my ex for better and for worse, and I say love, not loved, because I am a firm believer that you can't turn love off. To me, if you ever loved someone, and I mean truly loved them, you will never stop loving them.

All I know is that Christmas day 2012 was a lonely one and it brought a lot of feelings and emotions to the surface. I figured the best way to deal with them, seeing that nothing else was working today, was to share some of those feelings and at the very least get them out! For anyone else out there who knows what I'm talking about, please hang in there. It will get easier and feeling this way is completely normal and understandable no matter what anyone tells you. Do not let others opinions get in the way of how you process things and how you deal. Trust your instincts and my thought is even though times can be tough, you will be fine. I for instance know for a fact that next Christmas will be much easier than this one and that is something to look forward to.

I hope all of you had a great holiday season and I'm wishing you a very Happy New Year.

Thanks for listening.

Connecticut Shootings

It's been a while since my last written blog, as I've moved more to video blogs on our YouTube channel at the Joshua Stern Project, but I've decided with the recent shooting in Connecticut to go back to the good old-fashioned written blog. 

As is everyone I would hope, I am extremely saddened and emotionally disturbed that yet again we've had a terrible and tragic shooting. This time involving elementary school students, 20 of which are dead and we are all left to wonder what this world is coming to. As usual the first thing everybody starts talking about is gun control. Now while I think this is definitely a good start, we also need to look closer at this whole situation. 

First off, guns are not the only weapon that an individual intent on causing harm can utilize. For example, the same day as the shootings in Connecticut a knife wielding maniac went to an elementary school in China and stabbed 20 children. Thankfully none of the children died, but it is still something we should all be aware of. Let's also not forget how easy that same individual, with the same intent, could make an explosive of some sort with all the recipes easily available on the Internet. 

Secondly, if we are going to talk about gun control, especially in the US, why don't we start with the banning of semi-automatic weapons and maybe start looking at the same sort of gun laws that we have in Canada. While you can still own a "long-gun", typically used for hunting and sport, it is very difficult for a citizen to obtain a handgun. Now I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that right off the bat it will be very difficult to have a mass shooting when you constantly have to reload a hunting rifle. It's definitely NOT the solution, but it is a great start. 

In all honesty though, why do we think or believe, that controlling guns or having registration of more guns is going to end the violence? These guns will still be able to be purchased, only illegally. Majority of the time these tragic shootings are not done by the legal gun owners and even in the Connecticut shooting last week, technically the guns were stolen from the shooters mother. We can also talk about how she possibly didn't have them locked up properly and was she the only one with a key. 

We absolutely have to look at the bigger picture here. What is causing these highly disturbed people to act out with such violence and such a lack of concern for human life. We need to find out more about the person responsible for the shootings, not just that they were loners, highly intelligent, emotionally disturbed and possibly on some form of prescription drug. The United States has more people and children on prescription drugs than anywhere else in the world. Maybe that is something we need to look into further. Some of these prescribed drugs are as strong as heroin and if an individual misses just 1 dose it can have serious implications. With this shooting in particular there is one glaring piece of this puzzle that we need to know more about. We need to look into the fact that this individual shot his mother several times before going out on his rampage at the school. This right away tells me that there was another major issue going on here for him to take such vengeance on his mother. This is a question we should all be asking. There is more to this story than just a random act of violence. I guarantee there was a reason, however crazy it is, that this young man did what he did.

As opposed to blaming the guns, let's blame the system that is clearly failing so many people. Let's talk about what makes one individual commit the act while another individual facing as many problems or more, would never go to this extreme. When we talk about the parents who are burying children, I wonder if all they think about is guns or if they think about the person responsible for what has happened. I also wonder how helpful it is to have this flood of media attention and Presidential speeches, do we really believe this offers up any amount of resolution for these families? Maybe when the movie comes out that will also help them? Maybe instead they should take all the money generated from this media blitz and stories that are sure to follow and shut that school down forever. Memorialize that school and build a new one in its place. 

I could go on and on with this topic, but these are just a few of my main thoughts. If you enjoyed this post please leave a comment and visit us at our website, www.JoshuaStern.ca where I work with at-risk youth on the regular.

I thank you all for your time.