Dear Dad,
I wonder how it is that two people can love each other as much as we do and yet we walk through this life as strangers with disdain for one another? How is it that there is nobody closer to me and yet we are worlds apart?
I'm almost 40 now and I guess it's me at this point, but I wish you would look at me the way you did when I was young. It's crazy to me that 30 years later I can still remember the sparkle in your eyes and the smile that would appear on your face as I entered the room as a child. We were as close as a father and son could be, at least that's how I pictured us. Nowadays I walk into the room and you bow your head or look away and whether you realize it or not, as strong as I am, that shit hurts and I notice it. I'm not saying you do it purposely or knowingly, but I definitely see the difference when my older brother walks in a room. That's the feeling I want. The feeling that your father, the man who brought you into this world, would actually be happy to see you. Happy to hear about your day and happy to speak about the man you've become and continue striving to be.
I know it was before my 13th birthday that things had changed with us and it was around that time I felt abandoned by you. You had thrown your hands up into the air and metaphorically speaking you had reached your limits, you had no idea what else to do and so you gave up. For the next 20 years I experienced many of the horrors life can hand an individual, and I faced them alone and I never broke! When we talk there is always animosity and that's if you're even listening. I know this is a very sad thing I'm about to say, but it's true. I have such little belief in myself and my abilities because you seem to have none in me. How can a young boy grow into a successful adult if the one man he trusts, loves, idolizes and looks up to, doesn't have belief in him? As an adult I have to give myself a pep talk everyday to offset the damage that was done by never having you tell me that you believed in me or you were proud of the choices I was making. I have to stare myself in a mirror every morning and tell myself I'm great, special, lucky and able to handle anything that comes my way, because if I don't, nobody ever will.
That is not how life should be. At this age I should be confident in who I am and the path I've chosen. I shouldn't have to remind myself everyday that I'm on the right path. But doubt crept in from a young age and I haven't been able to fully shake it since. You can't do what you want and you can't follow in my footsteps, you'd tell me. This is who I want you to be and this is the only version of you I will support. How does a child deal with that? I was punished and ridiculed repeatedly for not falling into line, when truly I should have been rewarded and awed at that such a young child could stick to his own beliefs and have so much resilience. I never hurt anyone, I only wanted to be me. I guess this is one of the reasons there has been so much struggle, nobody else seemed to be happy with me being me. So I guess you're right, at some point I turned my back on all of you. What other choice did I have? But the fact that you or anyone in our family has ever attempted to put the onus on me as a child, truly makes my blood boil. How is it possible that a child could even formulate those kinds of thoughts? Oh wait, I get it, it's much easier to place blame on a child than to accept that maybe you had something to do with the way he behaves.
I know better than to blame others and I have worked extremely hard at becoming the best version of me that I can, but it still hurts. You don't think I wish I could flip a switch and everything would go away? Do you not think about how many times I have to sit and wish I didn't have the memories I do? I would give almost anything to never again have to see/feel what it was like to be sexually assaulted as a kid. Do you know how many times I wish I could never think about how at 15 years of age you sent me to live at a group home because you didn't know how else to deal with me? Was that really the case or was I too much of a burden? Did I get in the way of your schedule or your idea of how life was supposed to be? I'm sorry you had me and I'm even more sorry I didn't turn out the way you'd hoped, but how foolish was it for an intelligent and successful man such as yourself to believe you could bring a life into this world and you would be able to plan/dictate exactly how their life turned out? I'm a 39 year old man who still feels the burn of being abandoned by a family that is quite close. It was like being born into a great group, but as soon as they found out you were left-handed, all of a sudden you were cursed and evil. That may be a bit extreme, so a better comparison would simply be that if my family were all part of a special and secret club, I did not make the cut.
I am now a father myself and when I see how close and loving my relationship is with my son, would you believe that I look at the calendar at times and wonder how many years I have left before my son and I have the same falling out you and I did? It scares me more than anything when I think about my son ever thinking about me, our relationship or the way I look at him, in the same way I think of you! I'm super protective of him and can you blame me? Every person that was close to me when I was young and growing turned their backs on me and then told a child that it was he who turned his back on them. I don't want my son to ever feel that his family turned on him or didn't think he was special and amazing. I would keep them all away from him forever if I thought that was the case.
Now I work with children and youth who are a lot like I was and also a lot different, but I want them to know it gets easier and there are many ways to avoid falling as far as I did or others I know did. When I come to you for validation, it appears that all that matters is how much money I earned. My value on this planet seems directly linked to my bank account in this family and it makes me crazy. Do you not know how hard it can be? Do you not think about how easy it is to give up on your dreams and go do what everyone else does? Do you not understand that if I'm not passionate about what I'm doing, it's literally impossible for me to do?
I love you dad and I will continue to strive for my personal best. I hope one day I do something that somehow breaks this almost 30 year curse and we can get back to where we once were. I do want you to know that I'm aware that much of what you do is not consciously done to hurt me and I'm extremely well aware that we all have our limitations, but if you care about me like you say you do, maybe you can try a bit harder in a few places.
Funny thing is I'll probably never send this to you and you'll probably never read it, but I wonder if you did, if anything would change or you would just read it and look at me with the same disappointment you've been looking at me with for as long as I can remember.
Just in case you do get a chance to read this, I want you to know something! I think and so do many others, that I turned out pretty amazing and I'm still climbing.
Love you dad,
A son.
I wonder how it is that two people can love each other as much as we do and yet we walk through this life as strangers with disdain for one another? How is it that there is nobody closer to me and yet we are worlds apart?
I'm almost 40 now and I guess it's me at this point, but I wish you would look at me the way you did when I was young. It's crazy to me that 30 years later I can still remember the sparkle in your eyes and the smile that would appear on your face as I entered the room as a child. We were as close as a father and son could be, at least that's how I pictured us. Nowadays I walk into the room and you bow your head or look away and whether you realize it or not, as strong as I am, that shit hurts and I notice it. I'm not saying you do it purposely or knowingly, but I definitely see the difference when my older brother walks in a room. That's the feeling I want. The feeling that your father, the man who brought you into this world, would actually be happy to see you. Happy to hear about your day and happy to speak about the man you've become and continue striving to be.
I know it was before my 13th birthday that things had changed with us and it was around that time I felt abandoned by you. You had thrown your hands up into the air and metaphorically speaking you had reached your limits, you had no idea what else to do and so you gave up. For the next 20 years I experienced many of the horrors life can hand an individual, and I faced them alone and I never broke! When we talk there is always animosity and that's if you're even listening. I know this is a very sad thing I'm about to say, but it's true. I have such little belief in myself and my abilities because you seem to have none in me. How can a young boy grow into a successful adult if the one man he trusts, loves, idolizes and looks up to, doesn't have belief in him? As an adult I have to give myself a pep talk everyday to offset the damage that was done by never having you tell me that you believed in me or you were proud of the choices I was making. I have to stare myself in a mirror every morning and tell myself I'm great, special, lucky and able to handle anything that comes my way, because if I don't, nobody ever will.
That is not how life should be. At this age I should be confident in who I am and the path I've chosen. I shouldn't have to remind myself everyday that I'm on the right path. But doubt crept in from a young age and I haven't been able to fully shake it since. You can't do what you want and you can't follow in my footsteps, you'd tell me. This is who I want you to be and this is the only version of you I will support. How does a child deal with that? I was punished and ridiculed repeatedly for not falling into line, when truly I should have been rewarded and awed at that such a young child could stick to his own beliefs and have so much resilience. I never hurt anyone, I only wanted to be me. I guess this is one of the reasons there has been so much struggle, nobody else seemed to be happy with me being me. So I guess you're right, at some point I turned my back on all of you. What other choice did I have? But the fact that you or anyone in our family has ever attempted to put the onus on me as a child, truly makes my blood boil. How is it possible that a child could even formulate those kinds of thoughts? Oh wait, I get it, it's much easier to place blame on a child than to accept that maybe you had something to do with the way he behaves.
I know better than to blame others and I have worked extremely hard at becoming the best version of me that I can, but it still hurts. You don't think I wish I could flip a switch and everything would go away? Do you not think about how many times I have to sit and wish I didn't have the memories I do? I would give almost anything to never again have to see/feel what it was like to be sexually assaulted as a kid. Do you know how many times I wish I could never think about how at 15 years of age you sent me to live at a group home because you didn't know how else to deal with me? Was that really the case or was I too much of a burden? Did I get in the way of your schedule or your idea of how life was supposed to be? I'm sorry you had me and I'm even more sorry I didn't turn out the way you'd hoped, but how foolish was it for an intelligent and successful man such as yourself to believe you could bring a life into this world and you would be able to plan/dictate exactly how their life turned out? I'm a 39 year old man who still feels the burn of being abandoned by a family that is quite close. It was like being born into a great group, but as soon as they found out you were left-handed, all of a sudden you were cursed and evil. That may be a bit extreme, so a better comparison would simply be that if my family were all part of a special and secret club, I did not make the cut.
I am now a father myself and when I see how close and loving my relationship is with my son, would you believe that I look at the calendar at times and wonder how many years I have left before my son and I have the same falling out you and I did? It scares me more than anything when I think about my son ever thinking about me, our relationship or the way I look at him, in the same way I think of you! I'm super protective of him and can you blame me? Every person that was close to me when I was young and growing turned their backs on me and then told a child that it was he who turned his back on them. I don't want my son to ever feel that his family turned on him or didn't think he was special and amazing. I would keep them all away from him forever if I thought that was the case.
Now I work with children and youth who are a lot like I was and also a lot different, but I want them to know it gets easier and there are many ways to avoid falling as far as I did or others I know did. When I come to you for validation, it appears that all that matters is how much money I earned. My value on this planet seems directly linked to my bank account in this family and it makes me crazy. Do you not know how hard it can be? Do you not think about how easy it is to give up on your dreams and go do what everyone else does? Do you not understand that if I'm not passionate about what I'm doing, it's literally impossible for me to do?
I love you dad and I will continue to strive for my personal best. I hope one day I do something that somehow breaks this almost 30 year curse and we can get back to where we once were. I do want you to know that I'm aware that much of what you do is not consciously done to hurt me and I'm extremely well aware that we all have our limitations, but if you care about me like you say you do, maybe you can try a bit harder in a few places.
Funny thing is I'll probably never send this to you and you'll probably never read it, but I wonder if you did, if anything would change or you would just read it and look at me with the same disappointment you've been looking at me with for as long as I can remember.
Just in case you do get a chance to read this, I want you to know something! I think and so do many others, that I turned out pretty amazing and I'm still climbing.
Love you dad,
A son.
