I decided to do a bonus blog this week because I was moved by a couple of experiences over the weekend. I thought they were important enough that I shouldn't wait another week to write about them.
"Kids don't worry" is the title to this post, but I wanted to make clear that this is an actual statement made to me by more parents than I would like to acknowledge. These are often the same parents who explain to me that children should enjoy childhood, it's the best time of their lives, they should be carefree, and well, I think you get the gist. I want to be clear right from the get go that I am no Scrooge, I don't want kids to suffer, I don't think they should be little soldiers, or anything drastic/extreme like that. What I do believe is that childhood is NOT the best time of our lives, how could it be if we are barely cognizant of what it is that's going on around us? Maybe being a child would be the best time in life if we could vividly remember how awesome it was to see this world through the eyes of a child, but I don't know many adults that are capable of this, do you?
"Kids DO worry". That's my rebuttal. I'm serious though, do any of you know of kids that don't worry? I'm not only talking about worrying about health, money, or food, it could be something as simple as they are worried about whether or not they will get their pacifier back. From a very young age children have the ability to take on what they hear, see, feel, taste, etc., so if you were a worrying parent, don't you think your child would naturally worry about things? If you walked about the house and you were high-strung, always motoring at a mile a minute, and frantically looking like you were going to lose your mind everyday, what do you think your child would be like? Even if you were not a worrier yourself, think about all the other individuals in your child's life, think about all the imagery they process. If we can accept that a child's mind is like a sponge when they are young and developing, what do you think that sponge would look like if it was taking in negativity? Given the amount of negativity in the world we live in today, a child has almost zero chance of not being affected without extreme intervention from all the caregivers in his or her life, and that is what I am fighting for.
Instead of us walking around oblivious to what our children are going through, maybe we should take our blinders off a little bit and have a look at the world we really live in. I believe its definitely time that we understand that our kids are really struggling in this new world we live in. Kids are being raised by babysitters, nannies, day cares, and a variety of others, but they are not being raised by their parents. I'm not pointing a finger and trying to blame anyone. We are all products of our environment and the majority of us are doing are very best just to keep our heads above water. In another post we will talk about why maybe now more than ever it is extremely important how much planning is involved when it comes to having a child. For me having a child meant one parent had to be home period. I don't care how it had to be done, that was one of my rules if I was going to bring a child into this world. I made a conscious decision that even if I had to live in a smaller house, drive a less fancy car, and live in a less than desirable neighbourhood to do so, that was what I would do. It actually scares me that more parents aren't prepared to do so, especially when statistics show that its not the environment or neighbourhood which determines how your child views this world, its you! To be extreme a hands on parent could technically offset the majority of bad experiences a child has if they are their comforting and communicating with them the whole way through. If a child saw a murder or something horrible like that and was left alone to process it, most likely that would be a very negative outcome. However if a trusted adult such as a parent had comforted that individual and explained what happened and why, that same child has a very good chance of not being affected at all.
The point I am trying to make here today is that kids do worry, and we should not teach them that childhood is for fooling around, living carefree, etc.. We should definitely teach them to enjoy life, and to seek out happiness, but if we don't start preparing them from a very early age what this world is truly like, aren't we doing our children a disservice? If children are sponges than the more we can teach and show them from a young age, the more they would incorporate these elements into their own lives. Think about it like this, would you have a child and wait until he was 10 years old to start teaching him manners? Would you tell everyone else that "he's just a kid and I wanted him to enjoy his childhood, I figured there was plenty of time to teach him!" Does that sound crazy to you? So why would we wait for X amount of years to start teaching them what to worry about and what not to worry about? The earlier we can help anyone find their personal path to success the better, so for me that means starting with your children from the very beginning.
In case once again we think that environment plays the biggest role in child development I'd like to give you a couple of examples. I work with several at-risk youths and a variety of children from all kinds of backgrounds, including some of the worst you can imagine. Would you believe me if I told you that I deal with two 9 year old's, who are both females, and their backgrounds and environments are polar opposites. The one girl lives in what most people would describe as "the ghetto" or "the hood", she lives with her mother and baby brother in government housing, the father is no where to be found, the mother works like a dog, and I'm sure you get the picture. The other girl is the daughter of a very prominent lawyer, she lives in a beautiful house, in a beautiful neighbourhood, has a stay at home parent, and a nanny. Can you guess what I'm going to say next? Believe it or not, the girl who we think lives in paradise, has more struggles, worries, and stress than the girl who we think would be losing her mind. It's actually quite simple, the one girl lives in a world of smoke and mirrors, where as the other girl has had her feet firmly planted in reality since she was a baby. On top of that, the little girl from the ghetto who's mom is never around, she has structure and rules like you wouldn't believe, and her mother and her spend a minimum of 30-45 minutes per day communicating about life, and believe you me, her mother does not sugarcoat much. The girl in paradise has hardly any rules, her parents don't talk to her honestly about the world she will one day live in (How many times have you seen a negative outcome from sheltering a child), and they teach her that as long as she has money and a good job, everything will work out.
Maybe if we take a few minutes and we really look at things for what they are, than we can actually start to get some of the results we so desperately are after. Guess what else, if the example of the young girl I just described was true, than you don't need money, a big house, 2 parents, and a great neighbourhood to raise a successful child, you need love, honesty, communication, dedication, and perseverance. All of which do not cost a penny!
Hopefully something I have written here today resonates with you or maybe even strikes a chord. I hope so as that is always my intent. I would like to ask as always if you would be willing to comment and support my blog by spreading the word in any way, shape, or form. Nothing is more important to me than the success of our children, if that is something you think is important, maybe we have something in common and we can help each other.
"Kids don't worry" is the title to this post, but I wanted to make clear that this is an actual statement made to me by more parents than I would like to acknowledge. These are often the same parents who explain to me that children should enjoy childhood, it's the best time of their lives, they should be carefree, and well, I think you get the gist. I want to be clear right from the get go that I am no Scrooge, I don't want kids to suffer, I don't think they should be little soldiers, or anything drastic/extreme like that. What I do believe is that childhood is NOT the best time of our lives, how could it be if we are barely cognizant of what it is that's going on around us? Maybe being a child would be the best time in life if we could vividly remember how awesome it was to see this world through the eyes of a child, but I don't know many adults that are capable of this, do you?
"Kids DO worry". That's my rebuttal. I'm serious though, do any of you know of kids that don't worry? I'm not only talking about worrying about health, money, or food, it could be something as simple as they are worried about whether or not they will get their pacifier back. From a very young age children have the ability to take on what they hear, see, feel, taste, etc., so if you were a worrying parent, don't you think your child would naturally worry about things? If you walked about the house and you were high-strung, always motoring at a mile a minute, and frantically looking like you were going to lose your mind everyday, what do you think your child would be like? Even if you were not a worrier yourself, think about all the other individuals in your child's life, think about all the imagery they process. If we can accept that a child's mind is like a sponge when they are young and developing, what do you think that sponge would look like if it was taking in negativity? Given the amount of negativity in the world we live in today, a child has almost zero chance of not being affected without extreme intervention from all the caregivers in his or her life, and that is what I am fighting for.
Instead of us walking around oblivious to what our children are going through, maybe we should take our blinders off a little bit and have a look at the world we really live in. I believe its definitely time that we understand that our kids are really struggling in this new world we live in. Kids are being raised by babysitters, nannies, day cares, and a variety of others, but they are not being raised by their parents. I'm not pointing a finger and trying to blame anyone. We are all products of our environment and the majority of us are doing are very best just to keep our heads above water. In another post we will talk about why maybe now more than ever it is extremely important how much planning is involved when it comes to having a child. For me having a child meant one parent had to be home period. I don't care how it had to be done, that was one of my rules if I was going to bring a child into this world. I made a conscious decision that even if I had to live in a smaller house, drive a less fancy car, and live in a less than desirable neighbourhood to do so, that was what I would do. It actually scares me that more parents aren't prepared to do so, especially when statistics show that its not the environment or neighbourhood which determines how your child views this world, its you! To be extreme a hands on parent could technically offset the majority of bad experiences a child has if they are their comforting and communicating with them the whole way through. If a child saw a murder or something horrible like that and was left alone to process it, most likely that would be a very negative outcome. However if a trusted adult such as a parent had comforted that individual and explained what happened and why, that same child has a very good chance of not being affected at all.
The point I am trying to make here today is that kids do worry, and we should not teach them that childhood is for fooling around, living carefree, etc.. We should definitely teach them to enjoy life, and to seek out happiness, but if we don't start preparing them from a very early age what this world is truly like, aren't we doing our children a disservice? If children are sponges than the more we can teach and show them from a young age, the more they would incorporate these elements into their own lives. Think about it like this, would you have a child and wait until he was 10 years old to start teaching him manners? Would you tell everyone else that "he's just a kid and I wanted him to enjoy his childhood, I figured there was plenty of time to teach him!" Does that sound crazy to you? So why would we wait for X amount of years to start teaching them what to worry about and what not to worry about? The earlier we can help anyone find their personal path to success the better, so for me that means starting with your children from the very beginning.
In case once again we think that environment plays the biggest role in child development I'd like to give you a couple of examples. I work with several at-risk youths and a variety of children from all kinds of backgrounds, including some of the worst you can imagine. Would you believe me if I told you that I deal with two 9 year old's, who are both females, and their backgrounds and environments are polar opposites. The one girl lives in what most people would describe as "the ghetto" or "the hood", she lives with her mother and baby brother in government housing, the father is no where to be found, the mother works like a dog, and I'm sure you get the picture. The other girl is the daughter of a very prominent lawyer, she lives in a beautiful house, in a beautiful neighbourhood, has a stay at home parent, and a nanny. Can you guess what I'm going to say next? Believe it or not, the girl who we think lives in paradise, has more struggles, worries, and stress than the girl who we think would be losing her mind. It's actually quite simple, the one girl lives in a world of smoke and mirrors, where as the other girl has had her feet firmly planted in reality since she was a baby. On top of that, the little girl from the ghetto who's mom is never around, she has structure and rules like you wouldn't believe, and her mother and her spend a minimum of 30-45 minutes per day communicating about life, and believe you me, her mother does not sugarcoat much. The girl in paradise has hardly any rules, her parents don't talk to her honestly about the world she will one day live in (How many times have you seen a negative outcome from sheltering a child), and they teach her that as long as she has money and a good job, everything will work out.
Maybe if we take a few minutes and we really look at things for what they are, than we can actually start to get some of the results we so desperately are after. Guess what else, if the example of the young girl I just described was true, than you don't need money, a big house, 2 parents, and a great neighbourhood to raise a successful child, you need love, honesty, communication, dedication, and perseverance. All of which do not cost a penny!
Hopefully something I have written here today resonates with you or maybe even strikes a chord. I hope so as that is always my intent. I would like to ask as always if you would be willing to comment and support my blog by spreading the word in any way, shape, or form. Nothing is more important to me than the success of our children, if that is something you think is important, maybe we have something in common and we can help each other.
Kids worry with the adults around them create a dangerous environment. Adult upsets of ANY time severely effect kids! If the adults provide a safe environment, calm, food, warmth, LOVE, the kids don't worry.
ReplyDeleteKids are exactly like adults only shorter. They have all the emotions and concerns for survival.
It is our job to allow them to learn, mature without being insane about their parents next outburst or action of domination of the child.
Dominate a child you will receive hell back. They must revolt against you, failing that (too dangerous) at school and every where else.
And eventually no matter how dangerous the parents, no matter how dominating the parents are, the child will get back at you.
Love and tolerance for a child is your best guideline.
What a great point Carl!! I challenge myself everyday to be accountable for my behaviour, and man what a job that can be.
DeleteI literally write myself notes and daily reminders to help me be successful in life and this is no exception. I remind myself of who I am, and what I show my son, so if it happens that he inherits some of my attributes, I know not to blame him and instead because I am aware and accountable, I can help him avoid being negatively affected by them.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Thank you
Childen react mostly to EXAMPLE---- generally words are meaningless
ReplyDeleteTo them if they do not have a vivid example to support it.
In other words it makes no sense to sit down and try to teach a child through words
While the parent continues to hypocracize themselves with their actions.
You can verbally tell a child not to disrespect people---but If you yourself disrespect
People on a daily basis....well your doing more harm than your empty words can alleviate.
A child's mind IS a sponge---BUT an adults mind isn't---therefore a child cannot learn the same way adults do.
Therefore to try and teach them the complexities of life in adult terms is foolish. Your better off living a life of virtue and say nothing to your child---than talk his ear off but set a horrible example.
Joshua,
ReplyDeleteI'm a big advocate of checking out one's physical chemistry and health before looking for the deep psychological reasons for any problems.
Human biological chemistry is so delicately balanced that a small mineral or vitamin deficiency can unbalance moods . I speak from personal experience on this.
Last year I told my doctor I felt depressed, but not unhappy. He started to write a prescription for a mood elevator. I interrupted and asked him to first do all the blood tests for any condition that may cause depression. He agreed . The lab reported a hypothyroid condition . Medication to correct my thyroid also corrected the depression.
I would add that my blood test also showed serious definciency in iron and vitamin D - all contributors to what appeared to be a depression, but was in fact only a dietary deficiency.
Since anti-depressants sometimes produce serious side effects, it's important to consider such things as chemical ir dietary imbalance prior to deciding to take a pharmaceutical .