Daily Struggles

As I continue my journey to salvation, I am reminded daily how difficult a trek this may just be.  I began my interview process with Big Brothers & Big Sisters of Canada, and when I was shown some of the photos and files on potential little brothers for me to be paired with, it was very difficult to hold back my emotions.  Imagine just looking at a photo of a 10 year old boy or girl and it becomes blatantly obvious the pain and loneliness behind their eyes, and I'm merely looking at an image!?  I instantly transported myself to the past and I felt like the uncomfortable and awkward kid I was, with no self esteem, and almost no belief in myself or anyone else.  How is it possible that there are so many of these individuals, and they are under the age of 15, and what are we doing about it?  Not nearly enough!  Everyday I struggle to remain focused on my path, and it is one of the most challenging tasks I have ever undertaken.  Trying to stay sober is almost an hourly challenge, trying to avoid a thought process that you have depended on for the last 22 years(even if it is negative and backwards)almost impossible, trying to remain asleep the whole night without waking in a cold sweat, having dreams or visions that are way too real, or just re-visiting a less than tasteful memory, I have no control over that.  But what I do have control over is my conscious mind, and even though it would be much easier for me to turn back to an addict and make my living as a criminal, I remind myself that I have a purpose, and I was put on this earth to help, not to destroy.  That is something we all posses, the ability to be heroic, or villainous, the choice is ours.  If there was one wish I had, it was that people who don't have struggles to the same degree as mine, to try and find a way to understand, not relate, just a little understanding.  For example, if your son falls down and scrapes his knee, you might tell him to suck it up, and it's no big deal, but on the other hand, if your son had been sexually assaulted, or had a gun pointed at his head and he actually believed he may die, this is definitely not a situation to tell someone to suck it up, or move on, believe me, I wish it was that simple.  It's a life long quest of learning and addressing your issues in order to try and understand them.  Post traumatic stress syndrome is very real, and just because you don't understand it, doesn't make it any less real.  Please take some time if you know someone like I have described, to truly talk to them about what haunts them, and then do some research on your own and see if there is something you could do to help!  We all need help sometimes, wouldn't you like to know it was there for you when you need it, or would you prefer someone to tell you that it's not a big deal, and everyone has problems!?!?!  If parents could all listen to the story I tell at 35 years of age, I can almost guarantee that each and every one of them would do whatever they could to ensure the same would not happen to their children.  Nobody wants to know or feel what it's like to be a child who fell through the cracks, and then tries to deal with it all as a normal functioning adult and member of society.