Break time

I wanted to wish everyone a happy end of summer and Labour day weekend. I have enjoyed my short family vacation with several birthdays and many cottage visits. Thanks to all for the fun. I will be back to full time writing and working after the weekend!

Enjoy everyone, spend some time with people you care about before another school and work year begin!

Exercises and Methods

On the heels of my last few blog posts I had one response from a close friend that stood out from the rest.  He pointed out that he thinks what we are trying to do is a great thing, and he truly believes/supports the idea that communication, and sharing is a very good start.  He wanted to know for the ones who are now adults themselves, how do you put on a happy face everyday, or try to see the positive when its just so hard sometimes.  When you carry with you some of these horrible nightmares or pain you have dealt with, how do you keep going.  For me unfortunately there is no simple answer. 

I think the first step is definitely not expecting that its possible to wake up everyday and feel positive and motivated, etc.  We are human, not robots, we will always have off days.  If at first we acknowledge the possibility of off days, that is a huge first step.  It does not make anyone abnormal or weak to have a day where it is difficult to get going.  That is the problem, we have been programmed to believe that flaws, mistakes, and imperfections, equates to there is something wrong with you. 

Secondly I know it sounds simple and most just shrug it off, but taking 5 minutes and trying to meditate or some deep heavy breathing, preferably in a dark and quiet room, can help re focus your thoughts.  Most importantly I found for me, as soon as I began being true to myself, and focused on improving me by taking the responsibility for every situation I encountered and trying not to blame, I began freeing myself from daily struggles.  When you are focused on being a better person, and letting your demons out, you will begin to feel some freedom as well.  If we have skeletons, or we are living a lie, or even partial truths, eventually it will take its toll.  The worse or more skeletons you have, the harder it may be, but when you allow yourself to not be controlled by the fear of being judged, it can do wonders.

I also would encourage anyone who is looking for answers, solutions, or methods, to prepare a list.  On this list you should write who you want to be, what you want to accomplish, and how you want to do it.  If you follow these steps for any situation, it definitely couldn't hurt to try, right??  If you literally carry this with you everyday, I keep mine on my iPhone and a copy at home, when you are feeling down, take out your list and hopefully on there it reminds you to stay positive, stay focused, you have a plan and plans take time, don't let others determine your mood, and so on.  I promise you just looking at your list will make it easier to get going on those downer days.

Lastly I would like to remind you of what I have been preaching from the very beginning, If you are having one of those days where you don't want to get out of bed, or you just feel like crying or putting your fist through a wall, talk about it!!!  Call a friend you trust, reach out to a family member you can confide in, join a group, and if all else fails, find a stranger and just vent.  Clearly you'd never care what a random stranger who you've never met would think of you, or would you?  This is what I am trying to accomplish with the book, my website, my future relationship with Y.A.Y aka Youth Assisting Youth, I am trying to encourage communication and prevention.  If you are alone or have feelings of isolation then you are in a dark place.  If you are between the age of 8-25 and you have these feelings the magnitude is far greater, but there is plenty of help and you're anything but alone.  I encourage you to contact me through my email at joshua@joshuastern.ca, or through the blog, and I would be happy to chat, or encourage you when you are feeling down.  Eventually I would like to have a forum or chat room where we can come and share 24/7, that would be a great start.  

Please share any other methods you may have found that worked when you were having an off day! 

Topic for Discussion part 2

After some of the comments and an overwhelming response on a personal level, I wanted to start by thanking everyone for contributing and supporting what I think is a very important subject.  I also wanted to agree with the majority and explain that when I asked which scenario was worse, it was more so an attempt to get every ones attention, which appears to have worked.  I know there is never a winner in anything negative, but I just wanted to show 3 different scenarios, how these individuals feel now, and how society views the scenario's differently.  As I stated, I found it interesting that all 3 participants agreed that the kid coming from money gets almost zero attention or understanding from society because unfortunately the majority believe money is the end all be all, and if you have it there should be no explanation for this kind of behaviour. Guess what, bad people can make lots of money too! 

We can all get lost sometimes, and we can all make mistakes, the most important part of my message is that we should try harder to prevent these scenario's from happening, and at such an alarming rate.  There is no rule book that says you can't make many mistakes, it's all about what we do once we've realized that we made one.  Learning from a mistake is one of the best parts of life, and its one of the most important aspects of growth.  What I am trying to say is we shouldn't write so many people off, and so quickly, especially not children!  Some people take longer than others to develop, it doesn't make them rejects.  A little more understanding and patience could take us a long way.

Topic for Debate

Recently a couple of friends, a psychological professional, and me, have been debating a certain topic and I was hoping that we could get even more feedback if I blogged about it. As usual I am asking for your comments and thoughts on this subject because the more people that talk about it, the more chance we have to resolve it. The topic we have been debating is as follows: if you took 3 children and they were raised in 3 different environments, which would be the worst, have the most negative outcome, which do we as a society ignore the most/have the most empathy for, or would there be no difference?

 The first child is raised by two parents, but for the most part there is zero communication, and the child feels desperate and alone. The second child is raised by a single parent who literally doesn't have the time, energy or resources to properly care for and raise the child, so naturally the child grows up alone, confused, and probably has to fend for themselves. Lastly, the third child is raised in a 2 parent household, but predominantly by the father, and the father, who is quite successful, as opposed to ignoring the child, belittles him instead, mocks him, puts him down and tells him things such as you'll never amount to anything, or you're worthless. 

Now that you have had a chance to briefly understand these scenarios, which happen to be just a few of many, what is your opinion?  Who has a better chance at overcoming their individual situation? Should one of those kids feel worse than the other, would one have less self esteem than the other?  

Some of the points made were along the lines of:

The child who was completely ignored, yet had both parents around, often felt confused and unsure of what his parents actually thought of him.  When talking to an adult who was raised in this scenario, he mentioned how difficult it was for him to understand if they liked him, hated him, or just didn't care.  He summed it up best by saying, "I literally grew up, and I still ask myself this question, wondering why my parents had me, what was the point, and I must have been an accident"!  This individual specifically commented on how he second guesses many aspects of life, and has a hard time opening up to people, and trusting or confiding in them.  As he grew on his own he got involved with the wrong crowd, experimented with drugs and alcohol, and crime followed shortly.  It took many years of struggles before he was able to identify the loneliness and desperation he felt while growing up, which in turn led to many negative outlets.  He is a strong advocate for communication, and he is adamant that if he had the proper outlets when he was younger, many problems probably could have been avoided.

For our second test subject we had an individual who was raised in a single parent home, with no father. He first expressed sorrow and remorse for his mother, and almost accepted all the aspects of his life because of the bad hand she had been dealt.  His mother worked 2 jobs to make ends meet, and she was basically not around to raise him.  Obviously she also did not have enough money to provide after school care or programs.  This individual spoke largely about the pain he felt inside that was clearly written on his mothers face.  He felt desperate, and he wished he could make it better for her, but he felt like he didn't have the tools.  He talked about having no positive role models, and slowly but surely he started hanging around other single parent or unsupervised kids, and one thing led to another.  An older dealer from the neighborhood took him under his wing, told him if he sold some product he'd be able to help his mother and family, and the rest is history.  He engaged in a life of street crime because it was all he was ever taught.  Nobody was around to teach him anything different.  For years he walked through life as a criminal and majorly hurting individual.  Finally he wanted to stop, and he decided talking about it was the best way.  As he sums it up, "I felt like it was my mom and me against the world, nobody helped us, nobody cared, and many people knew what we were going through, it's not like we are the only ones!"  He has a lot of pent up anger and hurt, mostly because when he was a child he couldn't properly analyze his feelings, and basically we have no clue at that age.  The part that struck me the most was when he described the feeling of how if someone saw him at 13 selling drugs, which was when he started, they would probably discipline him, but also they would teach him why it was wrong, and how it would negatively impact his whole life.  Yet if they saw him again at 19, he would be just a statistic, another criminal that the world wants to lock away, instead of helping him get the resources or the help he needed.

The third individual, who was raised in a fairly normal environment and coming from a successful family, was the victim of failing to live up to his families expectations.  As he describes it, his father had big ideas for his son and they didn't match with his personal ideas.  As soon as this was apparent his father and extended family would mock him and tease him repeatedly.  His father especially would tell him he would never amount to anything, he was worthless, and he would ask him if he wanted the whole world to think he was stupid.  He said it was like he was an embarrassment to the family and especially his father.  "Eventually around 12 or 13, my father just ignored me completely.  For the better part of 3 years prior to that he had no idea what I was doing majority of the time, I only remember dealing with my father on vacations and when I got in trouble."  He also talked about running away several times, or trying to, before the age of 15.  "I hated my father because I was certain he hated me, and it crushed me inside!  He would have battles with a 13 year old and I guess he thought a pre-teen could handle adult type fighting, if that makes sense." During one of the stints running away, he was sexually assaulted several times by a family friend who was not much older than him.  He acknowledges now that the idea of staying at a house and being assaulted like that as payment for a bed as being a reasonable trade off to him in order to stay away from his own home, is a very scary thought.  "I must have been in a pretty dark place." 

By 16 he was sent to live in a group home and obviously he did not encounter the best scenario's there.  While being there he met many criminals and deviants, and one of the social workers sexually assaulted him.  I wonder if that alone would be enough to send a kid into a world of despair, hatred, isolation, I don't know?? 

By 19 he was off on his own in Los Angeles and he found all the drama, pain, and crime many could ever deal with including the loss of 2 friends to street violence, an evening or two in county lock up, criminal activities, and the loss of friends to the sex trades and drugs because they were lost souls that weren't as strong as he was, as he described.  All this before the ripe age of 21, what should we expect of this young man, and do you want to lock him up, or do you want to hug him and help him?  He has now written a book on his life, and has dedicated himself to creating more awareness, but most importantly creating prevention, when it comes to dealing with adolescences, pre-teens, teenagers, and young adults who desperately need and want the help.  "Not too many people I ever met on the streets dreamed of being there, it was never as glorious as it looks on TV and in music videos."

In closing, all 3 subjects, who initially each thought they had it the worst, agreed that they all seemed to end up in the same place, even though their beginnings were very different!  Do you know anybody that falls into one of these categories?  What are your thoughts and opinions.  Please continue to share because I truly believe that communication is the first, and biggest step we can take.  By the way, in case you hadn't figured it out yet, the 3rd subject is me!

Depression

What is depression?  The Canadian Mental Health Association describes it like this on the front page of their website:

"Problems and misfortunes are a part of life. Everyone experiences unhappiness, and many people may become depressed temporarily when things don't go as they would like. Experiences of failure commonly result in temporary feelings of worthlessness and self-blame, while personal losses cause feelings of sadness, disappointment and emptiness. Such feelings are normal, and they usually pass after a short time. This is not the case with depressive illness."

They go on to add this:

"Depression becomes an illness, or clinical depression, when the feelings described above are severe, last for several weeks, and begin to interfere with one's work and social life. Depressive illness can change the way a person thinks and behaves, and how his/her body functions."

This is where my issue begins.  I don't understand why it is that because an individual takes longer than another individual to get over/deal with, the same tragic event, that makes them depressed.  What are we doing when we do this?  We are labelling someone.  The moment we label someone we hand them this stigma that says, "Hey, there is something wrong with you"!  Who in there right minds are going to come forward and share that they have feelings such as the ones depression describes if they know the result is going to be that you are labeled, maybe prescribed a drug of some sort to help, and then people treat you and react to you differently.  Doesn't sound like anything I would want to do.  What if you had several tragedies take place in your life, wouldn't long term symptoms of depression probably follow you for life?  Does this mean there is something wrong with you?  No, it doesn't, but in our society today, when we talk about depression, it's a negative which denotes there is something wrong with you!  I have news for you, BULLSHIT!!  If this is the case, everyone in the world would be suffering from depression, and we should all be prescribed some sort of pill to make it easier.  The problem to me is simple, we are a society and a generation that is controlled by fear.  The moment you allow fear to take over, you are susceptible to all things negative such as anger, rage, lack of respect, lack of energy, etc.  Fear makes it so we don't want to do things and fear makes it so we live a sheltered life and hope to box ourselves in from the realities of the world.  If you are part of this world, and you try to ignore what's going on in and around your world, or you try to create your own world, wouldn't that be the first sign of depression!?  Do you want to know what I believe the cure to depression is??  It's COMMUNICATION!  I know, sounds crazy, but think about it, if we start communicating with kids from a young age, then they in turn gain the ability to learn and process at a very early stage.  When we can process that hurt, fear, anger, frustration, and despair are all facets of life, and facets that occur a lot more readily then joy, excitement, happiness, and jubilation, then maybe we will be better prepared to deal with those emotions when they greet us so often!  In my case specifically, from a very young age, and we are talking about the age of 4, I have had to deal with many of the harsh realities of life, leading up to the death of my mother almost 5 years ago just a few months after her 56th birthday.  I feel like I had this life and these experiences from such a young age in order to prepare me for my adult years.  I would not be as confident as I am today if it wasn't for dealing with and overcoming tragedies.  Guess what, I still have some of those negative feelings, but it doesn't mean I'm depressed, nor do I let it get me to the point that any emotion has that much control over me.  Imagine if someone said you have a disease, everything makes you happy?!?!  You must have delusions of grandeur or something, but you are definitely delusional.  That is the crazy part to me, no emotion, such as fear, joy, hurt, anger, etc. should be able to consume you, if they do, that is the problem.  It also happens to be a problem we are more than capable of solving, and it doesn't include drugs.  Since I was in Grade 2 there has been some teacher, principal, coach, and even specialists who have tried to put me on drugs.  Thank god for my parents, my family physician, and a couple of psychiatrists on the other side of the fence, I was never given any pills to help.  Many people might add that if I had been given pills, then maybe I would have avoided all the years of pain and frustration I experienced, maybe, but then I wouldn't have been living!!  Think about that for a second, when you take a pill such as Ritalin or its friend's, you are essentially saying "I can't handle life".  I need something to make it easier to cope.  I challenge that many children who could potentially end up as depressed adults, if we had programs and people in place to communicate with these individuals constantly and consistently, we would drastically reduce the number of adult depression patients.  If a child doesn't feel safe, or isn't encouraged to share their feelings and their thoughts, without fear of how people will judge them, then how are they not going to end up alone and afraid and consumed by their thoughts?  Then by the time they become teens or young adults, they have learned how to hide it and deal with it so well because they don't want to be labelled a freak.  If it becomes too much for that individual then tragedy strikes in many ways, and we are left to pick up the pieces.  Then in turn it becomes us who needs to label that individual with something in order for us to be able to cope.  Once again we have made it about us, instead of the victim.  We never get the opportunity to hear directly from the victims, only the people that are left in the wake.  We all know someone who took anti depressants, and none of us would ever choose to be like those people, zombies!  What leads to alcohol and drug abuse, the exact same thing that leads people to Ritalin or prescribed drugs!?  What do they do, the same things, they numb the pain!!!  I would really like to see a change, and I am going to continue to fight for a change, but a society of numbed people is definitely not a world I want to be a part of.  I ask you all to think about it and comment about it, how many times have you felt depressed, how many of you have held on to the death of a loved one longer then a "professional" deems fit!?  Did you immediately want to take a pill, or maybe you could look at it as another part of life, and with all the good comes bad too.  Take a look around you, how could we have life, and this amazing earth to live on, and all other positively amazing things about our existence without some bad??  Remember this is EARTH, not HEAVEN!!  We can overcome fear just like we overcame apartheid, slavery, the holocaust, and other such atrocities.  We have the ability to say, I don't need a pill, I'm ready to face whatever this world can dish at me, and when I feel weak, I am going to talk to the people that care about me, and they are going to make me feel better about it because they will tell me we all have feelings like this sometimes, but it's ok everything will work out and most importantly, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Could you imagine that world!?

For those Who continue to struggle

I thought it was time that I spoke to the people who still struggle, for those who still turn to drugs, alcohol, self abuse, self mutilation, and any other crutch in order to survive.  It must have been around the time I was 13, and I remember being caught by security guards and police for stealing at a local Sears.  I had mostly gotten away with it, and my best friend at the time took the major fall, and never turned me in.  I remember when he walked over to my house, and hung his head in complete embarrassment and shame as he was forced to come to my house and apologize to my father for getting me involved in such activities.  It made no difference, my father knew I was involved, and nothing anyone could have said would have changed his mind.  To my father, me and my best friend were no longer his "boys".  From doing everything together, it was as if he had turned his back on the both of us.  We weren't even 13, and we get written off, do we not get an opportunity to  redeem ourselves??  Are mistakes not human, especially for children?? Shortly afterwards my friend and his family moved away, and I was all alone.  I had nobody.  My father looked at me with a pain and disgust in his eyes and I could feel it every time he looked my way.  He would just shake his head in disappointment and walk away.  I was no longer special, in fact, I felt like a nuisance more than anything, now I was a burden and an embarrassment to my father and family.  Sadly, my brother revelled in it because for the first time in many years, he had his spotlight back, and it was all to himself.  Instead of reaching out to me and helping me up, he would continue to push me down so that he would shine, and I would look like a science experiment gone wrong.  Eventually I turned to alcohol and drugs, and it took me over 20 years to understand why.  Once I knew why, then I was able to turn it around.  Drugs and alcohol became my support team.  When I was scared, hurt, alone, I would turn to drugs or booze, and that would make me feel better.  Actually it would make me feel almost nothing, which I guess was the goal.  Unfortunately you quickly begin to lose yourself as you continue to try to numb yourself.  You don't even realize what's happening because your brain just creates this alternative reality where everything is fine as long as you can get your fix.  As the years roll by it became increasingly more difficult to even know who the real me was.  I left him back when I was 13 and I created a totally different future for myself the minute I did.  The drugs and alcohol gave me confidence and no conscious.  I was angry and I didn't know why.  After all these years I realize now that I created a problem that I now have to deal with for the rest of my life in one face or another.  Now that I have recovered, I still wonder everyday if it's me making decisions, or the version of me I created back when I was 13?  I still want to turn to drugs or alcohol every now and again, because it's easy, and it was a huge part of my development stage.  This is precisely why I am fighting as hard as I can to make a change and to help others.  If I had just one person who had reached out and put an arm around me and told me that they understood what I was going through and they were there to help, I think it would have made an enormous difference.  Instead of what we all do as a society.  We try for a bit, and then we typically write things off, and move on.  This is never the attitude we should have with people, and definitely not children.  That is why I want to reach out to all the people who struggle, and especially the kids who are just starting to enter that dangerous period in their lives, that there has to be a better way.  Enough with worrying what others will think of you.  Be honest, and talk to someone, anyone about the issues you face.  If you can find some comfort in sharing, and you can see that you are NOT alone, you may not need to turn to drugs, alcohol, or whatever else to feel better.  My best friend who left shortly after that stealing incident, I realize now we kept each other safe, confident, and protected.  We encouraged each other, and instead of people looking at what we had done as mischief, or just not knowing any better, they immediately were consumed by fear, and all they could think about was that this incident had to be the beginning of bigger and badder things to come!?  But why??  It completely back fired, when we were separated, we no longer had the luxury of comforting each other, continuing to encourage each other to do things we didn't think we could, and so on.  Oddly enough over the next 20 years we pretty much lived the same lives only separately.  We have now reunited, and it has been incredible.  I feel safe, and comfortable, and I have had someone I could tell anything to again, and he never judges me, only tries to help.  This is what we all need instead of drugs and all that crap.  We need to find a safe place, and a safe person, and above all else, NEVER KEEP ANYTHING INSIDE!!!  Share how you feel, share what scares you, and anyone who makes you feel bad or any other negative reaction, realize it's not about you, it's about them.  Move on, and find someone else.  If you tell someone something they cannot fathom, odds are you will never get the response or reaction you are hoping for.  People react mostly out of fear these days, and that is why they are negative.  If you can't find anyone else to talk to, contact me, and Ill be there.  If everyone took more time to try and be available for others, or encourage people to share more often, maybe we could reduce some of these problems before it's too late.  I'm positive that if you looked at a picture of an innocent 12 year old, and you knew within a year or two this kid was going to take a major turn for the worse, and end up like a photograph of a 35 year old homeless drug addict or prisoner, you would do everything you could to prevent it.  I believe if we take the initiative to understand how quickly someone can fall through the cracks, we would all do more!!