This being the first Christmas since my separation almost a year ago I decided to write about the effect being apart from my son had on me these past two days. While being apart from my son anytime is a challenge, I share custody with his mother, I never expected Christmas would be much different. I have my son essentially half of every week, as I made a point of moving as close to him as possible so that I wouldn't have to be an every other weekend father. I honestly don't think I could have handled that because being a father is something I always dreamed of.
Growing up Jewish, even though I always loved Christmas, it's not a new experience for me to be alone during this time of year. Although for the past 15 years I always had friends that I would typically celebrate with. Of course 5 of those 15 years I spent Christmas with my son and in-laws, so that had pretty much become routine. This Christmas I was alone as most of my friends live at least an hour away and I guess being newly single I'm not on the top of most peoples invite list. To make matters even more difficult, I was very quickly replaced by another man mere days after I moved out of my former family house. For those who know me or those who have read about me, dealing with adversity is nothing new, but I must say this has been one of the toughest years of my life and this Christmas pretty much capped it off. To say I'm anxious for 2013 would be a huge understatement.
Christmas eve wasn't too bad, with the exception of the morning when I had to watch my son leave for what I knew would be his first Christmas without his father, because I hung out with a friend. Regardless of trying to enjoy myself last night, I couldn't stop thinking about my son and his anticipation of Christmas morning. I was also quite uncomfortable with the thought of my son celebrating Christmas with my old family and this new guy, but I guess that's part of life. Today though was a different story. When the morning phone calls and messages I placed to all my Christmas celebrating friends were over, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what my past 5 years had been like on Christmas morning. It took all the resilience I have to not go crazy thinking about my son waking up to another man and his mom, running downstairs for Christmas breakfast and then heading off to his mom's family for the day of presents, food and celebration. I felt like I was in a time warp and everyone had moved forward and here I was stuck thinking about the past. I still can't fathom how none of my former in-laws have even bothered to reach out to me and especially during the holiday season to not get a card, a text, an email or even a Facebook message, but again, I guess that's the way it goes.
What I really don't understand is how all of them, who spent Christmas with me last year, would not even bat an eye at the fact that this year there is a new man there in my place. Yet we wonder why today's youth are struggling so much. I can only imagine what my son is thinking. I know that he's aware because when we are together he tells me how he wishes I could be there with him and his mom on Christmas and he often talks about how much he wishes we could go back to our old house where he, his mother and I, were all together. It kills me to think about how difficult it must be for him, but then I wonder if it's just me who is having such a hard time with it. I miss my family, I miss my son and even though relationships are tough, I was definitely in it for the long haul and being separated was never part of my plan. When I see my ex, it almost feels as if time stands still for me and it doesn't feel much different from when we were together. On her end, I kind of feel like that song "Somebody that I used to know" is how she looks at me. It's like I have been erased and it totally stings.
I'm sure many of you reading this may think I'm stuck and I have to move on, but I assure you I have moved on. Not that it makes any of this easier, but what other choice do I have. I love my ex for better and for worse, and I say love, not loved, because I am a firm believer that you can't turn love off. To me, if you ever loved someone, and I mean truly loved them, you will never stop loving them.
All I know is that Christmas day 2012 was a lonely one and it brought a lot of feelings and emotions to the surface. I figured the best way to deal with them, seeing that nothing else was working today, was to share some of those feelings and at the very least get them out! For anyone else out there who knows what I'm talking about, please hang in there. It will get easier and feeling this way is completely normal and understandable no matter what anyone tells you. Do not let others opinions get in the way of how you process things and how you deal. Trust your instincts and my thought is even though times can be tough, you will be fine. I for instance know for a fact that next Christmas will be much easier than this one and that is something to look forward to.
I hope all of you had a great holiday season and I'm wishing you a very Happy New Year.
Thanks for listening.
Growing up Jewish, even though I always loved Christmas, it's not a new experience for me to be alone during this time of year. Although for the past 15 years I always had friends that I would typically celebrate with. Of course 5 of those 15 years I spent Christmas with my son and in-laws, so that had pretty much become routine. This Christmas I was alone as most of my friends live at least an hour away and I guess being newly single I'm not on the top of most peoples invite list. To make matters even more difficult, I was very quickly replaced by another man mere days after I moved out of my former family house. For those who know me or those who have read about me, dealing with adversity is nothing new, but I must say this has been one of the toughest years of my life and this Christmas pretty much capped it off. To say I'm anxious for 2013 would be a huge understatement.
Christmas eve wasn't too bad, with the exception of the morning when I had to watch my son leave for what I knew would be his first Christmas without his father, because I hung out with a friend. Regardless of trying to enjoy myself last night, I couldn't stop thinking about my son and his anticipation of Christmas morning. I was also quite uncomfortable with the thought of my son celebrating Christmas with my old family and this new guy, but I guess that's part of life. Today though was a different story. When the morning phone calls and messages I placed to all my Christmas celebrating friends were over, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what my past 5 years had been like on Christmas morning. It took all the resilience I have to not go crazy thinking about my son waking up to another man and his mom, running downstairs for Christmas breakfast and then heading off to his mom's family for the day of presents, food and celebration. I felt like I was in a time warp and everyone had moved forward and here I was stuck thinking about the past. I still can't fathom how none of my former in-laws have even bothered to reach out to me and especially during the holiday season to not get a card, a text, an email or even a Facebook message, but again, I guess that's the way it goes.
What I really don't understand is how all of them, who spent Christmas with me last year, would not even bat an eye at the fact that this year there is a new man there in my place. Yet we wonder why today's youth are struggling so much. I can only imagine what my son is thinking. I know that he's aware because when we are together he tells me how he wishes I could be there with him and his mom on Christmas and he often talks about how much he wishes we could go back to our old house where he, his mother and I, were all together. It kills me to think about how difficult it must be for him, but then I wonder if it's just me who is having such a hard time with it. I miss my family, I miss my son and even though relationships are tough, I was definitely in it for the long haul and being separated was never part of my plan. When I see my ex, it almost feels as if time stands still for me and it doesn't feel much different from when we were together. On her end, I kind of feel like that song "Somebody that I used to know" is how she looks at me. It's like I have been erased and it totally stings.
I'm sure many of you reading this may think I'm stuck and I have to move on, but I assure you I have moved on. Not that it makes any of this easier, but what other choice do I have. I love my ex for better and for worse, and I say love, not loved, because I am a firm believer that you can't turn love off. To me, if you ever loved someone, and I mean truly loved them, you will never stop loving them.
All I know is that Christmas day 2012 was a lonely one and it brought a lot of feelings and emotions to the surface. I figured the best way to deal with them, seeing that nothing else was working today, was to share some of those feelings and at the very least get them out! For anyone else out there who knows what I'm talking about, please hang in there. It will get easier and feeling this way is completely normal and understandable no matter what anyone tells you. Do not let others opinions get in the way of how you process things and how you deal. Trust your instincts and my thought is even though times can be tough, you will be fine. I for instance know for a fact that next Christmas will be much easier than this one and that is something to look forward to.
I hope all of you had a great holiday season and I'm wishing you a very Happy New Year.
Thanks for listening.
Well done Joshua. I know it was cathartic to get that out...
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