I wanted to talk about a close friend of mines current family situation and the roller coaster ride he has been on for the past few months. Unfortunately for the outsiders looking in, it has been going on for years! I truly hope to gain as much feedback and commentary from this post as I truly want to help this friend as best I can.
In order to respect his and his family's privacy I will try to be vague where I can, and I have changed several of the elements but the story is intact.
My friend is a very attractive guy who has definitely had success with women, and when he met his common law partner, she was definitely a knock out. Unfortunately we would all hear about her behaviour and her family stories and we were all very concerned. She is several years younger than he is and she tried to toy with him a lot. She would often flirt with other guys, and be inappropriate with other men. She is very insecure and she fed off of the attention she could garner for her looks.
My friend fell hard, really hard. They had a very volatile relationship and before long she became pregnant and they decided to give it a go. She had nothing and neither did her family (at least that's what she led everyone including my friend to believe for many months) and so my friend took care of everything. I remember when he first moved in with her, to her apartment by school, she would complain to my buddy how she had no money and she couldn't even afford her school books. He paid for her books, her food, half her rent at least, and much more. He even would help her younger brothers and sister who had nothing. He'd buy them clothes, take them out to eat, and he'd help them however he could. After they had been together for at least 6 months my friend found out that she was not so honest about her family. It turned out her father, who had left when she was 13, was apparently worth upwards of 20 Million dollars. My friend as opposed to being mad that she had lied about so much actually just wanted to help her. He told her that he could help them all get their money. Within a few months my friend and his father had arranged a few lawyers to meet with, and I believe it was the 3rd lawyer that was the winner. Shortly after they retained the lawyer, my buddies girl and her 3 siblings all started getting monthly support. I'm not going to say she was fully taking advantage of him, but she definitely had it very good and she treated him like he was always expendable and easily replaceable. I don't know about you, but if I was in a relationship where my partner constantly made me feel like I was expendable or easily replaceable, I know I couldn't live like that, that must be a very worthless feeling. She'd show him text messages & Facebook messages from other guys just to drive him nuts and to show him how easy it would be for her to replace him.
Regardless my friend did the best he could, but he was losing himself. His friends were tired of being told he couldn't come out, knowing the reason was his woman's insecurity. How ironic that a gorgeous woman who would flirt with others, is constantly worried of her man cheating on her? Would that be self-projecting I guess? His family were tired of seeing him ready to finally wake the hell up, only to go back to her because he refused to leave his son and family. My buddy is old fashioned in that regard, he believes a family is the most sacred thing on this earth and you never turn your back on family.
It was a tough situation for me because I got all the stories, everything, and let me just say that one day I will write a book about his life with that woman, it was that unbelievable. He would come and tell me things that you would never think any person could take in a relationship. The way she would mess with him was truly crazy. The worst part about it was her craziness was actually starting to make my buddy doubt his own sanity. It was almost like textbook victim syndrome, where you start to feel sorry for and even attached to your abuser or captor. He would tell me how its ok that she had done whatever it was she had done that day because he had done something to deserve it. Another awesome part of it was my buddy started to smoke marijuana daily in order to cope/deal with his life, and I know its not an excuse, but he would literally go to his psychiatrist and they would discuss how smoking weed was the only way he could remain sane in his family and he was not prepared to leave. He tried quitting and going on a pill, but the pill rendered him useless, and when he'd quit his partner seemed to always deteriorate and they'd fight like crazy. Then he'd come tell me, how she would tell him that she hated his smoking, yet she bought him pipes and other paraphernalia, and she'd often ask him to go smoke weed? Obviously she used it against him too by telling him she would tell people he was a drug addict and he'd lose his child, even though she condoned it. In other words it was a crazy relationship.
They did however make the most incredible kid I have ever met, and that is as honest as I can be. I have never been around a child that is as clever and polite, and just straight up amazingly behaved as this kid is. My friend also happens to be one of the best fathers I have ever witnessed, and his love for his child is like nothing I've seen before. For years now his partner had been collecting money, and my buddy saw none of it. Even after he paid for everything for 3 years, went thousands of dollars into debt, bought a house for his family, bought a car for his girl, and did everything he could. I remember last year when he had to sell their house in order to pay off some of the debt they had incurred and to support his business, she had lots of money saved up and she did nothing to help him. While she decided to go back to University instead of working in her field after getting a certificate from College, he stepped up and said he would be the stay at home parent while she did that. She had more than enough money coming in from her family support every month, and this way my buddy could work on his business which had always been his dream. He actually thought he had it all figured out, with the exception of the being happy part.
Within 6 months of them living this new arrangement my buddy would come and tell me how his partner was calling him a loser, and telling him he should get a job because she doesn't want to support him. I honestly asked him if she was bi polar or something, because to me she is nuts. I asked him if this was not exactly what they had agreed to do 5 months ago? I asked him if he was not essentially the stay at home parent, and that still she didn't pay for him. Outside of rent and utilities, my buddy still paid for plenty with zero income! He paid for his car, gas, cell phone, groceries, life insurance for both of them, and so much more. He was going broke while she was getting rich and apparently supporting him.
Than the bomb dropped. Not 2 weeks after her family's financial support became finalized in courts, her mother received a multi million dollar cheque, all the kids got lump sum pay-outs (for the 3rd time), and all the kids got large monthly support, she told him they were done. I kid you not we all even talked about it after she decided to take him back a couple weeks later. We commented how it seemed like someone in her corner told her that if she didn't take him back and they went to court ever, it would look really bad how soon after the settlement she tried to leave him. It was like that story you hear about a husband or wife winning the lottery and then trying to not share it with their partner, that is exactly what this was like.
They didn't last much longer though, I think it was maybe 3 weeks and he found out she had been telling other guys that she was single and that she had been for quite some time. On top of that he found out she met with a banker behind his back and she had got pre-approved for a mortgage. She had saved enough money to put a down payment on a home by herself. My buddy even helped her find the house, he dealt with the Realtors, and he did the inspection for her. Than she came to him and told him he was not allowed to move into the new house she had bought and that the two of them were done. He could still see his son half the week, but other than that she essentially tossed him out on his ass. She even took whatever of his belongings from the house she wanted, and whatever my buddy couldn't store at his fathers house, she tossed in the garbage. If he didn't have his father around I don't know where he would go or what he would do. When he has tried to talk to her and tell her that she can't just leave him with nothing and no where to live, she tells him to get a job! He has refused to seek legal help thus far because he can't really afford it, and he is scared to have the ordeal take a negative toll on his child. I, his entire family, and all his friends have told him that if the rolls were reversed and he tried to treat a woman who was a stay at home parent, the same way she has treated him, that he would be burned at the steak for Caveman of the year or something!
He is very afraid for his son's welfare as her family and her are clearly not stable. It has been almost 3 months since they split and he has heard nothing from anyone on her side of the family. She apparently already has a new man that she loves, and she is already introducing this new guy on the regular to their child. It is honestly like my friend was removed and another guy just filled the slot. It's truly despicable the things she has said and done to him and all in an attempt to hurt him more. He cries to me all the time, he doesn't know what to do and he doesn't want to lose his son. But as he explains it to me, this was not even close to his plan. He now lives far from all he has ever known, his friends, his family, his neighbourhood, as he moved close to his partners family. He desperately wants to and has to start over again but how does he do that without moving away from his child? He has to get a job, find a place, and as I said before, start over. How does he do that while living in farm country watching someone else live his family dream, with his family?
This is why I have shared this story with all of you. I am truly hoping that many people can comment and provide feedback so that I can show it to my friend in hopes that it will have a positive affect on his mindset. I can't believe how broken he truly is right now. The best way I can explain it is he's lost all his mojo. Imagine your best looking, most charming and witty friend, and they think they are nothing and have nothing. Please help!!!
In order to respect his and his family's privacy I will try to be vague where I can, and I have changed several of the elements but the story is intact.
My friend is a very attractive guy who has definitely had success with women, and when he met his common law partner, she was definitely a knock out. Unfortunately we would all hear about her behaviour and her family stories and we were all very concerned. She is several years younger than he is and she tried to toy with him a lot. She would often flirt with other guys, and be inappropriate with other men. She is very insecure and she fed off of the attention she could garner for her looks.
My friend fell hard, really hard. They had a very volatile relationship and before long she became pregnant and they decided to give it a go. She had nothing and neither did her family (at least that's what she led everyone including my friend to believe for many months) and so my friend took care of everything. I remember when he first moved in with her, to her apartment by school, she would complain to my buddy how she had no money and she couldn't even afford her school books. He paid for her books, her food, half her rent at least, and much more. He even would help her younger brothers and sister who had nothing. He'd buy them clothes, take them out to eat, and he'd help them however he could. After they had been together for at least 6 months my friend found out that she was not so honest about her family. It turned out her father, who had left when she was 13, was apparently worth upwards of 20 Million dollars. My friend as opposed to being mad that she had lied about so much actually just wanted to help her. He told her that he could help them all get their money. Within a few months my friend and his father had arranged a few lawyers to meet with, and I believe it was the 3rd lawyer that was the winner. Shortly after they retained the lawyer, my buddies girl and her 3 siblings all started getting monthly support. I'm not going to say she was fully taking advantage of him, but she definitely had it very good and she treated him like he was always expendable and easily replaceable. I don't know about you, but if I was in a relationship where my partner constantly made me feel like I was expendable or easily replaceable, I know I couldn't live like that, that must be a very worthless feeling. She'd show him text messages & Facebook messages from other guys just to drive him nuts and to show him how easy it would be for her to replace him.
Regardless my friend did the best he could, but he was losing himself. His friends were tired of being told he couldn't come out, knowing the reason was his woman's insecurity. How ironic that a gorgeous woman who would flirt with others, is constantly worried of her man cheating on her? Would that be self-projecting I guess? His family were tired of seeing him ready to finally wake the hell up, only to go back to her because he refused to leave his son and family. My buddy is old fashioned in that regard, he believes a family is the most sacred thing on this earth and you never turn your back on family.
It was a tough situation for me because I got all the stories, everything, and let me just say that one day I will write a book about his life with that woman, it was that unbelievable. He would come and tell me things that you would never think any person could take in a relationship. The way she would mess with him was truly crazy. The worst part about it was her craziness was actually starting to make my buddy doubt his own sanity. It was almost like textbook victim syndrome, where you start to feel sorry for and even attached to your abuser or captor. He would tell me how its ok that she had done whatever it was she had done that day because he had done something to deserve it. Another awesome part of it was my buddy started to smoke marijuana daily in order to cope/deal with his life, and I know its not an excuse, but he would literally go to his psychiatrist and they would discuss how smoking weed was the only way he could remain sane in his family and he was not prepared to leave. He tried quitting and going on a pill, but the pill rendered him useless, and when he'd quit his partner seemed to always deteriorate and they'd fight like crazy. Then he'd come tell me, how she would tell him that she hated his smoking, yet she bought him pipes and other paraphernalia, and she'd often ask him to go smoke weed? Obviously she used it against him too by telling him she would tell people he was a drug addict and he'd lose his child, even though she condoned it. In other words it was a crazy relationship.
They did however make the most incredible kid I have ever met, and that is as honest as I can be. I have never been around a child that is as clever and polite, and just straight up amazingly behaved as this kid is. My friend also happens to be one of the best fathers I have ever witnessed, and his love for his child is like nothing I've seen before. For years now his partner had been collecting money, and my buddy saw none of it. Even after he paid for everything for 3 years, went thousands of dollars into debt, bought a house for his family, bought a car for his girl, and did everything he could. I remember last year when he had to sell their house in order to pay off some of the debt they had incurred and to support his business, she had lots of money saved up and she did nothing to help him. While she decided to go back to University instead of working in her field after getting a certificate from College, he stepped up and said he would be the stay at home parent while she did that. She had more than enough money coming in from her family support every month, and this way my buddy could work on his business which had always been his dream. He actually thought he had it all figured out, with the exception of the being happy part.
Within 6 months of them living this new arrangement my buddy would come and tell me how his partner was calling him a loser, and telling him he should get a job because she doesn't want to support him. I honestly asked him if she was bi polar or something, because to me she is nuts. I asked him if this was not exactly what they had agreed to do 5 months ago? I asked him if he was not essentially the stay at home parent, and that still she didn't pay for him. Outside of rent and utilities, my buddy still paid for plenty with zero income! He paid for his car, gas, cell phone, groceries, life insurance for both of them, and so much more. He was going broke while she was getting rich and apparently supporting him.
Than the bomb dropped. Not 2 weeks after her family's financial support became finalized in courts, her mother received a multi million dollar cheque, all the kids got lump sum pay-outs (for the 3rd time), and all the kids got large monthly support, she told him they were done. I kid you not we all even talked about it after she decided to take him back a couple weeks later. We commented how it seemed like someone in her corner told her that if she didn't take him back and they went to court ever, it would look really bad how soon after the settlement she tried to leave him. It was like that story you hear about a husband or wife winning the lottery and then trying to not share it with their partner, that is exactly what this was like.
They didn't last much longer though, I think it was maybe 3 weeks and he found out she had been telling other guys that she was single and that she had been for quite some time. On top of that he found out she met with a banker behind his back and she had got pre-approved for a mortgage. She had saved enough money to put a down payment on a home by herself. My buddy even helped her find the house, he dealt with the Realtors, and he did the inspection for her. Than she came to him and told him he was not allowed to move into the new house she had bought and that the two of them were done. He could still see his son half the week, but other than that she essentially tossed him out on his ass. She even took whatever of his belongings from the house she wanted, and whatever my buddy couldn't store at his fathers house, she tossed in the garbage. If he didn't have his father around I don't know where he would go or what he would do. When he has tried to talk to her and tell her that she can't just leave him with nothing and no where to live, she tells him to get a job! He has refused to seek legal help thus far because he can't really afford it, and he is scared to have the ordeal take a negative toll on his child. I, his entire family, and all his friends have told him that if the rolls were reversed and he tried to treat a woman who was a stay at home parent, the same way she has treated him, that he would be burned at the steak for Caveman of the year or something!
He is very afraid for his son's welfare as her family and her are clearly not stable. It has been almost 3 months since they split and he has heard nothing from anyone on her side of the family. She apparently already has a new man that she loves, and she is already introducing this new guy on the regular to their child. It is honestly like my friend was removed and another guy just filled the slot. It's truly despicable the things she has said and done to him and all in an attempt to hurt him more. He cries to me all the time, he doesn't know what to do and he doesn't want to lose his son. But as he explains it to me, this was not even close to his plan. He now lives far from all he has ever known, his friends, his family, his neighbourhood, as he moved close to his partners family. He desperately wants to and has to start over again but how does he do that without moving away from his child? He has to get a job, find a place, and as I said before, start over. How does he do that while living in farm country watching someone else live his family dream, with his family?
This is why I have shared this story with all of you. I am truly hoping that many people can comment and provide feedback so that I can show it to my friend in hopes that it will have a positive affect on his mindset. I can't believe how broken he truly is right now. The best way I can explain it is he's lost all his mojo. Imagine your best looking, most charming and witty friend, and they think they are nothing and have nothing. Please help!!!
Hey brother, I know from a similar albeit limited experience that these events can be a confusing and bitter pill to swallow. Straight up though, your friend will overcome and rise up out of this all for the better bro!
ReplyDeleteGet over it Josh. You're whacked. That's alllllll about you, and your twisted take on things.
ReplyDelete