Daily Struggles

As I continue my journey to salvation, I am reminded daily how difficult a trek this may just be.  I began my interview process with Big Brothers & Big Sisters of Canada, and when I was shown some of the photos and files on potential little brothers for me to be paired with, it was very difficult to hold back my emotions.  Imagine just looking at a photo of a 10 year old boy or girl and it becomes blatantly obvious the pain and loneliness behind their eyes, and I'm merely looking at an image!?  I instantly transported myself to the past and I felt like the uncomfortable and awkward kid I was, with no self esteem, and almost no belief in myself or anyone else.  How is it possible that there are so many of these individuals, and they are under the age of 15, and what are we doing about it?  Not nearly enough!  Everyday I struggle to remain focused on my path, and it is one of the most challenging tasks I have ever undertaken.  Trying to stay sober is almost an hourly challenge, trying to avoid a thought process that you have depended on for the last 22 years(even if it is negative and backwards)almost impossible, trying to remain asleep the whole night without waking in a cold sweat, having dreams or visions that are way too real, or just re-visiting a less than tasteful memory, I have no control over that.  But what I do have control over is my conscious mind, and even though it would be much easier for me to turn back to an addict and make my living as a criminal, I remind myself that I have a purpose, and I was put on this earth to help, not to destroy.  That is something we all posses, the ability to be heroic, or villainous, the choice is ours.  If there was one wish I had, it was that people who don't have struggles to the same degree as mine, to try and find a way to understand, not relate, just a little understanding.  For example, if your son falls down and scrapes his knee, you might tell him to suck it up, and it's no big deal, but on the other hand, if your son had been sexually assaulted, or had a gun pointed at his head and he actually believed he may die, this is definitely not a situation to tell someone to suck it up, or move on, believe me, I wish it was that simple.  It's a life long quest of learning and addressing your issues in order to try and understand them.  Post traumatic stress syndrome is very real, and just because you don't understand it, doesn't make it any less real.  Please take some time if you know someone like I have described, to truly talk to them about what haunts them, and then do some research on your own and see if there is something you could do to help!  We all need help sometimes, wouldn't you like to know it was there for you when you need it, or would you prefer someone to tell you that it's not a big deal, and everyone has problems!?!?!  If parents could all listen to the story I tell at 35 years of age, I can almost guarantee that each and every one of them would do whatever they could to ensure the same would not happen to their children.  Nobody wants to know or feel what it's like to be a child who fell through the cracks, and then tries to deal with it all as a normal functioning adult and member of society.

Long Weekend

As the hangover of our first summer long weekend slowly dissipates, I wanted to share some of the overwhelming moments I was fortunate enough to be a part of.  My growing friend and business Partner Lowell invited me to a gala event that was being held in order to celebrate the memory and life of his incredible mother Sherona Hall.  Here was a woman who clearly defined her life's purpose as helping others.  She prided herself on being a voice for those without one, and she faught for strangers as if they were cut from her own cloth.  Through the Shesheme Foundation Sherona tirelessly contributed to the betterment of society and its inhabitants.  What an amazing feeling it was to see all these people take time out of their own long weekends to celebrate an incredible woman who taught us all what living should truly mean.  There was incredible musical performances, great food, and awesome company.  While Lowell was giving a moving acceptance speech on behalf of his mother he made a point that I feel needs repeating as it has resonated for me ever since.  He said, "Many of us think about being good people, helping others, and contributing to our community and world, and we are very good at thinking these things while we sit on our couch, and even I myself am guilty of this, so I say why don't we actually make an effort, and donate an hour of our time in order to help others, it all starts from within, and I'm starting with me!"  I love it Lowell, and as Michael Jackson said, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror", ME!!

Backwards Reality

I wanted to take a few moments to describe for you what I like to call, Backwards Reality.  To me, backwards reality is when we do certain things such as, get married, have kids, choose to go to University, get a good paying job, etc., but we only do them because we believe that is what we are supposed to do according to society!?  I am not saying that any of the above mentioned are negative or inappropriate, but maybe for you they are.  We don't fit in a one size fits all world, so why are we taught to believe that we do?  This next part may shock a few of you, but if you don't want to have kids, don't have them.  If you don't want to get married, don't.  If you don't believe you need a Home with a 2 car garage, a white picket fence, and 2 upper class cars to determine your level of success or self worth, then you don't!  We are always told to strive for our goals, well I propose one better, "You should strive to always continue striving!"  It may sound a bit off, but think about it for a second, life is all about changes, learning new things, and never getting stuck in a routine (unless its one we created purposefully, and positively), so why should you stay at the same job your whole life just to continue earning more and more money?  If you really want to feel what it's like to live, once you have gotten familiar and proficient at something, try something new.  If I strive to become an accountant, and at 30 years of age I achieve it, what do I strive for during the next 30 years?  I say become an accountant, and unless its truly what you love to do and you couldn't imagine doing anything else, after 5 years, try something else in the financial industry, or take a hard left turn and try becoming a Chef if that's something you yearn to try.  Every time you achieve one thing you strive for, there has to be another goal or else life becomes mundane.  We should never stop trying to learn, and we should embrace the unknown.  Fear is a good thing, it enables us to make sound decisions, use your fear for positivity and you'll be amazed by the outcome!  We are all aware that it's fear which hinders us, think about it, why didn't you try that new restaurant, because you feared you wouldn't like it or it couldn't be as good as your usual spot!?  Why didn't you go golfing with your buddies, because you were afraid you'd be no good or you thought you'd embarrass yourself?  My message to all is simple, continue  to grow, continue to learn, continue to strive for greatness, and try to acknowledge that it's fear that stops you from trying many things you would normally try.  Why do we all look at children with such awe and jealousy?  It's not only because they are so cute, innocent, and youthful, although that's what we'd like to believe.  The truth is we remember what it was like to be bright eyed and bushy tailed, we can tell how children are not afraid to try anything until we make them afraid.  Children have the ability to not let distraction and doubt set in, and if they want it, they believe they can get it, well guess what, so can you as an adult.  The secret is, you have to believe it.  Could you actually imagine what a plain world we'd live in if every time a flower blossomed it decided it had plateaued and therefore would never blossom again?

Youth and Abuse Month

Over the next several months all over the globe there are several different youth events including Youth Day in Toronto on June 24th.  May is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and both of these topics are very important issues.  Especially these days with such an enormous population, and so many different ways for kids to make a wrong turn, we really need to shift our focus to the youths and remember that one day they will be the ones we count on to run our world.  We talk about terrorism, natural disasters, economic struggles, bank industry thieves, and corrupt governments, but we don't hear nearly enough about the kids.  We live in a time where babies are continuing to be born at a rapid pace, and there are no signs of it slowing down.  Think about it like this; for the families that are struggling to stay above water, which seem to be the majority, what this means is that typically mom and dad are working a hell of a lot more than in the past just to make ends meet.  The reports have already shown that in North America the time where 1 parent could be a stay at home caregiver is just not the case anymore.  This leads to more time where young kids are unsupervised.  That's if both parents stick around.  In the world we live today the reality is most families are not staying together, putting even more financial burden on the primary caregiver.  Again this leads to more time for kids to be unsupervised, and I'm sorry, but even if you raised the best child in the world, if you don't have the money to enroll them in extracurricular activities, live in the best areas, or have a nanny or after school sitter, your child, with a lack of supervision, will find trouble.  We need to fight for more after school programs, more community centres, more outreach programs that help keep these kids occupied and on the right path to future success.  How can a struggling family afford to enroll kids in the programs we have today?  It will cost well over $350 to play 2 sports, and that's just one child.  Swim class, there's another $100 every 4-5 months, and what about daycare?  We must raise more money for free or low cost programs and assistance.  I came from a great place, and for many years I found a way to slip through the cracks, it lead to a lifetime of difficulties, hard choices, and way too many moments that I wish I never experienced.  If we can keep just one kid from ending up in jail, in a gang, homeless, or dead, then we are already winning the battle.  Let your local MP know, start a Blog, donate some time at a local school, whatever it takes, we have to keep are children active, stimulated, and protected, because the alternatives are not appealing.  Please let me know your thoughts, and I urge you to comment with suggestions of your own on how we can make things better for our children.  I know being a father of a 3 and 1/2 year old boy, that I would die a thousand deaths before I ever let him experience half of what I did.

Food for thought

Firstly I wanted to thank everyone for their support, it is greatly appreciated, and hopefully it continues.  Please take the time to sign up, comment, and follow the blog as there is definitely strength in numbers.  All of you will not be forgotten for your efforts! 

I wanted to first speak about a phenomenon I am struggling to wrap my head around.  Many people who have read excerpts have many positive things to say, unfortunately my family has not been as supportive with the exception of a few individuals. I wonder if I am alone when I try to rationalize why my own family wouldn't be in a position to offer more. Rather than get in to a long analysis, I prefer to look at it this way. If I have difficulty getting my own family to sign up, comment on blogs, or pass it on to friends, how could I expect to get Joe Schmo to do any of those things? These things I just listed go hand in hand with a major premise of my book, "The 3 D's". The 3 D's are Doubt, Distraction, and Deception! These are 3 things that are major roadblocks for anyone to overcome when we set our minds to something, or we want to achieve something that the majority of people believe is unattainable or impossible. To this I will only state the following; If YOU have goals, and dreams, regardless of what they are, the 3 D's will rear their ugly heads as often as possible, and it is your responsibility to IGNORE them! Doubt, Deception, and Distractions are major hurdles, and they are always there.  You will receive doubt from almost everyone you tell your idea to, you will also receive deception from these same individuals because the fact that they themselves have never attempted to achieve greatness makes it extremely difficult for them to believe anyone else could, and lastly distractions, these will come from everywhere and everyone, and these distractions coupled by the first two will make it appear almost impossible.  You have been dealing with the 3 D's for probably the majority of your life, and you may not have even realized the impact they have.  It's time to look at the 3 D's for what they are, WORDS!!  I will not be affected or deterred by words, or negativity, or a lack in belief from anyone.  We alone have the power to achieve anything and everything we want, do you think singers like American Idol's Susan Boyle faced a lot of support as she tried to become a singer, doubtful!  How many people do you think told Danny Devito that an acting career was definitely in the cards for him.  Lastly, what about Spud Webb, Earl Boykins and Mugsy Bogues, three individuals that were 5 foot 7, 5 foot 5, and 5 foot 3 respectively, and they all made it to the NBA, do you think they had to overcome the 3 D's?  Not to mention the first 2 guys on that list can slam dunk!  Hopefully the message I make is clear!  Be determined, and don't let anyone or anything get in your way, because at the end of the day if you are only trying to accomplish positivity, eventually with perseverance, you'll get there!!

Mother's Day Thoughts

As the buzz of The Mother's Day weekend comes to an end, I wanted to share some thoughts.  I hope everyone that is a Mother, or, has a mother, can truly appreciate how lucky and blessed you truly are.  For there are many of us out here who no longer have that luxury and instead of the tremendous joy this day typically brings, for us it's a tad different.  The last 5 years since my mother passed I have all but ignored this day.  It's not that I don't want to remember the good times, or celebrate her life, it's more a reflection of how I find it uncomfortable when there is such emphasis put on this day, it becomes overwhelming.  A mother is an incredible person, unmatched even, and anyone who has dealt with the loss of theirs, knows all to well that you don't and shouldn't need one special day of the year to celebrate these wonderful individuals.  I for one wish that everyday I could call my mom and tell her I love her.  I wish that just once my 4 year old son could see the grandmother he's never met, and lastly, everytime I see family celebrations or weddings, I wish my mother was still here for that.  So my message should hopefully be clear, but if you are one of the fortunate one's who still got to celebrate this weekend, please don't forget how lucky you are, and how important she is.  Let's make everyday Mother's Day, and Father's Day, and children's day.  For the more that we celebrate eachother, and the more that we appreciate their company and efforts, the better off we will all be!!

Final Excerpt from my upcoming book

This specific section is from pages 99-102

“Knock, knock”, there it is, the sound I had been waiting for so I could go back to my movie and dinner.  As I go to open the door, 3 guys come busting in with guns and Nimo, whose face has been smashed up!  “Get to the ground and stare at the wall”, one of the guys shouts while pointing a gun at my face.  I obviously complied instantly, while managing to avoid shitting myself!!  In the next few moments I sat there contemplating death.  I figured there was no reason to leave me alive.  All I could think of was my mother, and nothing else!  Two of the guys I recognized from a nightclub outing with Matthew, I remember Matthew telling me they were the “higher ups” in his drug ring, and I knew they were aware of that too.  They were obviously willing to kill Nemo, as I could hear them threatening him.  They were also continuously hitting him in the face with their guns.  Then they took bleach powder and rubbed it all over his face and in his mouth.  One of them kept shouting, “where is my @$#$ money, I want my money back”!  The last part I witnessed was them smashing his shoulder and arm with a bat, and trust me, you never want to listen to the sound of bones smashing under that kind of force.  As the sound of sirens approached, the intruders needed a way out of the building.  I had a plan, and I figured it was the only way they’d let me live.  I told them we will all go to my car, they can put Nimo in my trunk, and I’d bring my dog with to make it look like we were going to the “Dog Park”, which happened to be very close by, and very popular.  I felt a little awkward, and I was very scared, but I figure, especially with my past, that Nimo obviously stole from these guys, and I knew Nimo was a low life; I surely was not prepared to die or go to jail, for that guy.  We made it down to the underground parking unnoticed and we got into my car as planned.  As we made our way to the garage exit, an Officer stopped me.  I calmly explained me and my buddies were going to grab a bite to eat and take my dog to the park.  With little hesitation he stepped aside and off we went.  Around 2 blocks later I made a turn and the guy next to me said, “This is good, stop right here and pop the trunk”!  I did exactly as they said, and when they were leaving they said, “We hope to never see you again, under these circumstances”!  They took Nimo and walked in one direction, I drove off in the other.  Eventually I went back home, where I was greeted by blood in more than enough places, the bleach powder all over the kitchen, and my dinner was ruined!  I sat on the couch lit a cigarette and thanked my lucky stars that I was still alive.  It seemed like forever when I was sitting in the corner of my apartment, hoping I wouldn’t get killed.  I really just tried to focus on my mother’s face, and I continuously told myself that I hadn’t accomplished any of the things I wanted to accomplish in this life, so it can’t be time for me to die!!  I didn’t even finish my cigarette when the all too familiar knocking of an Officer startled me.  “Whack, Whack, Whack” on the door, like they are trying to break it down, or at the very least get everyone’s attention!  Two detectives stood in the entranceway and one asked me if my name was Joshua. He then proceeded to ask me if they could come in, as they had all but let themselves in already regardless of what I was going to say!    As the 2 detectives showed me their badges and started talking, it felt a lot more like an interrogation then a victim making his statement to the Police, but that was nothing new for me.  At the end of me telling them what happened, they told me I’d be hearing from them again, and if they caught the criminals responsible, I would be testifying in court.  When they asked me the all important question, if I knew any of the criminals who entered my home earlier that night, I said no!  They walked out and informed me the rest of their team would be collecting evidence for the next few hours.  I sat on my balcony for the majority of the evening smoking and contemplating the many outcomes that I was sure to face as things continued to unfold, and why I was so fortunate to have been spared thus far. 

Happy Mother's Day!! Final Excerpt from "A Mother's Love...

This section is from Pages 180-183 of my book.

 One afternoon I was heading to the hospital to visit with my mother, but as I arrived at her room the bed was empty and cleaned, I instantly felt weak in the knees and I panicked.  I thought she may have died during the night and I was completely unaware.  As I paced the cancer ward frantically trying to find her, a nurse who had recognized me approached, and informed me that around 1am that morning my mother had been transferred to the I.C.U. ward at their sister hospital next door.  I experienced so many emotions as I sprinted to the other hospital, was this the end, why had nobody informed me, where was my father?!?  I entered the I.C.U. ward and immediately started searching for my mother.  After a few minutes of panicked wandering I spotted my mother lying in a bed.  She looked as frail as I had ever seen her, and it was as if all the life had been sucked out of her.  On top of that she was hooked up to several machines including a respirator.  I was all alone and I was losing my mind.  I turned the corner and fell to the ground crying.  As I attempted to wipe away the tears and stand back up I noticed my father heading towards me.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I felt some remorse for what my father must have been going through, I’m sure I would have punched him in the face right then and there.  I was furious and filled with rage.  As he approached I immediately asked him, “What is wrong with you, when did you now mom was transferred, and why wasn’t I immediately notified!?”  My slightly emotionless father actually replied with, “It was late, and I didn’t want to disturb you!”  I was filled with a rage I have never felt before.  “It was late, that’s the best you can come up with!?”  I continued to attack, “I had to go to the wrong hospital, think my mother had died, and then I find her like this!?”  I couldn’t fathom what my father had done.  “Did you actually think this would be a better way for me to find her, why didn’t you call me first thing in the morning?” The onslaught of questions I had left my father speechless.  Lastly I looked him square in the eye and said, “Just to be clear, when it comes to my mother’s life, I don’t care what time it is or where you are, you notify me immediately, are we clear?”  He may have apologized, but to this day I have no recollection of it.  My father told me that we should go check on my mother because he only had a few minutes before he had to leave to play tennis!?  I spared him my next rant but I honestly could not believe that there lay his wife, and the mother of his children, hanging on by a thread, and he was going to play tennis.  What world was this, who would behave like this, I was baffled and losing my mind.  Together, my father and I made our way to my mother’s bed and she was barely conscious.  I stood by the foot of her bed and I placed my hand on her ankle as I was preparing to come closer.  My mother raised her hand at me and it was clear she was not waving hello.  I knew it had a couple of meanings; firstly, it meant stop, don’t come any closer, I won’t let you see me like this, and secondly it meant I love you and goodbye!  I then stood there frozen in time as she motioned for my father to come close.  She reached for his hand and just gazed in his eye’s for what seemed like an eternity.  My father was completely oblivious, and when I recounted this event for him in later years he had zero recollection, but my mother was saying good-bye.  With that my father and I left and went our separate ways, It was the last time either of us would see her alive with the exception of a few minutes on the respirator before she passed away later the next day.  As we would find out later that week, my aunt was actually the last person to speak to her and even when things were looking very grim and my mother had no chance of recovery, my aunt told her it was okay to “let go”.  My mother actually refused and told her and the doctors that if she lost consciousness she wanted to be intubated, which simply meant she wanted to go on a respirator to help her breathe.  What a woman, she was a fighter to the very end!  The day my mother was pronounced dead I remember sitting in her room with her lifeless body as it is Jewish tradition to remain with the body until it is time for her to be moved to the funeral home.  My father and brother were there too and it felt like we were 2 separate groups mourning the same mother and wife.  Both of them stood on one side of her body grieving and consoling each other while I stood crying by myself on the other.  At one point they put their arms around me and we gave my mother one last group hug.  For me it felt like charity and at that very moment I knew I was all alone.  The one person who never judged me and always supported me was gone, I felt empty, and a part of me died that day, Aug. 13/2006.  About a week or two before my mother passed away I was sitting with her in the hospital and I started writing what would be my final song.  As I returned home the night she died, I immediately finished writing the song and I recorded it that same night.  I put my pen down that day and I haven’t written another song since. 

Excerpt #2 from "A Mother's Love; The Visits That Saved My Life

This section of the book is from pages 85-86 and it describes the first time I shared with my father premonitions I had about my mother.

In my case things seemed even bleaker, what are the odds or what would the ratio be, of people getting out of a life of crime, being surrounded by doubters and haters and still making it to where I wanted to be, where I believed I was born to be?  Fortunately for me, I was making enough money to pay my father rent, and hire an immigration lawyer to help get me back to L.A.  One of the plans we devised was to get a student visa, thus leading to a much easier path to the USA.  My father as usual was not supportive of my goals, and definitely not of my aspirations to return to L.A., but I was convinced my destiny was connected, and therefore I was going and that was that!  My father told me I had to turn over all my money to pay for Acting School, the lawyer, and other expenses, so I agreed.   In return, he would give me a bank card to use while I was back in L.A., an account that I suspect was the surplus from my car sale earlier that year.  As everything was slowly progressing, it was almost a year until I could attempt to go back to L.A.  Just before my 21^st birthday that year, my father and I were arguing about the money from the sale of the car; he was telling me he would hold onto it for safe keeping, and that technically it wasn’t my money.  The argument got extremely heated and I yelled, “You never support my dreams, you never think I’m going to fulfil my goals, and then you withhold my money making it impossible for me to obtain them!”  My father replied with, “Maybe as soon as you give up some of your ridiculous dreams, and focus on something more secure, then we won’t have so many issues!”  I was extremely angry, and I let my hurt and frustrations get the best of me.  “Why is it so hard for you to believe that this is my destiny, why must you always stand in my way as opposed to being my biggest supporter!?” He all but laughed at me and said, “You see nothing, what are you smoking these days, there’s no such thing as psychic powers, or seeing the future, stop being such a child, you sound very stupid when you say things like that!”  I had enough,  I couldn’t stand him anymore, “Oh, yeah, I can’t see anything, we will see, how about this one, within the next few months you will find out mom has cancer, and she will die before she’s 60!”  The words hadn’t even left my mouth by the time I realized the gravity of what I just said!  My father looked at me with a hatred I had never seen before, and he lashed out at me, “You are crazy, you’re nuts that must be it, I don’t ever want to hear another word about any of this bullshit ever again!”  With that he stormed away, and our relationship had been severely damaged!  Almost immediately I had wished for that moment back, I severely crossed the line.  Even if they all doubted me, and even if I allowed their doubt to affect my belief, I still had no business sharing that information with my father.  I swore I’d never use my abilities to cause pain ever again, and to be truthful, at that point I secretly wished I had no abilities at all.  I prayed to wake up feeling normal on a daily basis, I didn’t want to feel special or chosen anymore, and I wanted to feel that whatever I did I would be happy doing it and this burning passion inside would just flicker out.

Recent Visits

I wanted to share a very recent event that has once again filled me with a sense of joy and confusion all at once.  About 8 days ago a family friend passed away from Cancer, and it was all too familiar.  Yesterday evening I was planning to head to Toronto with my father and he informed me we would be stopping at his friend Brenda's house to pay our respects to the widow.  I had only met Brenda a handful of times, but I felt comfortable going so I agreed.  That night before I fell asleep, Brenda's husband visited me and asked me to be sure that I conveyed his message to my father, so that he could inform Brenda.  Derek told me that he wanted Brenda to know that he was very sorry for leaving her, that he had never planned or wanted to leave her alone, and that he loved her and missed her very much but he was fine, and everything would be fine for her.  The last thing he told me was to let her know that he's always around, and that he wanted her to be happy.  I was extremely taken back, but I certainly knew I would be getting that message to Brenda.  Today, as I went to meet my father, I thought about the night before.  When I told my dad what happened, he agreed to tell her.  When we arrived at Brenda's house, a very frail, and pale sweet lady, answered the door.  She honestly looked as if life had been sucked right out of her.  After a few minutes I decided it would hold more weight if I told Brenda.  I gently asked her if she didn't mind me sharing some information.  After I explained my own experiences with my mother's passing and the subsequent visits, I went in to what Derek told me.  A transformation occurred!  I saw joy fill her heart and soul, the colour rushed back to her face, and she instantly lit up!  She obviously was brought to tears, but it was clear they were tears of joy.  It felt amazing being able to give her even a little bit of peace, and it's an experience I would like to have over and over again.  She asked me a few other questions, and she even asked me to repeat 3 times everything Derek had told me.  As she walked us out it was clear that I had changed her day, and for this I am eternally grateful.  Brenda asked me to keep my "antennas" up, and if there was any other visits, she would love to hear about them.  While we made our way to the car, Brenda shouted, "Thank you Josh, you made my day, keep doing what you do!"  Hopefully I can continue this kind of work for as long as possible!

Mother's Day Special, an excerpt from my upcoming Book, "A Mother's Love; The visits that saved my life

This is a section from my upcoming book, Pages 71-73.

 So off I went with the police, and I was processed, booked, and placed in a cell.  This was not a fun, Hollywood experience; this was one of the scariest moments of my young life.  I was ushered into the “phone call cell” whereas opposed to the movies, I didn’t get one phone call, I had a certain amount of time, (I believe it was 10 minutes), to make as many calls as I could.  First I called the guy who set me up and I told him he had better make whatever phone calls necessary in order to get me out of there or he might just meet a few of my friends.  Obviously I worded it in a way that whoever was listening in to my calls would not be alarmed.  Secondly, I called my father, and after I explained what happened, it appeared to me that he was mad that I had called at such a late hour and disturbed him.  I wasn’t allowed to speak to my mom, and he told me everything will work out, and if not I should call him back tomorrow!?  I honestly think I lost a part of me at that moment.  There I was a fresh faced, barely 19 year old kid, sitting in a cell in Los Angeles with nobody to call but my street friends!  I felt extremely alone and isolated, but I remember telling myself that as long as I’m still breathing, I’ll be fine!   It's very surreal being locked up, I felt like a caged animal on display!  No matter how loud or long you yelled, nobody cared or came to see what was wrong, in fact what I received in response was "shut your mouth or I'll give you something to scream about"!!  Usually if you were truly unruly, the on duty officers would place a more hardened criminal in your cell to help calm you down!  It's kind of like letting a pit-bull off its chain just before a dog fight!  All the dog cares about is destroying his opposition and foolishly trying to please his master!  In this case, the officers were the masters, and they would trade favours and privileges with their "pit-bull" after a job well done!  In my opinion, and I’m not saying it’s all Police Officers, but the majority of the ones my crew or I have had run-ins with, the only difference between them and us is a badge that says they are allowed to carry weapons and use as much force (including lethal) as is necessary, and it’s the officers who typically decide whether or not to abuse this.  I lay on my bunk and sat awake all night thinking about my mom, and all the things she’d ever told me!  How could someone so special and destined be here, sitting in this cell?  Why was everything so difficult for me?  I closed my eyes for a second and tried to relax.  It was then I heard my mother’s voice without her presence for the first time!!  It was so real; I thought I was losing my mind!  My mother told me “The road to success is never an easy one, and the one thing you must learn in order to get there is you have to know what it’s like to feel completely alone”!  She continued, “You have to be able to depend on you and you alone, and once you figure that out, you’ll see how many people will be there to help”!  “Just remember what I’ve always told you, you are destined for greatness, but I never said it would be easy, and I never said it would happen quickly”!  I felt a calm come over me like never before, and even though I was shaking my head, asking myself what on earth she was trying to say to me, I knew then like I’ve always known, even when things get tough, everything will work out.  My mantra and answer to whenever someone would ask me how I was doing were one in the same, “Still breathing”!  I felt as long as I was still breathing I always had a chance, and until someone took that away, I was going to reach my destiny no matter what it took.  The hardest part was other than knowing I would make an impact on the world, and be successful, I had no idea what my destiny was.  I didn’t sleep that night, but I felt extremely relaxed, almost like I was in meditation or something similar.