Topic for Debate

Recently a couple of friends, a psychological professional, and me, have been debating a certain topic and I was hoping that we could get even more feedback if I blogged about it. As usual I am asking for your comments and thoughts on this subject because the more people that talk about it, the more chance we have to resolve it. The topic we have been debating is as follows: if you took 3 children and they were raised in 3 different environments, which would be the worst, have the most negative outcome, which do we as a society ignore the most/have the most empathy for, or would there be no difference?

 The first child is raised by two parents, but for the most part there is zero communication, and the child feels desperate and alone. The second child is raised by a single parent who literally doesn't have the time, energy or resources to properly care for and raise the child, so naturally the child grows up alone, confused, and probably has to fend for themselves. Lastly, the third child is raised in a 2 parent household, but predominantly by the father, and the father, who is quite successful, as opposed to ignoring the child, belittles him instead, mocks him, puts him down and tells him things such as you'll never amount to anything, or you're worthless. 

Now that you have had a chance to briefly understand these scenarios, which happen to be just a few of many, what is your opinion?  Who has a better chance at overcoming their individual situation? Should one of those kids feel worse than the other, would one have less self esteem than the other?  

Some of the points made were along the lines of:

The child who was completely ignored, yet had both parents around, often felt confused and unsure of what his parents actually thought of him.  When talking to an adult who was raised in this scenario, he mentioned how difficult it was for him to understand if they liked him, hated him, or just didn't care.  He summed it up best by saying, "I literally grew up, and I still ask myself this question, wondering why my parents had me, what was the point, and I must have been an accident"!  This individual specifically commented on how he second guesses many aspects of life, and has a hard time opening up to people, and trusting or confiding in them.  As he grew on his own he got involved with the wrong crowd, experimented with drugs and alcohol, and crime followed shortly.  It took many years of struggles before he was able to identify the loneliness and desperation he felt while growing up, which in turn led to many negative outlets.  He is a strong advocate for communication, and he is adamant that if he had the proper outlets when he was younger, many problems probably could have been avoided.

For our second test subject we had an individual who was raised in a single parent home, with no father. He first expressed sorrow and remorse for his mother, and almost accepted all the aspects of his life because of the bad hand she had been dealt.  His mother worked 2 jobs to make ends meet, and she was basically not around to raise him.  Obviously she also did not have enough money to provide after school care or programs.  This individual spoke largely about the pain he felt inside that was clearly written on his mothers face.  He felt desperate, and he wished he could make it better for her, but he felt like he didn't have the tools.  He talked about having no positive role models, and slowly but surely he started hanging around other single parent or unsupervised kids, and one thing led to another.  An older dealer from the neighborhood took him under his wing, told him if he sold some product he'd be able to help his mother and family, and the rest is history.  He engaged in a life of street crime because it was all he was ever taught.  Nobody was around to teach him anything different.  For years he walked through life as a criminal and majorly hurting individual.  Finally he wanted to stop, and he decided talking about it was the best way.  As he sums it up, "I felt like it was my mom and me against the world, nobody helped us, nobody cared, and many people knew what we were going through, it's not like we are the only ones!"  He has a lot of pent up anger and hurt, mostly because when he was a child he couldn't properly analyze his feelings, and basically we have no clue at that age.  The part that struck me the most was when he described the feeling of how if someone saw him at 13 selling drugs, which was when he started, they would probably discipline him, but also they would teach him why it was wrong, and how it would negatively impact his whole life.  Yet if they saw him again at 19, he would be just a statistic, another criminal that the world wants to lock away, instead of helping him get the resources or the help he needed.

The third individual, who was raised in a fairly normal environment and coming from a successful family, was the victim of failing to live up to his families expectations.  As he describes it, his father had big ideas for his son and they didn't match with his personal ideas.  As soon as this was apparent his father and extended family would mock him and tease him repeatedly.  His father especially would tell him he would never amount to anything, he was worthless, and he would ask him if he wanted the whole world to think he was stupid.  He said it was like he was an embarrassment to the family and especially his father.  "Eventually around 12 or 13, my father just ignored me completely.  For the better part of 3 years prior to that he had no idea what I was doing majority of the time, I only remember dealing with my father on vacations and when I got in trouble."  He also talked about running away several times, or trying to, before the age of 15.  "I hated my father because I was certain he hated me, and it crushed me inside!  He would have battles with a 13 year old and I guess he thought a pre-teen could handle adult type fighting, if that makes sense." During one of the stints running away, he was sexually assaulted several times by a family friend who was not much older than him.  He acknowledges now that the idea of staying at a house and being assaulted like that as payment for a bed as being a reasonable trade off to him in order to stay away from his own home, is a very scary thought.  "I must have been in a pretty dark place." 

By 16 he was sent to live in a group home and obviously he did not encounter the best scenario's there.  While being there he met many criminals and deviants, and one of the social workers sexually assaulted him.  I wonder if that alone would be enough to send a kid into a world of despair, hatred, isolation, I don't know?? 

By 19 he was off on his own in Los Angeles and he found all the drama, pain, and crime many could ever deal with including the loss of 2 friends to street violence, an evening or two in county lock up, criminal activities, and the loss of friends to the sex trades and drugs because they were lost souls that weren't as strong as he was, as he described.  All this before the ripe age of 21, what should we expect of this young man, and do you want to lock him up, or do you want to hug him and help him?  He has now written a book on his life, and has dedicated himself to creating more awareness, but most importantly creating prevention, when it comes to dealing with adolescences, pre-teens, teenagers, and young adults who desperately need and want the help.  "Not too many people I ever met on the streets dreamed of being there, it was never as glorious as it looks on TV and in music videos."

In closing, all 3 subjects, who initially each thought they had it the worst, agreed that they all seemed to end up in the same place, even though their beginnings were very different!  Do you know anybody that falls into one of these categories?  What are your thoughts and opinions.  Please continue to share because I truly believe that communication is the first, and biggest step we can take.  By the way, in case you hadn't figured it out yet, the 3rd subject is me!