Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Mother's Day Thoughts
As the buzz of The Mother's Day weekend comes to an end, I wanted to share some thoughts. I hope everyone that is a Mother, or, has a mother, can truly appreciate how lucky and blessed you truly are. For there are many of us out here who no longer have that luxury and instead of the tremendous joy this day typically brings, for us it's a tad different. The last 5 years since my mother passed I have all but ignored this day. It's not that I don't want to remember the good times, or celebrate her life, it's more a reflection of how I find it uncomfortable when there is such emphasis put on this day, it becomes overwhelming. A mother is an incredible person, unmatched even, and anyone who has dealt with the loss of theirs, knows all to well that you don't and shouldn't need one special day of the year to celebrate these wonderful individuals. I for one wish that everyday I could call my mom and tell her I love her. I wish that just once my 4 year old son could see the grandmother he's never met, and lastly, everytime I see family celebrations or weddings, I wish my mother was still here for that. So my message should hopefully be clear, but if you are one of the fortunate one's who still got to celebrate this weekend, please don't forget how lucky you are, and how important she is. Let's make everyday Mother's Day, and Father's Day, and children's day. For the more that we celebrate eachother, and the more that we appreciate their company and efforts, the better off we will all be!!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Final Excerpt from my upcoming book
This specific section is from pages 99-102
“Knock, knock”, there it is, the sound I had been waiting for so I could go back to my movie and dinner. As I go to open the door, 3 guys come busting in with guns and Nimo, whose face has been smashed up! “Get to the ground and stare at the wall”, one of the guys shouts while pointing a gun at my face. I obviously complied instantly, while managing to avoid shitting myself!! In the next few moments I sat there contemplating death. I figured there was no reason to leave me alive. All I could think of was my mother, and nothing else! Two of the guys I recognized from a nightclub outing with Matthew, I remember Matthew telling me they were the “higher ups” in his drug ring, and I knew they were aware of that too. They were obviously willing to kill Nemo, as I could hear them threatening him. They were also continuously hitting him in the face with their guns. Then they took bleach powder and rubbed it all over his face and in his mouth. One of them kept shouting, “where is my @$#$ money, I want my money back”! The last part I witnessed was them smashing his shoulder and arm with a bat, and trust me, you never want to listen to the sound of bones smashing under that kind of force. As the sound of sirens approached, the intruders needed a way out of the building. I had a plan, and I figured it was the only way they’d let me live. I told them we will all go to my car, they can put Nimo in my trunk, and I’d bring my dog with to make it look like we were going to the “Dog Park”, which happened to be very close by, and very popular. I felt a little awkward, and I was very scared, but I figure, especially with my past, that Nimo obviously stole from these guys, and I knew Nimo was a low life; I surely was not prepared to die or go to jail, for that guy. We made it down to the underground parking unnoticed and we got into my car as planned. As we made our way to the garage exit, an Officer stopped me. I calmly explained me and my buddies were going to grab a bite to eat and take my dog to the park. With little hesitation he stepped aside and off we went. Around 2 blocks later I made a turn and the guy next to me said, “This is good, stop right here and pop the trunk”! I did exactly as they said, and when they were leaving they said, “We hope to never see you again, under these circumstances”! They took Nimo and walked in one direction, I drove off in the other. Eventually I went back home, where I was greeted by blood in more than enough places, the bleach powder all over the kitchen, and my dinner was ruined! I sat on the couch lit a cigarette and thanked my lucky stars that I was still alive. It seemed like forever when I was sitting in the corner of my apartment, hoping I wouldn’t get killed. I really just tried to focus on my mother’s face, and I continuously told myself that I hadn’t accomplished any of the things I wanted to accomplish in this life, so it can’t be time for me to die!! I didn’t even finish my cigarette when the all too familiar knocking of an Officer startled me. “Whack, Whack, Whack” on the door, like they are trying to break it down, or at the very least get everyone’s attention! Two detectives stood in the entranceway and one asked me if my name was Joshua. He then proceeded to ask me if they could come in, as they had all but let themselves in already regardless of what I was going to say! As the 2 detectives showed me their badges and started talking, it felt a lot more like an interrogation then a victim making his statement to the Police, but that was nothing new for me. At the end of me telling them what happened, they told me I’d be hearing from them again, and if they caught the criminals responsible, I would be testifying in court. When they asked me the all important question, if I knew any of the criminals who entered my home earlier that night, I said no! They walked out and informed me the rest of their team would be collecting evidence for the next few hours. I sat on my balcony for the majority of the evening smoking and contemplating the many outcomes that I was sure to face as things continued to unfold, and why I was so fortunate to have been spared thus far.
“Knock, knock”, there it is, the sound I had been waiting for so I could go back to my movie and dinner. As I go to open the door, 3 guys come busting in with guns and Nimo, whose face has been smashed up! “Get to the ground and stare at the wall”, one of the guys shouts while pointing a gun at my face. I obviously complied instantly, while managing to avoid shitting myself!! In the next few moments I sat there contemplating death. I figured there was no reason to leave me alive. All I could think of was my mother, and nothing else! Two of the guys I recognized from a nightclub outing with Matthew, I remember Matthew telling me they were the “higher ups” in his drug ring, and I knew they were aware of that too. They were obviously willing to kill Nemo, as I could hear them threatening him. They were also continuously hitting him in the face with their guns. Then they took bleach powder and rubbed it all over his face and in his mouth. One of them kept shouting, “where is my @$#$ money, I want my money back”! The last part I witnessed was them smashing his shoulder and arm with a bat, and trust me, you never want to listen to the sound of bones smashing under that kind of force. As the sound of sirens approached, the intruders needed a way out of the building. I had a plan, and I figured it was the only way they’d let me live. I told them we will all go to my car, they can put Nimo in my trunk, and I’d bring my dog with to make it look like we were going to the “Dog Park”, which happened to be very close by, and very popular. I felt a little awkward, and I was very scared, but I figure, especially with my past, that Nimo obviously stole from these guys, and I knew Nimo was a low life; I surely was not prepared to die or go to jail, for that guy. We made it down to the underground parking unnoticed and we got into my car as planned. As we made our way to the garage exit, an Officer stopped me. I calmly explained me and my buddies were going to grab a bite to eat and take my dog to the park. With little hesitation he stepped aside and off we went. Around 2 blocks later I made a turn and the guy next to me said, “This is good, stop right here and pop the trunk”! I did exactly as they said, and when they were leaving they said, “We hope to never see you again, under these circumstances”! They took Nimo and walked in one direction, I drove off in the other. Eventually I went back home, where I was greeted by blood in more than enough places, the bleach powder all over the kitchen, and my dinner was ruined! I sat on the couch lit a cigarette and thanked my lucky stars that I was still alive. It seemed like forever when I was sitting in the corner of my apartment, hoping I wouldn’t get killed. I really just tried to focus on my mother’s face, and I continuously told myself that I hadn’t accomplished any of the things I wanted to accomplish in this life, so it can’t be time for me to die!! I didn’t even finish my cigarette when the all too familiar knocking of an Officer startled me. “Whack, Whack, Whack” on the door, like they are trying to break it down, or at the very least get everyone’s attention! Two detectives stood in the entranceway and one asked me if my name was Joshua. He then proceeded to ask me if they could come in, as they had all but let themselves in already regardless of what I was going to say! As the 2 detectives showed me their badges and started talking, it felt a lot more like an interrogation then a victim making his statement to the Police, but that was nothing new for me. At the end of me telling them what happened, they told me I’d be hearing from them again, and if they caught the criminals responsible, I would be testifying in court. When they asked me the all important question, if I knew any of the criminals who entered my home earlier that night, I said no! They walked out and informed me the rest of their team would be collecting evidence for the next few hours. I sat on my balcony for the majority of the evening smoking and contemplating the many outcomes that I was sure to face as things continued to unfold, and why I was so fortunate to have been spared thus far.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day!! Final Excerpt from "A Mother's Love...
This section is from Pages 180-183 of my book.
One afternoon I was heading to the hospital to visit with my mother, but as I arrived at her room the bed was empty and cleaned, I instantly felt weak in the knees and I panicked. I thought she may have died during the night and I was completely unaware. As I paced the cancer ward frantically trying to find her, a nurse who had recognized me approached, and informed me that around 1am that morning my mother had been transferred to the I.C.U. ward at their sister hospital next door. I experienced so many emotions as I sprinted to the other hospital, was this the end, why had nobody informed me, where was my father?!? I entered the I.C.U. ward and immediately started searching for my mother. After a few minutes of panicked wandering I spotted my mother lying in a bed. She looked as frail as I had ever seen her, and it was as if all the life had been sucked out of her. On top of that she was hooked up to several machines including a respirator. I was all alone and I was losing my mind. I turned the corner and fell to the ground crying. As I attempted to wipe away the tears and stand back up I noticed my father heading towards me. If it wasn’t for the fact that I felt some remorse for what my father must have been going through, I’m sure I would have punched him in the face right then and there. I was furious and filled with rage. As he approached I immediately asked him, “What is wrong with you, when did you now mom was transferred, and why wasn’t I immediately notified!?” My slightly emotionless father actually replied with, “It was late, and I didn’t want to disturb you!” I was filled with a rage I have never felt before. “It was late, that’s the best you can come up with!?” I continued to attack, “I had to go to the wrong hospital, think my mother had died, and then I find her like this!?” I couldn’t fathom what my father had done. “Did you actually think this would be a better way for me to find her, why didn’t you call me first thing in the morning?” The onslaught of questions I had left my father speechless. Lastly I looked him square in the eye and said, “Just to be clear, when it comes to my mother’s life, I don’t care what time it is or where you are, you notify me immediately, are we clear?” He may have apologized, but to this day I have no recollection of it. My father told me that we should go check on my mother because he only had a few minutes before he had to leave to play tennis!? I spared him my next rant but I honestly could not believe that there lay his wife, and the mother of his children, hanging on by a thread, and he was going to play tennis. What world was this, who would behave like this, I was baffled and losing my mind. Together, my father and I made our way to my mother’s bed and she was barely conscious. I stood by the foot of her bed and I placed my hand on her ankle as I was preparing to come closer. My mother raised her hand at me and it was clear she was not waving hello. I knew it had a couple of meanings; firstly, it meant stop, don’t come any closer, I won’t let you see me like this, and secondly it meant I love you and goodbye! I then stood there frozen in time as she motioned for my father to come close. She reached for his hand and just gazed in his eye’s for what seemed like an eternity. My father was completely oblivious, and when I recounted this event for him in later years he had zero recollection, but my mother was saying good-bye. With that my father and I left and went our separate ways, It was the last time either of us would see her alive with the exception of a few minutes on the respirator before she passed away later the next day. As we would find out later that week, my aunt was actually the last person to speak to her and even when things were looking very grim and my mother had no chance of recovery, my aunt told her it was okay to “let go”. My mother actually refused and told her and the doctors that if she lost consciousness she wanted to be intubated, which simply meant she wanted to go on a respirator to help her breathe. What a woman, she was a fighter to the very end! The day my mother was pronounced dead I remember sitting in her room with her lifeless body as it is Jewish tradition to remain with the body until it is time for her to be moved to the funeral home. My father and brother were there too and it felt like we were 2 separate groups mourning the same mother and wife. Both of them stood on one side of her body grieving and consoling each other while I stood crying by myself on the other. At one point they put their arms around me and we gave my mother one last group hug. For me it felt like charity and at that very moment I knew I was all alone. The one person who never judged me and always supported me was gone, I felt empty, and a part of me died that day, Aug. 13/2006. About a week or two before my mother passed away I was sitting with her in the hospital and I started writing what would be my final song. As I returned home the night she died, I immediately finished writing the song and I recorded it that same night. I put my pen down that day and I haven’t written another song since.
One afternoon I was heading to the hospital to visit with my mother, but as I arrived at her room the bed was empty and cleaned, I instantly felt weak in the knees and I panicked. I thought she may have died during the night and I was completely unaware. As I paced the cancer ward frantically trying to find her, a nurse who had recognized me approached, and informed me that around 1am that morning my mother had been transferred to the I.C.U. ward at their sister hospital next door. I experienced so many emotions as I sprinted to the other hospital, was this the end, why had nobody informed me, where was my father?!? I entered the I.C.U. ward and immediately started searching for my mother. After a few minutes of panicked wandering I spotted my mother lying in a bed. She looked as frail as I had ever seen her, and it was as if all the life had been sucked out of her. On top of that she was hooked up to several machines including a respirator. I was all alone and I was losing my mind. I turned the corner and fell to the ground crying. As I attempted to wipe away the tears and stand back up I noticed my father heading towards me. If it wasn’t for the fact that I felt some remorse for what my father must have been going through, I’m sure I would have punched him in the face right then and there. I was furious and filled with rage. As he approached I immediately asked him, “What is wrong with you, when did you now mom was transferred, and why wasn’t I immediately notified!?” My slightly emotionless father actually replied with, “It was late, and I didn’t want to disturb you!” I was filled with a rage I have never felt before. “It was late, that’s the best you can come up with!?” I continued to attack, “I had to go to the wrong hospital, think my mother had died, and then I find her like this!?” I couldn’t fathom what my father had done. “Did you actually think this would be a better way for me to find her, why didn’t you call me first thing in the morning?” The onslaught of questions I had left my father speechless. Lastly I looked him square in the eye and said, “Just to be clear, when it comes to my mother’s life, I don’t care what time it is or where you are, you notify me immediately, are we clear?” He may have apologized, but to this day I have no recollection of it. My father told me that we should go check on my mother because he only had a few minutes before he had to leave to play tennis!? I spared him my next rant but I honestly could not believe that there lay his wife, and the mother of his children, hanging on by a thread, and he was going to play tennis. What world was this, who would behave like this, I was baffled and losing my mind. Together, my father and I made our way to my mother’s bed and she was barely conscious. I stood by the foot of her bed and I placed my hand on her ankle as I was preparing to come closer. My mother raised her hand at me and it was clear she was not waving hello. I knew it had a couple of meanings; firstly, it meant stop, don’t come any closer, I won’t let you see me like this, and secondly it meant I love you and goodbye! I then stood there frozen in time as she motioned for my father to come close. She reached for his hand and just gazed in his eye’s for what seemed like an eternity. My father was completely oblivious, and when I recounted this event for him in later years he had zero recollection, but my mother was saying good-bye. With that my father and I left and went our separate ways, It was the last time either of us would see her alive with the exception of a few minutes on the respirator before she passed away later the next day. As we would find out later that week, my aunt was actually the last person to speak to her and even when things were looking very grim and my mother had no chance of recovery, my aunt told her it was okay to “let go”. My mother actually refused and told her and the doctors that if she lost consciousness she wanted to be intubated, which simply meant she wanted to go on a respirator to help her breathe. What a woman, she was a fighter to the very end! The day my mother was pronounced dead I remember sitting in her room with her lifeless body as it is Jewish tradition to remain with the body until it is time for her to be moved to the funeral home. My father and brother were there too and it felt like we were 2 separate groups mourning the same mother and wife. Both of them stood on one side of her body grieving and consoling each other while I stood crying by myself on the other. At one point they put their arms around me and we gave my mother one last group hug. For me it felt like charity and at that very moment I knew I was all alone. The one person who never judged me and always supported me was gone, I felt empty, and a part of me died that day, Aug. 13/2006. About a week or two before my mother passed away I was sitting with her in the hospital and I started writing what would be my final song. As I returned home the night she died, I immediately finished writing the song and I recorded it that same night. I put my pen down that day and I haven’t written another song since.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Excerpt #2 from "A Mother's Love; The Visits That Saved My Life
This section of the book is from pages 85-86 and it describes the first time I shared with my father premonitions I had about my mother.
In my case things seemed even bleaker, what are the odds or what would the ratio be, of people getting out of a life of crime, being surrounded by doubters and haters and still making it to where I wanted to be, where I believed I was born to be? Fortunately for me, I was making enough money to pay my father rent, and hire an immigration lawyer to help get me back to L.A. One of the plans we devised was to get a student visa, thus leading to a much easier path to the USA. My father as usual was not supportive of my goals, and definitely not of my aspirations to return to L.A., but I was convinced my destiny was connected, and therefore I was going and that was that! My father told me I had to turn over all my money to pay for Acting School, the lawyer, and other expenses, so I agreed. In return, he would give me a bank card to use while I was back in L.A., an account that I suspect was the surplus from my car sale earlier that year. As everything was slowly progressing, it was almost a year until I could attempt to go back to L.A. Just before my 21st birthday that year, my father and I were arguing about the money from the sale of the car; he was telling me he would hold onto it for safe keeping, and that technically it wasn’t my money. The argument got extremely heated and I yelled, “You never support my dreams, you never think I’m going to fulfil my goals, and then you withhold my money making it impossible for me to obtain them!” My father replied with, “Maybe as soon as you give up some of your ridiculous dreams, and focus on something more secure, then we won’t have so many issues!” I was extremely angry, and I let my hurt and frustrations get the best of me. “Why is it so hard for you to believe that this is my destiny, why must you always stand in my way as opposed to being my biggest supporter!?” He all but laughed at me and said, “You see nothing, what are you smoking these days, there’s no such thing as psychic powers, or seeing the future, stop being such a child, you sound very stupid when you say things like that!” I had enough, I couldn’t stand him anymore, “Oh, yeah, I can’t see anything, we will see, how about this one, within the next few months you will find out mom has cancer, and she will die before she’s 60!” The words hadn’t even left my mouth by the time I realized the gravity of what I just said! My father looked at me with a hatred I had never seen before, and he lashed out at me, “You are crazy, you’re nuts that must be it, I don’t ever want to hear another word about any of this bullshit ever again!” With that he stormed away, and our relationship had been severely damaged! Almost immediately I had wished for that moment back, I severely crossed the line. Even if they all doubted me, and even if I allowed their doubt to affect my belief, I still had no business sharing that information with my father. I swore I’d never use my abilities to cause pain ever again, and to be truthful, at that point I secretly wished I had no abilities at all. I prayed to wake up feeling normal on a daily basis, I didn’t want to feel special or chosen anymore, and I wanted to feel that whatever I did I would be happy doing it and this burning passion inside would just flicker out.
In my case things seemed even bleaker, what are the odds or what would the ratio be, of people getting out of a life of crime, being surrounded by doubters and haters and still making it to where I wanted to be, where I believed I was born to be? Fortunately for me, I was making enough money to pay my father rent, and hire an immigration lawyer to help get me back to L.A. One of the plans we devised was to get a student visa, thus leading to a much easier path to the USA. My father as usual was not supportive of my goals, and definitely not of my aspirations to return to L.A., but I was convinced my destiny was connected, and therefore I was going and that was that! My father told me I had to turn over all my money to pay for Acting School, the lawyer, and other expenses, so I agreed. In return, he would give me a bank card to use while I was back in L.A., an account that I suspect was the surplus from my car sale earlier that year. As everything was slowly progressing, it was almost a year until I could attempt to go back to L.A. Just before my 21st birthday that year, my father and I were arguing about the money from the sale of the car; he was telling me he would hold onto it for safe keeping, and that technically it wasn’t my money. The argument got extremely heated and I yelled, “You never support my dreams, you never think I’m going to fulfil my goals, and then you withhold my money making it impossible for me to obtain them!” My father replied with, “Maybe as soon as you give up some of your ridiculous dreams, and focus on something more secure, then we won’t have so many issues!” I was extremely angry, and I let my hurt and frustrations get the best of me. “Why is it so hard for you to believe that this is my destiny, why must you always stand in my way as opposed to being my biggest supporter!?” He all but laughed at me and said, “You see nothing, what are you smoking these days, there’s no such thing as psychic powers, or seeing the future, stop being such a child, you sound very stupid when you say things like that!” I had enough, I couldn’t stand him anymore, “Oh, yeah, I can’t see anything, we will see, how about this one, within the next few months you will find out mom has cancer, and she will die before she’s 60!” The words hadn’t even left my mouth by the time I realized the gravity of what I just said! My father looked at me with a hatred I had never seen before, and he lashed out at me, “You are crazy, you’re nuts that must be it, I don’t ever want to hear another word about any of this bullshit ever again!” With that he stormed away, and our relationship had been severely damaged! Almost immediately I had wished for that moment back, I severely crossed the line. Even if they all doubted me, and even if I allowed their doubt to affect my belief, I still had no business sharing that information with my father. I swore I’d never use my abilities to cause pain ever again, and to be truthful, at that point I secretly wished I had no abilities at all. I prayed to wake up feeling normal on a daily basis, I didn’t want to feel special or chosen anymore, and I wanted to feel that whatever I did I would be happy doing it and this burning passion inside would just flicker out.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Recent Visits
I wanted to share a very recent event that has once again filled me with a sense of joy and confusion all at once. About 8 days ago a family friend passed away from Cancer, and it was all too familiar. Yesterday evening I was planning to head to Toronto with my father and he informed me we would be stopping at his friend Brenda's house to pay our respects to the widow. I had only met Brenda a handful of times, but I felt comfortable going so I agreed. That night before I fell asleep, Brenda's husband visited me and asked me to be sure that I conveyed his message to my father, so that he could inform Brenda. Derek told me that he wanted Brenda to know that he was very sorry for leaving her, that he had never planned or wanted to leave her alone, and that he loved her and missed her very much but he was fine, and everything would be fine for her. The last thing he told me was to let her know that he's always around, and that he wanted her to be happy. I was extremely taken back, but I certainly knew I would be getting that message to Brenda. Today, as I went to meet my father, I thought about the night before. When I told my dad what happened, he agreed to tell her. When we arrived at Brenda's house, a very frail, and pale sweet lady, answered the door. She honestly looked as if life had been sucked right out of her. After a few minutes I decided it would hold more weight if I told Brenda. I gently asked her if she didn't mind me sharing some information. After I explained my own experiences with my mother's passing and the subsequent visits, I went in to what Derek told me. A transformation occurred! I saw joy fill her heart and soul, the colour rushed back to her face, and she instantly lit up! She obviously was brought to tears, but it was clear they were tears of joy. It felt amazing being able to give her even a little bit of peace, and it's an experience I would like to have over and over again. She asked me a few other questions, and she even asked me to repeat 3 times everything Derek had told me. As she walked us out it was clear that I had changed her day, and for this I am eternally grateful. Brenda asked me to keep my "antennas" up, and if there was any other visits, she would love to hear about them. While we made our way to the car, Brenda shouted, "Thank you Josh, you made my day, keep doing what you do!" Hopefully I can continue this kind of work for as long as possible!
Mother's Day Special, an excerpt from my upcoming Book, "A Mother's Love; The visits that saved my life
This is a section from my upcoming book, Pages 71-73.
So off I went with the police, and I was processed, booked, and placed in a cell. This was not a fun, Hollywood experience; this was one of the scariest moments of my young life. I was ushered into the “phone call cell” whereas opposed to the movies, I didn’t get one phone call, I had a certain amount of time, (I believe it was 10 minutes), to make as many calls as I could. First I called the guy who set me up and I told him he had better make whatever phone calls necessary in order to get me out of there or he might just meet a few of my friends. Obviously I worded it in a way that whoever was listening in to my calls would not be alarmed. Secondly, I called my father, and after I explained what happened, it appeared to me that he was mad that I had called at such a late hour and disturbed him. I wasn’t allowed to speak to my mom, and he told me everything will work out, and if not I should call him back tomorrow!? I honestly think I lost a part of me at that moment. There I was a fresh faced, barely 19 year old kid, sitting in a cell in Los Angeles with nobody to call but my street friends! I felt extremely alone and isolated, but I remember telling myself that as long as I’m still breathing, I’ll be fine! It's very surreal being locked up, I felt like a caged animal on display! No matter how loud or long you yelled, nobody cared or came to see what was wrong, in fact what I received in response was "shut your mouth or I'll give you something to scream about"!! Usually if you were truly unruly, the on duty officers would place a more hardened criminal in your cell to help calm you down! It's kind of like letting a pit-bull off its chain just before a dog fight! All the dog cares about is destroying his opposition and foolishly trying to please his master! In this case, the officers were the masters, and they would trade favours and privileges with their "pit-bull" after a job well done! In my opinion, and I’m not saying it’s all Police Officers, but the majority of the ones my crew or I have had run-ins with, the only difference between them and us is a badge that says they are allowed to carry weapons and use as much force (including lethal) as is necessary, and it’s the officers who typically decide whether or not to abuse this. I lay on my bunk and sat awake all night thinking about my mom, and all the things she’d ever told me! How could someone so special and destined be here, sitting in this cell? Why was everything so difficult for me? I closed my eyes for a second and tried to relax. It was then I heard my mother’s voice without her presence for the first time!! It was so real; I thought I was losing my mind! My mother told me “The road to success is never an easy one, and the one thing you must learn in order to get there is you have to know what it’s like to feel completely alone”! She continued, “You have to be able to depend on you and you alone, and once you figure that out, you’ll see how many people will be there to help”! “Just remember what I’ve always told you, you are destined for greatness, but I never said it would be easy, and I never said it would happen quickly”! I felt a calm come over me like never before, and even though I was shaking my head, asking myself what on earth she was trying to say to me, I knew then like I’ve always known, even when things get tough, everything will work out. My mantra and answer to whenever someone would ask me how I was doing were one in the same, “Still breathing”! I felt as long as I was still breathing I always had a chance, and until someone took that away, I was going to reach my destiny no matter what it took. The hardest part was other than knowing I would make an impact on the world, and be successful, I had no idea what my destiny was. I didn’t sleep that night, but I felt extremely relaxed, almost like I was in meditation or something similar.
So off I went with the police, and I was processed, booked, and placed in a cell. This was not a fun, Hollywood experience; this was one of the scariest moments of my young life. I was ushered into the “phone call cell” whereas opposed to the movies, I didn’t get one phone call, I had a certain amount of time, (I believe it was 10 minutes), to make as many calls as I could. First I called the guy who set me up and I told him he had better make whatever phone calls necessary in order to get me out of there or he might just meet a few of my friends. Obviously I worded it in a way that whoever was listening in to my calls would not be alarmed. Secondly, I called my father, and after I explained what happened, it appeared to me that he was mad that I had called at such a late hour and disturbed him. I wasn’t allowed to speak to my mom, and he told me everything will work out, and if not I should call him back tomorrow!? I honestly think I lost a part of me at that moment. There I was a fresh faced, barely 19 year old kid, sitting in a cell in Los Angeles with nobody to call but my street friends! I felt extremely alone and isolated, but I remember telling myself that as long as I’m still breathing, I’ll be fine! It's very surreal being locked up, I felt like a caged animal on display! No matter how loud or long you yelled, nobody cared or came to see what was wrong, in fact what I received in response was "shut your mouth or I'll give you something to scream about"!! Usually if you were truly unruly, the on duty officers would place a more hardened criminal in your cell to help calm you down! It's kind of like letting a pit-bull off its chain just before a dog fight! All the dog cares about is destroying his opposition and foolishly trying to please his master! In this case, the officers were the masters, and they would trade favours and privileges with their "pit-bull" after a job well done! In my opinion, and I’m not saying it’s all Police Officers, but the majority of the ones my crew or I have had run-ins with, the only difference between them and us is a badge that says they are allowed to carry weapons and use as much force (including lethal) as is necessary, and it’s the officers who typically decide whether or not to abuse this. I lay on my bunk and sat awake all night thinking about my mom, and all the things she’d ever told me! How could someone so special and destined be here, sitting in this cell? Why was everything so difficult for me? I closed my eyes for a second and tried to relax. It was then I heard my mother’s voice without her presence for the first time!! It was so real; I thought I was losing my mind! My mother told me “The road to success is never an easy one, and the one thing you must learn in order to get there is you have to know what it’s like to feel completely alone”! She continued, “You have to be able to depend on you and you alone, and once you figure that out, you’ll see how many people will be there to help”! “Just remember what I’ve always told you, you are destined for greatness, but I never said it would be easy, and I never said it would happen quickly”! I felt a calm come over me like never before, and even though I was shaking my head, asking myself what on earth she was trying to say to me, I knew then like I’ve always known, even when things get tough, everything will work out. My mantra and answer to whenever someone would ask me how I was doing were one in the same, “Still breathing”! I felt as long as I was still breathing I always had a chance, and until someone took that away, I was going to reach my destiny no matter what it took. The hardest part was other than knowing I would make an impact on the world, and be successful, I had no idea what my destiny was. I didn’t sleep that night, but I felt extremely relaxed, almost like I was in meditation or something similar.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
What's really "out there"??
Do you ever feel like "someone" or "something" is trying to tell you something? A life lesson perhaps, the right decision to make, help with a specific plan?? Some call it sub-conscious, some call it your "spirit guide", me, I'm somewhere in the middle. I am not a fan of being in the middle, in fact, I truly believe there should be black or white, no grey. But I know that I have had many premonitions in my life that have all come true over the years, and I know without a doubt that it felt as if something from out of our realm, was trying to share the thoughts or visions I was experiencing. After my mother passed away, I felt these things more often and with greater clarity. I also attributed these "visits", where I would receive warnings, or directions, which I have written down over the years for future evidence more so for my family than me, and the most intense part of a visit would be a full on "viewing" of events that are surely to unfold at some time in the future, to her. I believed my mother was "talking" to me, and guiding me. I would write down the events and instructions that took place at most of these "visits", and as they came true, I would tick them off as if they were items on my grocery list. I have shared many of them in my new book, "A Mothers Love; The visits that saved my life." I am just in the editing process and I am trying to secure a publishing deal before I go at it myself! I'd love to hear about any one's experiences such as the ones I have described. Stay tuned and enjoy your Sunday!
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