For those Who continue to struggle

I thought it was time that I spoke to the people who still struggle, for those who still turn to drugs, alcohol, self abuse, self mutilation, and any other crutch in order to survive.  It must have been around the time I was 13, and I remember being caught by security guards and police for stealing at a local Sears.  I had mostly gotten away with it, and my best friend at the time took the major fall, and never turned me in.  I remember when he walked over to my house, and hung his head in complete embarrassment and shame as he was forced to come to my house and apologize to my father for getting me involved in such activities.  It made no difference, my father knew I was involved, and nothing anyone could have said would have changed his mind.  To my father, me and my best friend were no longer his "boys".  From doing everything together, it was as if he had turned his back on the both of us.  We weren't even 13, and we get written off, do we not get an opportunity to  redeem ourselves??  Are mistakes not human, especially for children?? Shortly afterwards my friend and his family moved away, and I was all alone.  I had nobody.  My father looked at me with a pain and disgust in his eyes and I could feel it every time he looked my way.  He would just shake his head in disappointment and walk away.  I was no longer special, in fact, I felt like a nuisance more than anything, now I was a burden and an embarrassment to my father and family.  Sadly, my brother revelled in it because for the first time in many years, he had his spotlight back, and it was all to himself.  Instead of reaching out to me and helping me up, he would continue to push me down so that he would shine, and I would look like a science experiment gone wrong.  Eventually I turned to alcohol and drugs, and it took me over 20 years to understand why.  Once I knew why, then I was able to turn it around.  Drugs and alcohol became my support team.  When I was scared, hurt, alone, I would turn to drugs or booze, and that would make me feel better.  Actually it would make me feel almost nothing, which I guess was the goal.  Unfortunately you quickly begin to lose yourself as you continue to try to numb yourself.  You don't even realize what's happening because your brain just creates this alternative reality where everything is fine as long as you can get your fix.  As the years roll by it became increasingly more difficult to even know who the real me was.  I left him back when I was 13 and I created a totally different future for myself the minute I did.  The drugs and alcohol gave me confidence and no conscious.  I was angry and I didn't know why.  After all these years I realize now that I created a problem that I now have to deal with for the rest of my life in one face or another.  Now that I have recovered, I still wonder everyday if it's me making decisions, or the version of me I created back when I was 13?  I still want to turn to drugs or alcohol every now and again, because it's easy, and it was a huge part of my development stage.  This is precisely why I am fighting as hard as I can to make a change and to help others.  If I had just one person who had reached out and put an arm around me and told me that they understood what I was going through and they were there to help, I think it would have made an enormous difference.  Instead of what we all do as a society.  We try for a bit, and then we typically write things off, and move on.  This is never the attitude we should have with people, and definitely not children.  That is why I want to reach out to all the people who struggle, and especially the kids who are just starting to enter that dangerous period in their lives, that there has to be a better way.  Enough with worrying what others will think of you.  Be honest, and talk to someone, anyone about the issues you face.  If you can find some comfort in sharing, and you can see that you are NOT alone, you may not need to turn to drugs, alcohol, or whatever else to feel better.  My best friend who left shortly after that stealing incident, I realize now we kept each other safe, confident, and protected.  We encouraged each other, and instead of people looking at what we had done as mischief, or just not knowing any better, they immediately were consumed by fear, and all they could think about was that this incident had to be the beginning of bigger and badder things to come!?  But why??  It completely back fired, when we were separated, we no longer had the luxury of comforting each other, continuing to encourage each other to do things we didn't think we could, and so on.  Oddly enough over the next 20 years we pretty much lived the same lives only separately.  We have now reunited, and it has been incredible.  I feel safe, and comfortable, and I have had someone I could tell anything to again, and he never judges me, only tries to help.  This is what we all need instead of drugs and all that crap.  We need to find a safe place, and a safe person, and above all else, NEVER KEEP ANYTHING INSIDE!!!  Share how you feel, share what scares you, and anyone who makes you feel bad or any other negative reaction, realize it's not about you, it's about them.  Move on, and find someone else.  If you tell someone something they cannot fathom, odds are you will never get the response or reaction you are hoping for.  People react mostly out of fear these days, and that is why they are negative.  If you can't find anyone else to talk to, contact me, and Ill be there.  If everyone took more time to try and be available for others, or encourage people to share more often, maybe we could reduce some of these problems before it's too late.  I'm positive that if you looked at a picture of an innocent 12 year old, and you knew within a year or two this kid was going to take a major turn for the worse, and end up like a photograph of a 35 year old homeless drug addict or prisoner, you would do everything you could to prevent it.  I believe if we take the initiative to understand how quickly someone can fall through the cracks, we would all do more!!