I wanted to put a special section of my new book entitled "At-Risk Youth; Awareness, Prevention, Change". I am hoping to illicit several comments and thought provoking topics for discussion. I believe in order to initiate change you have to be prepared to go against some common practices and ideals in order to try new ones.
Please let me know what you think!
Causes & Indicators of Being At-Risk
As opposed to outlining what we believe to be typical teenage behaviour, we wanted to outline several of the “signs” via actual examples and hopefully that will help shed light on how and why they are important to keep an eye on. We already have our large list of “warning signs” that we highlighted in the first section, so we chose an alternate tool, which we believe, is a far more meaningful method for expanding awareness. As I said earlier, if we can accept that especially during these times with media, television, radio, Internet, and of course social media being what they are, most kids these days are all at-risk, than already we have begun to turn the tides.
It’s up to us as parents, our community, teachers and educators, and friends and family, to provide positive experiences and support for our kids. Above all else we must communicate frequently, and ensure that we never make light of anything they share. We should encourage their participation at any level, and let them know that we have all been there before. Making a youth feel different or special is one of the hardest obstacles for them to overcome, but making them understand why they are different or special is a much more manageable exercise.
I’d like to begin by sharing a story about a family I know. The mother is a very successful lawyer, the father stays home, and they have a live-in nanny. They live in a million dollar home in a great neighbourhood, drive expensive cars, and well you get the picture. They have two sons aged 9 and 7, and the 7 year old is already showing signs of anxiety. I’m not saying there aren’t situations where a young child could justly be anxious, but given the description of this family, you wouldn’t typically hear about them when it comes to at-risk children. Regardless, they have a son who vomits on the regular due to nervousness and stress, loses sleep regularly, is extremely afraid, he takes everything to heart, and he has seen several stomach specialists already. Does it mean that he is different, or mentally ill? I don’t believe so, but many people already want to have a slew of tests done, they have mentioned the possibility of medication, and the whispers of “what is wrong” with him, have already surfaced. The main reason it has even got this far is because the parents are not ready to accept responsibility. When I talked with the parents they both tried to blow it off as normal childhood behaviour, and they were completely oblivious to the possibility that they could be partially to blame. It’s not like many families have a fighting chance these days. The mother works a lot and isn’t around enough, the father himself is a little neurotic, and it seems to be rubbing off on the son. As a couple they don’t get along that well and they both acknowledged not always speaking to and treating each other with respect. The son told me that he is often brushed aside and his feelings are not validated. This is what we need to avoid because it can lead to isolation. If it’s difficult enough for us as adults to figure out who we are and what we are doing, imagine what it must be like for today’s youth.
The images and stories that our children are exposed to via the media on a regular basis are almost comparable to the adult military experiments done on soldiers with LSD attempting to create a super soldier. Think about that for a moment, today’s youth are taking in such intense images of violence, sex, death, crime, etc., that it is the same as giving an adult the most powerful hallucinogenic and forcing them to watch extreme images in order to desensitize them! Is that what we are aiming for, a society of desensitized youth? Well guess what, we are already there and it’s a very disturbing scene.
A lack of communication is all that has to take place for a child to become at-risk. It’s that simple. We would naturally tend to believe that a single parent family with low income would lead to at-risk children. While it is definitely a contributing factor, it once again comes down to communication, discipline, structure, extended family, etc. and the challenges they face can be offset dramatically when these elements are present. It’s far more convenient for us to believe that lack of money, single parent, and a less than desirable neighbourhood are the reasons behind children struggling, that way any time it happens to the opposite of all those items, it becomes a huge shock to the system. Why else do you think there are so many youths on prescription drugs? Do you think those families that struggle with money can afford to put their kids on such pills? Do you hear about teenagers from those types of families committing suicide over bullying? I’m trying to get us to think outside the box, go beyond the norm, and to not just accept generic solutions for anything or anyone.
Another scenario I’d like to share with you is about a 12 year old boy I recently met. His grades had been declining and he started getting into trouble. It all came to a head when his parents caught him drinking alcohol he had sneaked from their cabinet. His parents were very scared and angered and they were desperate for answers. After a few sessions with a psychiatrist the boy was put on prescription drugs to control his attention deficit disorder. By the time I met him he had been on pills for about 3 months and he was very depressed. He talked about feeling worthless, and like a reject, because he had to be on pills to “live life”. The worst part for him, as he described it, was that he didn’t believe he needed the pills, and his opinion never mattered. A phenomenon he also described as being part of the reason that got him in his grade decline predicament in the first place. He described being uncomfortable at school with his appearance, and other kids were harassing him, but his parents and teachers didn’t seem to care. As he says it, “they told me (his parents) that it was all a normal part of growing up.” That is the problem, however normal we think something is, has absolutely nothing to do with how the individual interprets it. When we behave as if our perception is the only one that matters, we leave that person feeling inadequate or ashamed because we made light of something that was very serious to them.
When we do that with a child, the outcome can be extremely poor. So what is the actual event that led this child to becoming at-risk? Was it the kids that were teasing him at school, was it his insecurity about his appearance, or was it that he was ignored when he tried discussing it, and by the time he took matters into his own hands by drinking alcohol to numb the pain, he was deemed a “troubled youth”? I want to take this scenario one step further. In the media currently there is a huge buzz about bullying, and all the emphasis is being put on the individual committing the “hate crime”, as some celebrities and other media moguls have labelled it, but why aren’t we talking about what that bully must be dealing with that leads to such behaviour!? Should we as a society not be concerned when a 10-16 year old is acting with such blatant disregard for others? Clearly this individual is missing a few of the basics, and what do we want to do with this individual, we want to have them expelled from school and treated like criminals. Do we really believe that will help the situation? If we want change we have to initiate it, and the only way to initiate that change is to at the very least be aware of all the variables. Could you imagine if a Medical Professional attempted to diagnose you without asking about the symptoms, or checking all your vitals? We cannot ignore what is going on in a bully’s life outside of the school setting, which in turn will solve nothing.
The last example I want to share with you about how easy it is for any youth to end up at-risk is actually about a close friend I grew up with. This particular individual is now in his mid 30’s and he’s married with 2 kids of his own. I even asked him recently if he would take part in this book, do public speaking engagements with me, and basically I asked him if he’d be willing to share his story for others. Unfortunately due to the emotional toll his youth took on him; he declined other than to allow me to share his story with no names involved. I only added that last part so that we as a society could accurately understand just how serious growing up at-risk can be, and just how much damage it could cause. My friend minced no words when it came to describing how much of a prisoner he still was to these feelings, and how falling through the cracks during his early teens led to years and years of bad relationships, poor decisions, financial woes, and a life he would never have chosen for anyone to lead. If all of that wasn’t evidence enough, he took his wife and 2 children and moved far away from all the memories he once had.
Getting back to his particular story, he was 11 or 12 years old when his whole world was turned upside down. He came from a successful family and money was definitely not an issue, but unfortunately money can’t solve most problems. His mother had an affair with the father’s best friend and business partner, and when all the dust had settled, my friend and his younger sister stayed with the mother and her new boyfriend, while the father moved out. The new couple was wed quickly and a new child was on the way. To say that my friend, the oldest, was negatively affected by everything would be the understatement of the year. He began acting out in every way imaginable, and the new male role model in his house did not have the patience or love to deal with the challenges his romance had caused. To make matters worse, his father was never a very good role model, he was a workaholic and he believed as long as he provided money and stability that he had done his job. After he moved out, any issue he had with his son he would solve by throwing money at him. By 15 years of age he had been kicked out of school, was abusing drugs & alcohol, and he had began a life of crime. The worst part was he had zero respect for people or money. He grew up believing that his family felt things were best when he was “out of sight, out of mind”. The only time his parents would get involved was when they had to bail him out. By the time this individual was 19 he had been arrested several times, and he headed to California to try his fortunes. Unfortunately he ended up involved in several criminal enterprises, and the worst part he describes is that due to his lack of respect for money and how to earn it properly, when times got tough he was forced into pornography and sexual acts just to keep his head above water. He now takes a few different pills everyday to “get by”, as he describes it, but all in all he is still suffering, still embarrassed, and in my mind, still susceptible to all that plagued him in the past.
I chose to illustrate these three examples for a specific reason. Contrary to popular belief, these specific cases are a lot closer to the current average at-risk youth than the description we seem to be continuously force-fed of a young ethnic person living in squalor with one parent who is strung out on drugs or an alcoholic stripper. My apologies for being blunt, but is that not one of the first thoughts that pop into your mind when thinking of an at-risk youth!?
When specifically looking for causes and early indicators of being at-risk, I would like to propose the following. I attest that if you are a “hands on parent”, and your main focus is to ensure your child is as successful as they can be, then my answer is quite simple. You will most likely notice any changes in your child’s behaviour. Being the father of a young boy, and I’d like to consider myself extremely “hands on”, I would find it almost impossible for me to not notice a change in his demeanour. Whether it’s a change in his mood, aggression, happiness, isolation, eating habits, etc., I would know, and I suggest if you are the same as me, you would too. I’m not trying to point a finger at parents that are extremely short on time, energy, or patience due to issues in their own lives, but what I am saying is that our attitude needs to change when it comes to having and raising children. If we can’t blame ourselves as adults for what happens to our youth, than who else should we blame? If you are going to have a child you must be prepared to do whatever is necessary to help that child traverse through the incredibly tough journey from infant to adult. I truly believe if we as parents, educators, and community, can come together and work as a team, we can significantly reduce this problem.
I’d like to make clear that we believe a child who is, or becomes, at-risk, is the result of a lack of parenting, guidance, nurturing, communication, and support. It’s funny that if you dissect nurturing, guidance, communication, and support, aren’t those just the main components of being a good parent? It is our job and responsibility that even if as parents we become overwhelmed, and at our wits end, we must find alternative resources and groups to assist us. We must never give up, and we must never stop believing that we alone can make the biggest difference in these individuals’ lives.
Please take the time to comment in anyway, it is always valuable to receive feedback, negative or positive.
