I remember being a kid, the one thing I will never forget about my "childhood", is having to take on the role of an adult.
I was always late for school because I had to walk my sister to her school, and I was consistently missing days when she was sick. My daily routine consisted of making breakfast, lunch, and dinner, cleaning everything, walking the dogs, bathing my sister and putting her to bed. Honestly my 5 year old sister was probably the only thing keeping me sane after our mother left.
At that point in time, my dad was a lost cause. He would lock himself in his room every night, he’d be too fucked up to move, let alone, be a father. I don’t even want to begin to think what would have happened to her if I wasn't around... Thank God for being able to be stable and assiduous... given the circumstances.
Two years had passed since my mom had left. At last my dad was starting to go out to meet new people. One night, he had met someone... and that was all it took. From that point on, my life had spiraled for the worst.
I had so much hate towards this girl for even thinking she could just walk in and take my place. I couldn’t believe that after everything I did to keep the family together, my dad was able to push me away. After mentally, physically and emotionally abusing me, all I gave him was forgiveness, and this is how he repaid me? I'm your daughter! I saved your other daughters life from years of depression, and questions that not one of us could have answered. How could that not mean anything to you?
I understand I may have been atrabilious sometimes... but is that any reason to hurt me? I had always said I would never be like my mother...I would never touch drugs or party. Ha.
But that didn’t last too long, after my dad’s new girlfriend moved into our house. Since I wasn't use to not being able to care for my sister, and not having her around all the time, it messed with my head; not to mention how very hard it was to get used to. She had always been there for me.
I was so tired of being trapped with these thoughts about my mom, and the hate I had built up inside of me. So I finally said screw it, and did what any young girl craving for attention would do. I put on those revealing clothes, and sure enough, I got the attention I craved. Before I knew it, I was so caught up in the drugs and partying all night and sleeping all day that I didn't know who I was anymore. At the time though I don’t think I really cared. I couldn't feel pain. It was great.
At the age of 16, I had already been to strip clubs, bars, after hour bars, clubs, hotel parties; you name it, I’ve probably done it. I loved my life again. But not too long after, the drugs had started taking their toll on me. I started getting depressed, started looking down on myself, and lost all the self-respect I had for myself. I needed help, but had no one to help me. I had no real friends. I never realized that until I needed help and no one was to be found. I felt helpless.
Luckily I had met someone who actually cared about me. I would just like to add that when you've been doing drugs for a while, it’s not that easy to just stop. Trust me when I say... it’s easier said than done.
Regardless of the situation, he stuck by my side. He helped me threw everything and help me accept my so called “childhood”. After meeting this guy I started to realize that. I don’t need the drugs and the liquor to have fun and live my life, and I especially don’t need to wear revealing clothes to get noticed. It was the wrong kind of attention. I had also realized that I shouldn’t care what people think of me because I AM pretty on the inside and out and I do have an amazing personality. All it takes is to believe in yourself, no matter your appearance or your flaws. No one can love you if you can’t love yourself."
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