So I decided, after much debate and many opinions for both sides, that I had to re-visit the Amanda Todd story and post some of my thoughts and comments, as well as those that came out of my program with Horizons Shelter for Youth this morning. Before I get into this post, I feel like I should start with a disclaimer, and I wanted to include a couple of links for those of you who don't know Amanda Todd.
I would like to just be very clear that nothing that I say in the body of this post has anything to do with, or is a reflection, about how I feel about Amanda Todd taking her own life! I want to be explicitly clear when I say that this is a horrible tragedy and all I feel is sadness! All I feel is immense pain for the parents, the families, the friends and all others who now have to deal with the aftermath, and I wish more than anything that I could've prevented it. But even more than that, I wish someone, anyone, could have prevented it. That being said, I believe it could have been prevented and this blog is all about how & why I think that, as well as I have questions. Many questions in fact, and I hope that some of you, not all of you, but some, will see where I'm coming from. At the end of the day my goal is to help kids and specifically to help them avoid becoming at-risk, that means that I am willing to do and say almost anything in order to save these kids, I hope that is what you take from this!
I want to start by saying that I don't know all the in's and out's of Amanda's particular case and maybe that is why I have so many questions. Shouldn't we all want to know more? How is it so easy for so many of us to just take what we have been given and accept it as truth? What I can say is that the at-risk youth I work with twice a week, every week, are all candidates for suicide. In fact most every youngster I meet and work with in this environment has mentioned to me that they have thought about suicide or considered it in the past. The age range I work with is typically between 16-23 years old. Do you want to know what the consensus around our group discussion regarding Amanda Todd was? It wasn't the bullying that caused her to take her own life, it was the isolation and feelings of "nobody is here for me". That was the number one response I got. One young lady told me that she could relate to a lot of the same things Amanda described and her response to the situation was, "If she didn't have a good relationship with one of her parents, that is most likely the reason she took her own life."
Doesn't anyone else out there want to talk about the fact that she attempted suicide on 2 separate and previous occasions? How did she even get the opportunity for a 3rd attempt? Had nobody seen the red flags yet? Did people miss it when she came home and drank bleach? She was rushed to the hospital in order to have her stomach pumped so it definitely did not go unnoticed! Did nobody notice she had been cutting herself?
Maybe we should go back to the beginning, or let me rephrase that, let's go back to the beginning that WE know. Around twelve years of age Amanda flashed a webcam and essentially posed for a topless photo. Maybe we should stop right there, why on gods green earth would any 12 year old engage in that type of behaviour if they weren't ALREADY AT-RISK??? Maybe if we start to understand that there were other problems in Amanda's life other than what transpired after she took this photo, then maybe we could actually get to the bottom of this story and in turn actually learn a lesson. Why haven't we heard from any of Amanda's classmates or peers? What about her teachers and principals? Wouldn't they have an opinion?
Once again, yes it is a tragedy of mass proportions when a young girl takes their own life, but wouldn't it be even worse if we all missed out on the reason she did so? If it was a lesson she was trying to share, what was that lesson? Was there anything positive to take from Amanda's YouTube post and subsequent suicide other than she was very alone and obviously lacked the strength to keep fighting?
Do you know how angered some of the youth I work with were about this story?
"Why should she get attention, she killed herself!" That was one response.
"Ya, maybe if she posted that video and then a couple years later she showed the world how she overcame all that and turned her life around, that would be something to talk about, but why this? It seems like we are dishonouring her in a way."
"It's almost like we are celebrating the tragedy of Amanda Todd!"
I would hope that you won't immediately write off any of these honest comments just because of who they came from, but if we are being honest, wouldn't these types of kids have the "inside track" when it comes to understanding what Amanda was dealing with?
One kid said it to me best when she said, "Suicide is about stopping the people that are constantly hurting you and most likely those are the closest people to you. Maybe she did have a tough go at it, maybe she did make some mistakes, but maybe there was nobody there to remind her that mistakes are how we learn. Maybe she was made to feel bad every time she made a mistake!"
All I'm trying to say is that if we are to benefit at all from this tragedy we must find out the cause even if some of the questions are tough to ask or answer. If this was a homicide would the coroner just walk in, look at the body, and without so much as a single test determine the cause of death? We owe it to Amanda to find out what the cause was, because whatever it was she was afraid to admit it. There was definitely something other than the bullying and online attacks that caused this to happen, that's why I have so many questions. How about you?
I work with these kids every week and I care for each and every one of them, I couldn't imagine how I would feel if one of them took their own life. But nobody would benefit if we didn't do that individual the justice they deserved and tried to learn why they did it, so that we could help the next one.
Something was going on outside of school, outside of the cyber bullying and outside of the story we are all seeing thus far. I truly hope that we learn more so that we can continue to help the "next one". If we don't, we will just be back here again in the "not so distant future", talking about another child. We need to know what was going on at home. Like I asked in the earlier paragraphs, why did this happen, who dropped the ball? Do we really want to blame or accuse the wrong people just so the majority of society can go back to sleep while we sweep Amanda Todd under the rug?
We need to think preventatively and this is a golden opportunity to learn something valuable. If parents keep blaming educators and educators keep blaming parents and they both blame the government, are we getting anywhere? If nothing else why don't the parents and educators come together and agree that we want to put an end to at-risk youth and bullying? If nothing else I think we can all agree that Amanda never got the lesson that flashing your boobs online is not the norm and it's not appropriate. She also obviously didn't get the lessons about how you definitely never want to share private things with the Internet. Yet after all the horrible things that followed you still managed to meet another boy, who lied about having a girlfriend, and when he tells you she is out of town, you go over and have sex with him. If I'm not missing anything, does that sound like an average youth, a healthy youth or an at-risk youth, which would you choose?
I wish somewhere along the way I had the opportunity to meet Amanda, maybe I would have been able to help her because one thing is certain, nobody else in her life was able to. That is what scares me the most.
Wherever Amanda is now I truly hope she has found some sort of peace and I'm fairly certain that if she could help another young person avoid going her route she would do it in a heartbeat.
Please help me in truly trying to find out what causes children to become at-risk, if we look at my favourite definition,
"A better definition of 'at-risk youths', is youths who are at risk of being failed by one or more adults or an adult-driven system or institution.”
we can see that something has to go wrong for these kids to end up as bullies and victims, and if it isn't out in the public, where else would it be?
Where does Amanda fit into all this? Who failed her? Why did this happen? Could it have been prevented? Why did she have more than two opportunities to try?
I hope there are many of you who see past my harshness in determining who is accountable here and focus more on my intent and I truly hope that many of you also have questions and you haven't already forgotten about Amanda Todd.
I would like to just be very clear that nothing that I say in the body of this post has anything to do with, or is a reflection, about how I feel about Amanda Todd taking her own life! I want to be explicitly clear when I say that this is a horrible tragedy and all I feel is sadness! All I feel is immense pain for the parents, the families, the friends and all others who now have to deal with the aftermath, and I wish more than anything that I could've prevented it. But even more than that, I wish someone, anyone, could have prevented it. That being said, I believe it could have been prevented and this blog is all about how & why I think that, as well as I have questions. Many questions in fact, and I hope that some of you, not all of you, but some, will see where I'm coming from. At the end of the day my goal is to help kids and specifically to help them avoid becoming at-risk, that means that I am willing to do and say almost anything in order to save these kids, I hope that is what you take from this!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/11/amanda-todd-suicide-bullying_n_1959909.html
http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Amanda+Todd+speaks+about+daughter+death/7384521/story.html
"Amanda was 12 years old when she made a mistake that would haunt her until her death three years later.
Her ordeal started while she was fooling around online with friends. She probably didn’t think it was risky behaviour when she lifted her top to flash the person who was flattering her at the other end of the webcam.
Amanda’s moment of indiscretion was not unusual for someone her age: Sexting and using webcams to share sexual photos is a growing trend among children, some so young they are still in grade school."
It was this specific quote from the writer of the article from the Vancouver Sun that literally made me want to lose my mind. I had to say something just for the simple fact that she was trying to pass off a 12 year old flashing her boobs online as the norm and nothing to be surprised about! If it was not unusual or out of the norm, I wonder how many of Amanda's "friends" also flashed the webcam that night?
I want to start by saying that I don't know all the in's and out's of Amanda's particular case and maybe that is why I have so many questions. Shouldn't we all want to know more? How is it so easy for so many of us to just take what we have been given and accept it as truth? What I can say is that the at-risk youth I work with twice a week, every week, are all candidates for suicide. In fact most every youngster I meet and work with in this environment has mentioned to me that they have thought about suicide or considered it in the past. The age range I work with is typically between 16-23 years old. Do you want to know what the consensus around our group discussion regarding Amanda Todd was? It wasn't the bullying that caused her to take her own life, it was the isolation and feelings of "nobody is here for me". That was the number one response I got. One young lady told me that she could relate to a lot of the same things Amanda described and her response to the situation was, "If she didn't have a good relationship with one of her parents, that is most likely the reason she took her own life."
Doesn't anyone else out there want to talk about the fact that she attempted suicide on 2 separate and previous occasions? How did she even get the opportunity for a 3rd attempt? Had nobody seen the red flags yet? Did people miss it when she came home and drank bleach? She was rushed to the hospital in order to have her stomach pumped so it definitely did not go unnoticed! Did nobody notice she had been cutting herself?
Maybe we should go back to the beginning, or let me rephrase that, let's go back to the beginning that WE know. Around twelve years of age Amanda flashed a webcam and essentially posed for a topless photo. Maybe we should stop right there, why on gods green earth would any 12 year old engage in that type of behaviour if they weren't ALREADY AT-RISK??? Maybe if we start to understand that there were other problems in Amanda's life other than what transpired after she took this photo, then maybe we could actually get to the bottom of this story and in turn actually learn a lesson. Why haven't we heard from any of Amanda's classmates or peers? What about her teachers and principals? Wouldn't they have an opinion?
Once again, yes it is a tragedy of mass proportions when a young girl takes their own life, but wouldn't it be even worse if we all missed out on the reason she did so? If it was a lesson she was trying to share, what was that lesson? Was there anything positive to take from Amanda's YouTube post and subsequent suicide other than she was very alone and obviously lacked the strength to keep fighting?
Do you know how angered some of the youth I work with were about this story?
"Why should she get attention, she killed herself!" That was one response.
"Ya, maybe if she posted that video and then a couple years later she showed the world how she overcame all that and turned her life around, that would be something to talk about, but why this? It seems like we are dishonouring her in a way."
"It's almost like we are celebrating the tragedy of Amanda Todd!"
I would hope that you won't immediately write off any of these honest comments just because of who they came from, but if we are being honest, wouldn't these types of kids have the "inside track" when it comes to understanding what Amanda was dealing with?
One kid said it to me best when she said, "Suicide is about stopping the people that are constantly hurting you and most likely those are the closest people to you. Maybe she did have a tough go at it, maybe she did make some mistakes, but maybe there was nobody there to remind her that mistakes are how we learn. Maybe she was made to feel bad every time she made a mistake!"
All I'm trying to say is that if we are to benefit at all from this tragedy we must find out the cause even if some of the questions are tough to ask or answer. If this was a homicide would the coroner just walk in, look at the body, and without so much as a single test determine the cause of death? We owe it to Amanda to find out what the cause was, because whatever it was she was afraid to admit it. There was definitely something other than the bullying and online attacks that caused this to happen, that's why I have so many questions. How about you?
I work with these kids every week and I care for each and every one of them, I couldn't imagine how I would feel if one of them took their own life. But nobody would benefit if we didn't do that individual the justice they deserved and tried to learn why they did it, so that we could help the next one.
Something was going on outside of school, outside of the cyber bullying and outside of the story we are all seeing thus far. I truly hope that we learn more so that we can continue to help the "next one". If we don't, we will just be back here again in the "not so distant future", talking about another child. We need to know what was going on at home. Like I asked in the earlier paragraphs, why did this happen, who dropped the ball? Do we really want to blame or accuse the wrong people just so the majority of society can go back to sleep while we sweep Amanda Todd under the rug?
We need to think preventatively and this is a golden opportunity to learn something valuable. If parents keep blaming educators and educators keep blaming parents and they both blame the government, are we getting anywhere? If nothing else why don't the parents and educators come together and agree that we want to put an end to at-risk youth and bullying? If nothing else I think we can all agree that Amanda never got the lesson that flashing your boobs online is not the norm and it's not appropriate. She also obviously didn't get the lessons about how you definitely never want to share private things with the Internet. Yet after all the horrible things that followed you still managed to meet another boy, who lied about having a girlfriend, and when he tells you she is out of town, you go over and have sex with him. If I'm not missing anything, does that sound like an average youth, a healthy youth or an at-risk youth, which would you choose?
I wish somewhere along the way I had the opportunity to meet Amanda, maybe I would have been able to help her because one thing is certain, nobody else in her life was able to. That is what scares me the most.
Wherever Amanda is now I truly hope she has found some sort of peace and I'm fairly certain that if she could help another young person avoid going her route she would do it in a heartbeat.
Please help me in truly trying to find out what causes children to become at-risk, if we look at my favourite definition,
"A better definition of 'at-risk youths', is youths who are at risk of being failed by one or more adults or an adult-driven system or institution.”
we can see that something has to go wrong for these kids to end up as bullies and victims, and if it isn't out in the public, where else would it be?
Where does Amanda fit into all this? Who failed her? Why did this happen? Could it have been prevented? Why did she have more than two opportunities to try?
I hope there are many of you who see past my harshness in determining who is accountable here and focus more on my intent and I truly hope that many of you also have questions and you haven't already forgotten about Amanda Todd.
Great post once again Josh. I agree that it's the closest people around her that can do the most harm by not helping and guiding her in the right direction. There is more to it than just the bullying.
ReplyDeletePersonally I was bullied when I was young but to take my own life I felt was not necessary since I loved my family and the people closest to me. If Amanda truly loved her parents and the ones closest to her, I'm sure suicide would not be a decision of hers. It is clear that she was alone and had absolutely no help from her family.
The way I have always seen bullying and what some researchers agree with is bullying is an act of domination over another, and when a person chooses to commit suicide it is their way of taking back control. I am not saying its the right thing to do, but when backed in to a corner some see that as the only way to control their own destiny. Its really sad when this happens and it is something that can be prevented with a proper support system. Some people don't understand just how important a good family and peer structure is.
ReplyDelete